Here and Now

For Treva I can feel your heart throbbing in the palm of my hand breathing in your pain making it my own "We are so much stronger than we think," I whisper, and at that moment I believe it is true The broken will heal with the ebb and flow of life The loss, anger, insecurities Perfection is an illusion holding us captive Your beauty is a gift Your unique spirit, a light that shines See through my eyes what I see in you Angela Minard 2012©

Happy Monday! The weekends always seem to fly by, but the end of the school year is nearing, and I will have the summer off, so I can't complain. I'm also getting really excited for this coming Saturday because I will be attending the first annual Kansas City Yoga Festival.  It will be six hours of workshops with some amazing teachers. I can't wait! I'm going with my dear friend Shima, who is a Japanese woman that I met at the studio we attend together. She moved here a year ago with her husband, and did not speak English when she arrived. I can only imagine how difficult and frightening it must have been to move to a new country, without friends and family, and without speaking the language. She is so warm, open, and giving that she inspires me to have an open heart, which is really what yoga is all about. I'm wishing you all a fabulous week!

Photography by Brooke Shaden A Premonition The shifting of a dream... When who I thought you were is not who you really are at all The soft smile turning into a ghoulish grin as you reach out to crush me in your arms where I had always thought I wanted to be Too late to break free and run back into the sunlight The sky, ominous and low, thunders above my head The warning drum of my heart vibrating in my chest as the storm tears me away from all that I have known The trees stand bare and desolate in the silent aftermath From the scarred earth, I rise alone, eyes scanning the distant horizon, fearful I will find you, my body aching with the emptiness of being without you Angela Minard 2012©

There comes a time when you know that you have to turn your back to the darkness, and step into the light. I'm tired of looking through the key hole, knowing there is beauty outside of the prison I have created. I'm stepping to the edge, and looking down, there is fear, but now I know I can fly with my own wings. Today I feel courageous, and I know that doesn't mean there won't be days of feeling like I can't do this. I told a friend yesterday that I had moments of brilliance, and moments of defeat. That is true. I'm struggling with the eating disorder. It is like a habit that I can't quite seem to shake. It is the only life I've known for so long. I take a step in the right direction, back away, move forward, move back. My therapist says that recovery is never linear, and I have to remind myself of that. I remember a time when each moment of every day was spent feeling trapped in a body that disgusted me. During my yoga practice, I feel so free and...

Artwork by Sergio Albiac We return again and again to the blank page, the empty canvas of fresh dreams and new stories to weave. The joy of an unopened box of crayons, clean tablets, scribble free. The simple decision to start over with a change of perspective and newborn eyes. I've been thinking a great deal about how my body has been restored and renewed, but my mind is still so very disordered. Every morning I wake up with good intentions, but the eating disorder is a bully, and even though I do choose to eat, the negativity beats me down. I want to be free of the hateful voice, to be able to fight those statements that tear me down. I've believed for so long in the lies, that they have become my truth. I can continue to live my life in this way, or I can choose to stand up and fight for myself. Choosing to change is the easy part, but putting it into action is where I falter. The battle is continuous, and when one lie is allowed to penetrate, it opens the doo...

I had some interesting realizations in therapy and at my nutritionists this week. I have some things to work on. At my nutritionists, I told her that I had been carrying a candy bar in my purse for about a month without eating it. I realized that I use food as a way to feel powerful. Abstaining from eating the candy bar made me feel a false sense of control. I often do this, and the restriction in a way makes me feel so strong. I finally gave it to my son to eat, which is what my nutritionist encouraged me to do. In this same way, I've been breaking my protein bar in half at lunch, and not eating the other half. I eat bites here and there of dinner, and yesterday my son commented on this saying,"Get a plate, mom, and just eat." I don't like that they notice my disordered eating, and I do want to work on this. It scares me, and my therapist suggested eating a snack with her during a session. When she mentioned this, I actually broke into a sweat at the thought. I ...

Center Of A Storm Awakening in the center of a storm the crashing of thunder flashes of electric light sharp, pelting rain pinging against the windows Your mind is whirling like the wind rushing through the trees He stirs thinking for a moment that he heard your thoughts Maybe you spoke them aloud but his breath is a steady whisper and you feel alone Turning away your cheek rests against the damp pillow The cracks of lightning break open the darkness remembering that you are safe The nightmares that linger are not real but sleep will not come You could rouse him from his own dreams curl your body against his warmth the peaceful expansion of his ribs pressed against your heart flying away from what haunts you Aching with need and want asking for comfort would be too much to bear Yielding to the night you wait until the morning birds sing Angela Minard 2012©

"Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts. ~ Edgar Allan Poe Hunger in itself is terrifying. Wanting, needing, the possibility of being denied is frightening. It is a universal fear, and yet one that we cling to, feeling as if we are alone in our longing. The autonomy of our bodies to function The beating heart, pulsing veins, the breath pulling in and pushing out without thought... Once we think, it becomes painful to inhale each exhale, always with the inevitability of the last until we are clutching our throats, gasping for air In this moment, buried alive In my yoga practice, there are two things that I really struggle with. #1 is the breath, which once I become concious of it, the instict is to hold on, and #2 is letting go of thoughts, and being in the moment. When I wrote that in the moment, I feel "buried alive," it is my past that...

I made it to both my therapy and my nutritionist sessions this week, although everything inside of me screamed that I did not want to go. I can be very stubborn at times, but my therapist said that she thought I should just come in to touch base, and that we didn't always have to dig into painful subjects. That took some of the pressure off, because last week I shut down, and could not talk about anything. I felt like because of my inability to communicate, that I was doing therapy wrong or something. I went on Wednesday, and we mostly talked about my job, and how I was doing with trying to be more of an authority figure, and also more assertive with people. I think it is going better. One of the teachers that I work with was out for most of this week, and I felt like I had more of a take charge attitude, and that staff members were coming to me when they had questions or needed guidance. I'm working really hard at this because it isn't in my nature to tell people what...

Artwork~ Alfonso Simonetti (Italian, 1840-1892) “Ancor Non Torna (And She Never Returned)” Your Hands I must have left the pulsing of my heart throbbing in your hands An empty hole in the hollow of my chest a dark, cavernous space covered with bone and flesh I must have left my soul in the dark of your dreams Do I haunt the night? Do you hear the steady beat pounding in your ears? In my mind I whisper your name but you will never find me again I'm not lost I pass by, and you are so close I could almost reach out to touch you Your eyes so empty without me no more will I answer You have broken what was left throbbing in your hands Angela Minard 2012©

I have a strong desire to write, although I have no idea what it is that I want to say. I figure that if I just begin typing, the words will come, but I've been sitting here, my mind overflowing like a junk drawer with too many useless scraps of paper. The words must serve a purpose, be of some importance, but like a junk drawer, those bits and pieces stuffed inside have lost all meaning. I've become the observer, an outsider, watching from the periphery, where everything is filmed through a lens covered in gauze. Am I the dream or the dreamer? Yesterday feels far away, the memories already fading to black and white. Holiday's can be difficult with the amount of food, and although it has been better, I still find it overwhelming. I see my nieces and their innocence, and that hurts the child that still lives inside of me. I know that eventually the pain will lessen. I felt so disconnected, came home and slept to escape, and today the feeling has passed. I remind...

Lately I find that fighting the demons within my mind is leaving me feeling exhausted and empty. I so desperately want to be good, to do everything right, and the drive for perfection, ever elusive, serves only to frustrate me. I'm so tired that I go to the opposite extreme of having a "just screw it" attitude, wanting to quit therapy, and skipping my nutritionist appointments because I haven't been following my treatment plan. The mind games I play when it comes to food and eating is my way of checking out. I sat mutely in therapy yesterday, barely able to speak, and wasting time by even being there. I will never be what everyone wants me to be or what I want to be, and my fear of failure makes me want to give up. I even think of quitting this blog. It is such a double edged sword, and a vicious circle in which there seems to be no escape. I know that I do this to myself. A fellow blogger wrote a blog post titled "I am going to eat today." She is strong i...

Finding Peace How many secrets can one hold inside? Every thought, every dream you've never told The moments left in the past a haunting of the mind A melody that will play inside of your head like a song that you cannot forget In the stillness you will remember The silence growing so loud that you want to scream forever yours to keep or speak perhaps you hold the words only whispering to the night wind feeling the lonliness the weight of your voice throbbing within your throat In letting go, there is the freedom to fly Peace is what sings in your soul Angela Minard 2012©

Artwork by Micheal Shapcott A Drowning Prayer I tried to tell you under the half moon interrupted by the hollow sound of the wind the words hung heavy every breath swallowed by fear I was the one who slept beneath the waves opening my eyes to the heavens above wrapped in the silence surrounding me I prayed to be taken lifted from the sea washed clean Could you hear my pleas from the depths of darkness? The shallow, ragged voice of another drowning soul The solitary echo of my beating heart whispered to the night "You are all alone." Stripped of faith The thief of my childhood dreams Forever haunted by the monsters you let in Angela Minard 2012©