Sunday, April 22, 2012

The Blank Page

Artwork by Sergio Albiac

We return again and again to the blank page, the empty canvas of fresh dreams and new stories to weave. The joy of an unopened box of crayons, clean tablets, scribble free. The simple decision to start over with a change of perspective and newborn eyes.

I've been thinking a great deal about how my body has been restored and renewed, but my mind is still so very disordered. Every morning I wake up with good intentions, but the eating disorder is a bully, and even though I do choose to eat, the negativity beats me down. I want to be free of the hateful voice, to be able to fight those statements that tear me down. I've believed for so long in the lies, that they have become my truth. I can continue to live my life in this way, or I can choose to stand up and fight for myself. Choosing to change is the easy part, but putting it into action is where I falter. The battle is continuous, and when one lie is allowed to penetrate, it opens the door wider for many more. The constant vigilance it requires wears me down, and I'm ashamed of how many times I've given up, but here I am, back at the beginning. I'm willing to try again. All that I can ever do is keep trying. I would be even more ashamed of myself if I didn't get back up again.


Sia Jane said...

Angela, I have been there and even now i have days, where I cannot grasp why I can try so hard yet still struggle.
ED wise I am fully recovered, but I still have occasional mood issues.
I get so frustrated that I fight and fight and it still remains.
All I can say, is, we need to keep trying.
It has to, it just has to get us somewhere.
Thinking of you so much <3

Anonymous said...

Hello Angela, it's RiRi...You are a winner Angela. Having to try again isn't at all anything to be ashame of. Frustration will set in when you want to be further along in the healing process, I know it does with me at times. But I like that you have the fight in you to keep going even when you get down. I did one of my video journals today and in it I talked of the lies that have been told me and the betrayals. I hate lies, it creates such a world of hurt and weak foundations...Keep trying Angela. Keep fighting for what's yours, and that is complete healing. You will get there because YOU ARE A WINNER!!