Thursday, April 5, 2012

Checking Out

Lately I find that fighting the demons within my mind is leaving me feeling exhausted and empty. I so desperately want to be good, to do everything right, and the drive for perfection, ever elusive, serves only to frustrate me. I'm so tired that I go to the opposite extreme of having a "just screw it" attitude, wanting to quit therapy, and skipping my nutritionist appointments because I haven't been following my treatment plan. The mind games I play when it comes to food and eating is my way of checking out. I sat mutely in therapy yesterday, barely able to speak, and wasting time by even being there. I will never be what everyone wants me to be or what I want to be, and my fear of failure makes me want to give up. I even think of quitting this blog. It is such a double edged sword, and a vicious circle in which there seems to be no escape. I know that I do this to myself. A fellow blogger wrote a blog post titled "I am going to eat today." She is strong in her recovery, and I'm so proud of her, but very disappointed in myself. My mantra the past two weeks has been " I am not going to eat today." I'm so weary of my mini relapses into anorexia. I always seem to make it through, and I have to believe that this time won't be any different, but I'm also scared that it will be different. I'm running in one direction or another, so it is no wonder I'm so tired. My sleep is fitful, my mind in constant motion, waking up startled and pouring sweat. I apologize for this blog post, and for the state I'm in. I'm easily sent into a tailspin, so I will end here.


Sensory Overload said...

I hope Angela; you are able to find a space that holds you in something that feels for YOU, more fluid.

You are working very hard in many areas for YOU, but sometimes it's okay to take a break. That isn't to say; "give up, give in and do no longer". Yet, I know for my own self, how much I work to DO and always be ON.

Taking a break from EVERYONE else and the seemingly "demands" of that can definitely engulf ones thoughts. So give yourself a break. A break where you just DO and BE what is YOU.

Thank you for sharing. I hope in some way you know in doing so, you offer others (me) something to feel comfort in.

Be as well as you will/can allow.

With light.

T.J. said...

Dont be sorry for expressing how you yourself it is a good thing,so I am told. Keep writing whatever you want,again,I love reading them and they do help me......

Eve said...

I agree with TJ, please don't be sorry for being honest. I find it very encouraging and refreshing. I am praying for you. I love you.

Heather Jerdee said...

Yes you have nothing to apologize for. I understand.... everyday is like climbing up a mountain. I love you, your words and your honesty. Your are loved just for you. I forget daily that you and others know/understand how I feel and we have safety together. <3

Ruth said...

(((((HUGS))))) Hang in there! We're here for you.

Sia Jane said...

I think you need to keep writing.
Isolating yourself will only make the self deprivating voices worse.
You have a lot more strength than your mind is allowing you to believe right now.
This can change.
You have it within you and we are all with you in this fight <3