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Saturday, April 14, 2012

Hunger


"Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart;
of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants.
The way it stops and starts. ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Hunger in itself is terrifying.
Wanting, needing,
the possibility of being denied is frightening.
It is a universal fear,
and yet one that we cling to,
feeling as if we are alone in our longing.
The autonomy of our bodies to function
The beating heart, pulsing veins,
the breath pulling in and pushing out without thought...
Once we think, it becomes painful to inhale
each exhale,
always with the inevitability of the last
until we are clutching our throats,
gasping for air
In this moment,
buried alive

In my yoga practice, there are two things that I really struggle with. #1 is the breath, which once I become concious of it, the instict is to hold on, and #2 is letting go of thoughts, and being in the moment. When I wrote that in the moment, I feel "buried alive," it is my past that I hang on to, which is no surprise if you have been a regular reader of this blog. I often catch myself holding my breath throughout the day, and having to remind myself to take a breath, which then turns into a weary sigh. The simplest things in life also happen to be the things that I find the most difficult. Breathing, eating, being in the now...
Yoga is teaching me the importance of being alive, noticing the breath and the beating of my heart. The beat that lets me know that I'm alive, and to live with gratitude for the gifts I have right now. I don't have to live with the ache of constant hunger.