Illusions

Illusions

Ahhh...

so I'm talking again to you

or perhaps

it is only the illusion of a confidant

the perfect

silent friend

nodding in agreement

tagging along with my brilliant ideas

nudging me with your elbow

winking in conspiracy

two vagabonds running wild

I will play

along for the ride

knowing deep in my heart

that you are a trickster

masquerading as the nurturing creator

Hiding your wicked smile

as if I could not see

that your nightmares are brighter than my fireworks

screaming white noise

Simply try to close your eyes

Ahhh...

so I'm talking again to you

or perhaps

it is only an illusion...

Angela Minard 2015©

Effects On The Heart

My job requires me to move around quite frequently to different schools, so I may work with students for a short amount of time, train staff, and then move on. Many of the students that I work with are non verbal, and so most often I do not know how my abrupt departure affects them. At the beginning of the school year, I worked with a first grade boy diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He is an extremely intelligent and verbal child, who always let me know exactly what he was feeling and thinking! I only worked with him for 4 weeks, but he touched my heart, and telling him that I was leaving was difficult. Since I left, he has been sending me e-mails, and they can be quite heart wrenching. He asks why I left, and if he did something bad to make me leave. He apologizes for any misbehavior, and so when I write back I always try to reassure him that he didn't do anything to cause me to leave. I tell him that he is doing great on his own, and that another student needed my help. The e-mail he sent me this week asked me if I missed him, and if I could come and visit him, so this morning I stopped by and sat with him before school started. We chatted about his favorite subject, the Titanic, and he told me that he printed out the picture of me that he had requested I send him. We took a couple of selfies together on my phone, which I told him I would e-mail, I walked him to his classroom, and gave him a high five before I left. He is such a serious little man, but he looked me square in the eyes, gave me a huge grin, and said, "I knew you missed me!" 

Ahhh, my heart!

Artwork by~ Deborah Wenlock

Goodbye

Goodbye

Before leaving

we schedule appointments

make lists

check and double check

stop the mail

and newspaper delivery

giving a neighbor the garage door code

We pack and repack our suitcases

left with the nagging feeling 

that we have forgotten 

what is important

Before leaving

we linger in doorways

repeatedly glancing in the rear view mirror

smoothing the wrinkles from our clothing

and retracing each mistake 

that brought us to goodbye

Angela Minard 2015©

Photograpy by~ Cherilyn Ferroggiaro "Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever"

Behind Your Wings

I don't know what to do with this sadness, and I realize that the main problem is feeling like I need to "do" something with it, or fix it in some way. I want to get around it, under it, over it, and totally away from it. This is how I've lived my life for a long time. I fix things, or ignore things, but allowing is one thing I talk about to others, and yet rarely do for myself. Allowing takes time, and I'm not sure I have the stamina for this much hurt, betrayal, anger, and loss. I cannot even manage a deep breath as I write these words. I want to help everyone else to heal, but can I do the really tough work to heal myself? 

Now

Now

In the darkest hours of early winter

before the sky becomes shaded in somber grey

and creatures of the night are silently watching

only the haunted rise and roam

filled with demons

lost without darkness

feeling blindly through the dissonant fog

deftly searching fingertips

you touch, you touch, you touch

and breathe in 

pain

once again

you touch, you touch, you touch

and breathe in

joy

like fire

there is no difference

inhale

exhale

breathe

Angela Minard 2015©

"Allow  beauty to shatter you regularly. The loveliest people are the ones who have been  burnt and broken and torn at the seams, and yet still stand, their open hearts into the world to mend with love again, and again, and again. You must allow yourself to feel your life while your in it."~ Victoria Erickson

At The Party

At The Party

There was this sudden realization...
 My heart

immediately jumping into my throat

 searching everywhere

asking strangers where you were

but they did not know you...

Perhaps I did not know you

after all of this time?

You reappeared like magic

finding me in a panic

sobbing like an abandoned child

"I would never leave you."

"Don't you know that by now?"

Each day I have to believe all over again

as if preparing for a devastating loss

because I remember what it was like

to feel you slipping away 

Angela Minard 2015©

Light

Last evening my husband and I attended Satsang, (which in Indian philosophy means to be in the company of the "highest truth") at the beloved yoga studio where I practice and now also teach yoga. The studio was filled with many friends, and my amazing husband was beside me. It was a lovely way to celebrate the dawning of a new year, and also honor 2014. We were all asked to draw angel cards toward the end of the evening, so I closed my eyes, reached into the bowl, and drew my card. I held it in my hands for a few moments before glancing down and reading my card. My card had the word "Light" printed on it, and I could feel the tears forming behind my eyes. All year I had been listening to a song by India Arie titled "I Am Light", and had even used that song to close my practicum yoga class because the lyrics hold deep meaning for me. I also thought about the year ahead, and my dream of bringing light to those struggling with eating disorders and body image issues through the practice of yoga. That dream is about to happen in the next month! Another thought that passed through my mind was how most of my life was spent attempting to be physically light, to the point of disappearing and being less than I was truly meant to be. I don't believe that it was an accident that I drew that particular card, and even more amazing was that when we were leaving the studio, I turned on my Spotify playlist, which was on shuffle, and the song "The Light" by Sara Bareilles came on! 

Here are the lyrics to "I Am Light" by India Arie

I am light

I am not the things my family did

I am not the voices in my head

I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside

I am light

I'm not the mistakes that I have made or any of the things that caused me pain

I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind

I am light

I am not the color of my eyes

I am not the skin on the outside

I am not my age,

I am not my race,

my soul inside is all light

I am divinity defined 

I am the God on the inside

I am a star,

a piece of it all

I am light

I feel that listening to this song every day was the affirmation that I needed to begin manifesting and believing in my own light. We have the power within us to change the course of our lives through our own thoughts and what we tell ourselves. I struggle with this on a daily basis, but I also fight back on a daily basis. Give it a try, and see what happens! 

May you all have a blessed and Happy New Year filled with love and light.

xoxoxo Angela