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Friday, April 13, 2012

My Voice


I made it to both my therapy and my nutritionist sessions this week, although everything inside of me screamed that I did not want to go. I can be very stubborn at times, but my therapist said that she thought I should just come in to touch base, and that we didn't always have to dig into painful subjects. That took some of the pressure off, because last week I shut down, and could not talk about anything. I felt like because of my inability to communicate, that I was doing therapy wrong or something. I went on Wednesday, and we mostly talked about my job, and how I was doing with trying to be more of an authority figure, and also more assertive with people. I think it is going better. One of the teachers that I work with was out for most of this week, and I felt like I had more of a take charge attitude, and that staff members were coming to me when they had questions or needed guidance. I'm working really hard at this because it isn't in my nature to tell people what to do. I worry so much about whether people like me or not. I'm trying not to concern myself so much with this, and I think for the most part, I'm improving in this area. Even though sometimes I dread having therapy, I always want to see my therapist. She is like a harbor in the midst of a rough and raging sea, so when she told me that she would be going out of town for the weekend, I almost burst into tears right there in her office. I'm not sure why I was so emotional about it. I think it is because usually she gives me more of a heads up. I called her yesterday, and left a teary message, apologizing for crying, and making absolutely no sense. I hate feeling so attached and needy. I also feel this way when my husband isn't home. I'm fine if I'm the one leaving, but being left is painful, and my unrealistic fears get the better of me. She called me back right away, talking me through the anxiety, and by the end of the phone call, I had somewhat calmed down, although I'm still feeling sad about it. I also seem to get like this when my mom comes into town, and then she leaves. It always takes me some time to get my bearings, and because my therapist is like a mother figure to me, I'm sure that is why it is so painful when she is gone. I like the safety of being surrounded by all of my people! I've been having nightmares lately about being hunted down, running and running without end. It is always two faceless men, and in one dream, they torture my husband while I watch, knowing that it will soon be me. I awaken from these violent dreams, wanting to scream, but unable to find my voice. I think about finding my voice now, how I use this blog as a part of my voice, and how I'm actually speaking using my physical voice. It is difficult for me after so many years of silence, and sometimes my voice still gets caught in my throat, but I'm learning.