Here and Now

This is dissociation as I experience it~ Sitting with a group of friends, I'm surrounded by their familiar laughter. I vaguely feel the muscles of my face contort into the shape of a smile, although it feels somewhat ghoulish, and I'm aware of a floating sensation in my limbs, hollow, and yet strangely weary. The rise and fall of conversation is barely an echo that I'm desperately trying to grasp a hold of within my mind. I am a stranger in these moments of separation, watching with detached curiosity before I slip into oblivion...  I'm learning to catch myself before falling... Counting the length of my inhales and exhales, or naming everything I see that is the color blue, anything to remind myself that I am a part of this world. I've stopped asking myself why because the reasons are many, and complicated. I can't always figure them out, and sometimes I think they are more internal than external. If I tried to avoid the triggers, I would be a ...

Today is my birthday... the final year of this decade in my forties. It has been tumultuous to say the least.  I clawed my way through,  sometimes barely hanging on, but here I am!  I would like to say it was a beautiful ride, but not so much... At first glance,  you may have even wanted to avert your gaze,  but there was quiet celebration  if you could focus your gaze long enough to see the details.  The celebration in no particular order, because I find them all to be miracles... Finding my voice, which meant finally speaking out about being raped Going to therapy Getting treatment for anorexia which meant going inpatient and being away from my family Surviving two suicide attempts {Feeling my feelings was overwhelmingly painful, and I wanted to die.} I'm thankful that I was not successful.  Finding yoga and an accepting community Continuing to work through the process of trauma with my amazing therapis...

I am deeply and suddenly exhausted in a way that I think comes from surviving and living my life, which we are all doing in our own ways, but as a person with mental health issues, I am constantly having to find and use healthy coping skills. I am a highly anxious person which I think probably surprises many people, because I hide it well. My co-workers are always telling me how calm I am, but on the inside, I'm often tied in knots. I have been struggling with panic attacks, and intense worry over losing the important people in my life.  I hide because of shame. I have suffered since childhood with dissociative episodes, which means that it is common for me to lose chunks of time, where I remember nothing. It is how I coped with trauma, but now it is maladaptive, and no longer serves a purpose, and yet many things still trigger me to dissociate. I use a lot of energy trying to stay grounded, but also I'm worn out from the anxiety over whether or not I'm going to have...