Friday, April 13, 2012

My Voice

I made it to both my therapy and my nutritionist sessions this week, although everything inside of me screamed that I did not want to go. I can be very stubborn at times, but my therapist said that she thought I should just come in to touch base, and that we didn't always have to dig into painful subjects. That took some of the pressure off, because last week I shut down, and could not talk about anything. I felt like because of my inability to communicate, that I was doing therapy wrong or something. I went on Wednesday, and we mostly talked about my job, and how I was doing with trying to be more of an authority figure, and also more assertive with people. I think it is going better. One of the teachers that I work with was out for most of this week, and I felt like I had more of a take charge attitude, and that staff members were coming to me when they had questions or needed guidance. I'm working really hard at this because it isn't in my nature to tell people what to do. I worry so much about whether people like me or not. I'm trying not to concern myself so much with this, and I think for the most part, I'm improving in this area. Even though sometimes I dread having therapy, I always want to see my therapist. She is like a harbor in the midst of a rough and raging sea, so when she told me that she would be going out of town for the weekend, I almost burst into tears right there in her office. I'm not sure why I was so emotional about it. I think it is because usually she gives me more of a heads up. I called her yesterday, and left a teary message, apologizing for crying, and making absolutely no sense. I hate feeling so attached and needy. I also feel this way when my husband isn't home. I'm fine if I'm the one leaving, but being left is painful, and my unrealistic fears get the better of me. She called me back right away, talking me through the anxiety, and by the end of the phone call, I had somewhat calmed down, although I'm still feeling sad about it. I also seem to get like this when my mom comes into town, and then she leaves. It always takes me some time to get my bearings, and because my therapist is like a mother figure to me, I'm sure that is why it is so painful when she is gone. I like the safety of being surrounded by all of my people! I've been having nightmares lately about being hunted down, running and running without end. It is always two faceless men, and in one dream, they torture my husband while I watch, knowing that it will soon be me. I awaken from these violent dreams, wanting to scream, but unable to find my voice. I think about finding my voice now, how I use this blog as a part of my voice, and how I'm actually speaking using my physical voice. It is difficult for me after so many years of silence, and sometimes my voice still gets caught in my throat, but I'm learning.


Nicole said...

I am very proud of you for being strong and going to your therapist and nutritionist appointments even though you really didn’t want to go. And I think it’s fantastic that you were able to see how valuable you are as a teacher and leader in your school. That is great news :)

Angie, you and I have the same nightmare. I have a recurring nightmare where I am being chased through deserted streets by a faceless man. They are so vivid and frightening, and the panic I feel in the dream stays with me long after I wake up. It can take me the rest of the day to shake off the residual fear. I am so sorry that you also have these nightmares. I really wish you didn’t.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending you my love <3


Jennifer said...

Just wanted to offer you (((hugs))). It's so hard to feel these things, but you are, despite the difficulties AND you are working through being assertive when that is not in your nature. In other words, even though it feels otherwise to you on one level, you are being strong.

Sia Jane said...

Someone once said to me...
I have to be able to be dependent to become independent.
I fought it for years, and you know, in that time of *needing* of needing family, my mum, my therapist, I was questioning it.
Only today, that I sit her now recovered, I realise that I had to allow myself to need in order to let myself fly.
You will need, you will need support, love and understanding, and we all need those things.
But with therapy, it is in the now, it doesn't mean you will always need it, but it will mean you will need it as long as you need it (if that made any sense) <3