I had some interesting realizations in therapy and at my nutritionists this week. I have some things to work on. At my nutritionists, I told her that I had been carrying a candy bar in my purse for about a month without eating it. I realized that I use food as a way to feel powerful. Abstaining from eating the candy bar made me feel a false sense of control. I often do this, and the restriction in a way makes me feel so strong. I finally gave it to my son to eat, which is what my nutritionist encouraged me to do. In this same way, I've been breaking my protein bar in half at lunch, and not eating the other half. I eat bites here and there of dinner, and yesterday my son commented on this saying,"Get a plate, mom, and just eat." I don't like that they notice my disordered eating, and I do want to work on this. It scares me, and my therapist suggested eating a snack with her during a session. When she mentioned this, I actually broke into a sweat at the thought. I have a difficult time eating in front of people. I can do it, but it causes me a great deal of anxiety. Maybe I will try it, but I'm still not sure. I really think it would make me cry, and that also represents a lack of control. The other thing that I still need to work on is asking for my needs to be met, especially with my husband. I fear he will back away from me, and that I will be too much of a burden. Food for thought, huh?
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It is so interesting to me that eventhough our disorders are different in the physical sense, they are the same in the emotional sense. I really relate to this post. Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to eat in front of people bc they will know that I am taking care of myself or if it is just bc I am afraid of judgement like them thinking , "yeah like she really needs to eat..." It may be both. Also, that control thing is really interesting. You are restricting to control what is happening to you......that makes so much sense to me, I never thought of that before. You are doing a great job Angela. Just the fact that you can talk about this stuff, you are doing a great job. I am so proud of you. I love you. I also know what you mean about not wanting to talk to your hubby for fear that you are a burden and that you won't get your needs met. I have been and am there so much, but I try---try to keep reminding myself that Adam is my husband and not my parent. For me, it is old crap from them, it is about not having been taken care of. I love you so much. and I miss you. Sending you good healing thoughts.
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