Here and Now

I cannot believe that it is nearly Halloween! My son Justice turns 12 on Halloween. There is nothing like looking up during labor to see your obgyn getting ready to deliver your baby while skeleton earrings dangle from her ears! This year my boss invited my family to a costume party. I'm excited to wear my fairy costume. It has been days since I wore it last. Seriously though, my costume sort of looks like the one the fairy in the pic above is wearing. Hehe. I better get to bed before I get any funnier! Sweet dreams and fairy kisses

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. Lately I feel so restless, as if I'm drifting outside of myself; watching from a distance. I can't seem to focus on anything for very long. I try to watch movies with my family, but my mind just wanders. I used to love to read, but the best that I can do anymore is flip through a magazine. Everyone seems to grate on my nerves, and I hate that I feel that way. I know that isolating myself and pushing everyone away is not the answer. I keep bouncing back and forth between sickness and recovery. The fear gets me every time, and it is like an abyss that I can't find my way out of. I'm in this dark place right now that feels safe, and all that I can hear is white noise. It soothes and comforts me. The detachment feels like the only thing that anchors me to the ground, and without it I would just float away.

It has been a crazy day here at work, and I'm feeling anxious. Some of the students that I work with are self-injurious, so there has been a lot of that going on today. Biting and headbanging have been the most common, some of which has been quite severe. Instead of taking a lunch break, here I am. Eating would just cause more anxiety for me right now, so that is my choice. Yesterday I had a panic attack over getting dressed. I hated everything that I put on, and with each change of outfit, I felt as if I were increasing in size. It was ridiculous, and the rational side of my brain knew this, yet I couldn't seem to change the path that Claudia was leading me down. All that I could do was sit on the floor of my closet and cry. I finally gave up and just put my baggy sweats back on and called it a day. I'm not sure what it is that makes me feel that way. Today I got dressed with no problem, putting on the very first outfit I tried on. Of course, I couldn't just hole...

Gloom Returns 4 p.m. Sunday The shadows grow tall The sunlight is fading and darkness will fall A day filled with promise has slipped from my hands The gloom in the distance at my door he stands Angela Minard 2007

Here And Now Stay here and now. Feet on the floor. You can do this, it is just a fight today. Your heart knows the truth, but cannot speak the words. Think of laughter, What does it look like? Tiny bubbles filled with light, popping with silver sparkles. What does it sound like? A babies first giggle. What does it feel like? The warmth of the sun on your skin after a day at the beach. Deep breath. Be here. Be now. Angela Minard 2007

I suppose that I think of recovery as being able to eat anything without guilt, looking in the mirror without disgust, not "feeling fat", being able to see my body realistically, and not with a distorted view.I know that I'm just in a negative mode right now. I get tired of the ups and downs of this. Maybe recovery is realizing that those feelings will never completely go away, but that there will be more good days than bad days. I think that I want it to totally be gone, and realizing that it is never going to happen is disheartening. Recovery also means being free from ED related behaviors, and I'm not there yet either. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of work that I still need to do to beat this. Part of my problem with many things in life is that I look to far ahead.

Pieces Of Me Parts and pieces, never the whole. Parts and pieces, a ravenous hole. A tilt of the head, and narrowing eyes. Only too well how the mirror does lie. Hollow and shadow turned inside out. Curving around the darkening doubt. The flesh torn and angry expands much too soon. Leaving room for self-loathing; an empty, Cimmerian gloom. The fragmented memories behind silent eyes. The departure of childhood and bittersweet goodbyes. Angela Minard 2007

This constant fight toward eating disorder recovery is just wearing me out right now. I know that because I'm trying to deal with past issues, it makes fighting even harder. The problem is that it does work. It is a wonderful distraction from actually feeling and addressing the pain inside. There is that, and then there is everything else that seems to work against someone with food issues. Extreme thinness is prized in our society. There is rarely a day that goes by when someone does not comment on my size in a positive way. It is very hard not to want to hang on to it with everything that I've got. Unfortunately my identity is somewhat tied into my size. I'm a little over five feet tall, and when I was in high school, I weighed more than I should for my height.Not a lot more, but enough to be called pudgy. My dad would comment on my weight. He would say that it was such a shame, when I had such a pretty face. Right before going through puberty, I was raped, and then when ...

I was awake at 3:00 a.m. chasing away the monsters. The lyrics to this song from Les Miserables are in my head~ ~But the tigers come at night; with their voices soft as thunder; as they tear your hope apart; as they turn your dream to shame.~ ~Les Miserables~

I haven't eaten today because I feel like such a fat, disgusting pig. The voice of Claudia calls. She wants to be clean. She wants to feel safe. She is angry, insistant, and so loud. I ignore her. I think that I feel much worse without her. I am afraid to be without her for very long. I hate who I am when I am without her. I hate her.

The girl who flies is but a tale told in the night. She will enter in dream; the teacher of flight, sharing her strength, guiding the way. And if she lets you take a look in the dark of her eyes, they do fool. Calm, deep, and green as the sea. Safe in her arms you will be. Angela Minard 2007

I'm uncomfortable today, and I physically feel huge. I have to tell myself that I am not in pain, and dig deep for the reason that I feel this way. Why is it so hard for me to see the obvious, and to mask what I feel with the words FAT, HUGE, DISGUSTING. Ugly words that I find so difficult to replace. Feeling unworthy is just a bad habit. I'm plagued by nightmares that invite me to remember the feelings of shame. I struggle with letting it go. Giving up ownership of the shame. Believing, truly believing that the rape wasn't my fault. Constantly reliving the assault on my body makes me want to take it out on my body. This is where my discomfort comes from today. I have to find new words to say to myself today, otherwise I will find myself restricting. That is what I want to do. To feel empty and clean. So I need to eat, even though that will be uncomfortable. Not painful, just uncomfortable. I will tell myself that it will pass, and I will be okay. Three new words to replace...

The Heart Of A Woman Don't feed the monster that resides within. Whispered deception seductively calls buried beneath the lies you were told. A child awaits yearning to grow. Find her eyes... Profound is her soul. Mirrored inside is the heart of a woman. Discover internal beauty. Witness your own reflection. Refrain from hiding and envision the truth. Brave is the heart of a woman. Angela Minard 2007

A good friend that I used to work with called me and we were chatting on the phone and decided to go out for a few drinks and catch up. We were having a really nice time, and then she started asking me questions about my eating disorder. She then told me that she was very concerned about her sixteen year old daughter who is cutting, and also hasn't been eating and is losing a signifigant amount of weight. I told her that I too used to be a cutter, and gave her the name of my psychologist and nutritionist. She was just so heartbroken, sick, and terrified for her daughter, and also trying to understand why someone would starve or harm themselves in any way. She asked me so many questions, but I could just see in her eyes that she couldn't understand it. I'm so glad that she came to me to get some help for her daughter, and also for herself. I hope that both of them will be able to get the help that they need before it gets too out of control. I can't even imagine how I wo...

Today I am feeling more positive and hopeful. I had a really awesome breakthrough session in therapy yesterday. I had been thinking lately about how good I always felt about myself when I was pregnant. It is the only time that I didn't have dissociative episodes during sex.(sorry so personal, but I don't like to sensor my thoughts) I felt so good about my body and could appreciate all of the changes that were taking place. I took such good care of myself. I gave up caffeine, alcohol, anything that was even remotely unhealthy. I brought this up in therapy yesterday, and my therapist thought that it was very interesting, and came up with a few different ideas as to what that might mean. She came up with some insights that had never even crossed my mind, so I'm definitely going to be exploring those in my mind. I will let you know what I come up with. I also received a wonderful reply from my friend Theresa today on my previous blog post that really made me see through differe...

I feel my own breath being smothered. My voice silenced as if I were the child that I can't seem to leave behind. I can't leave her behind.

I am so filled with emotion and struggling with the placement of it all. What to do with it... Where does it belong? Feelings are just so hard for me to deal with in a healthy way, without using behaviors to cope with them. I'm drinking, or starving, numbing myself in some way, and although I know this is unhealthy, the alternative is to actually feel the pain. I just don't feel ready to sit with it though. I'm such a coward. When will I be ready? I fear the suffocation of my soul.

I am really struggling to come out from under this blanket of depression that is making my life feel so dark and hopeless. I can't seem to put my finger on why I am feeling this way. I feel no excitement or joy in living. Empty and motionless. I serve no purpose, just taking up space. I look forward into darkness and wish only to close my eyes and let go. If I could only let go.

I just want to be thinner. Always thinner. When will I think that it is enough. Just to feel comfort in myself, as I am. Enough really is an interesting word isn't it? It is a word that I cannot seem to wrap my mind around. I'm not sure that I believe that there is such a thing. Endless wanting and yearning, yet for what? I'm not longing for material possesions. I'm not lacking love or companionship. Only the sense that I'm somehow lacking some elusive quality. The ablility to exist without being seen. Invisible.