Checking Out

Lately I find that fighting the demons within my mind is leaving me feeling exhausted and empty. I so desperately want to be good, to do everything right, and the drive for perfection, ever elusive, serves only to frustrate me. I'm so tired that I go to the opposite extreme of having a "just screw it" attitude, wanting to quit therapy, and skipping my nutritionist appointments because I haven't been following my treatment plan. The mind games I play when it comes to food and eating is my way of checking out. I sat mutely in therapy yesterday, barely able to speak, and wasting time by even being there. I will never be what everyone wants me to be or what I want to be, and my fear of failure makes me want to give up. I even think of quitting this blog. It is such a double edged sword, and a vicious circle in which there seems to be no escape. I know that I do this to myself. A fellow blogger wrote a blog post titled "I am going to eat today." She is strong in her recovery, and I'm so proud of her, but very disappointed in myself. My mantra the past two weeks has been " I am not going to eat today." I'm so weary of my mini relapses into anorexia. I always seem to make it through, and I have to believe that this time won't be any different, but I'm also scared that it will be different. I'm running in one direction or another, so it is no wonder I'm so tired. My sleep is fitful, my mind in constant motion, waking up startled and pouring sweat. I apologize for this blog post, and for the state I'm in. I'm easily sent into a tailspin, so I will end here.