Echoes

Echoes

Once you were the light

illuminating the darkness in my heart

Now all that is left is self doubt

The whispering memory of your voice

it echoes, echoes, echoes

reverberating deep inside my soul

filling the hollow, empty spaces

The words you said would soothe me

and with everything I am

I still want so much to believe

The vivid dreams of you

haunt the silence of the night

as I call out your name

hearing only the echo, echo, echo

Angela Minard 2011©

No Longer Taking The Blame

I have been packing a lunch to take to work, sometimes I eat breakfast, and I almost always eat dinner. I'm excited about how well I've been doing, and even better, my weight is stable, even though I'm eating more. It is great to know that I'm not gaining, but to be honest, there is a part of me that still wants to lose weight. It is an old thought pattern, and hard to get out of my head, but I'm hoping that eventually I will be content with the weight that I am. I'm not willing to fall back into the pit of starvation. I'm sitting with my emotions, feeling them, squirming away from them, but no longer checking out. Therapy has been going really well. I've been opening up more, and when I saw my trauma therapist on Monday, I was surprised by how much I was able to share. The memories can be so painful, that often times in a session, I find myself drifting away. This week he even commented that he was proud of me for staying present. I'm so grateful for my wonderful treatment team, and a supportive family. Without all of them, I don't think I would be alive right now. I told my therapist this, and she said that I need to begin to take some of the credit for where I am. I struggle with this because I tend to want to blame myself for everything, but I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that none of the abuse was my fault. I don't have to hurt and punish myself anymore, because I did nothing wrong. Having that realization is a great comfort, and with that knowledge comes a bit of the peace that I've been longing for.

The Gift

The Gift

I saw a man weaving a basket

by the side of the road

The sunlight shimmering

on top of his silver haired head

Intent he was, his gaze concentrated

upon his skilled fingers

twisting the pliable branches

Perhaps his mind drifting in and out;

his thoughts pausing to linger

on memories as faded as a cherished

and well worn photograph

Observing from a distance

His shoulders hunched

as he diligently created a vessel

that would one day hold freshly picked apples

or lovingly gathered wildflowers

A prayer...

A peace offering...

A gift...

Angela Minard 2011©

Art And Sunshine

This is me with my very tall friend, Carroll. We are at the art fair, posing in front of some outrageously expensive car.

I've had a good start to the weekend. I went to the Plaza Art Fair last night with my husband and some friends. It was so much fun, and we saw some amazing art work. It is beautiful weather here right now, and you can feel fall in the air. I wish I could just hang on to it, but unfortunatly winter always manages to show up. Today I'm going to sit by the pool at my friend, Carroll's house. It is in the 70's and she turned the heat on in her pool, so it should be nice. I'm going to soak up all of the sun that I can, while it's here!

Breathe And Smile

I'm don't know why I'm writing when I'm not sure of the words that I want to say. Sometimes it isn't until I begin to type that everything inside comes pouring out, but here it goes...

Yesterday was frustrating. My kids at work were trying my patience, same with kids at home, and the brakes went out on our van. This morning I had a meeting at work, and they call out a name for someone to present there work topic and lead a discussion group. This always causes me a great deal of anxiety and my hands were shaking, but luckily my name was not called, which was a huge relief. I should have taken my medication, but didn't pick it up because the line was so long. I wasn't in the mood to wait! I want to feel like my heart isn't about ready to explode out of my chest all of the time. Today is a therapy day, and being in her office somehow always makes me feel safe and protected. She is my maternal surrogate. Venting might make me feel better, and then I will go to yoga, and definitely pick up my medication. I have to keep telling myself to stay in the moment. Things always have a way of working themselves out. Breathe and smile:-)

Where I Need to Be

I have struggled for the past few days with inertia, feeling stuck in this current anxious state of mind, restless and agitated, but also unable to move forward. Maybe I just get frustrated that I'm not always moving in a forward direction. I think that I need to learn to be still and satisfied that I'm right where I need to be. That seems difficult for me to do. I always feel like I'm reaching and waiting for more, but I'm not even sure what it is that I'm wanting. I have so much as it is, so why is it that I can't seem to find peace and contentment within myself? The critical voice that points out all of my mistakes gets tiring, and I have yet to find a way to quiet it. I think the only thing that stops the endless chatter is when I'm doing yoga. The deep concentration and focus that I have as I move through the poses centers and calms me. I'm working on forearm stands right now. The strength and balance I'm gaining surprises me, and I love feeling like I'm in control of my body and what it can do. I know loss of control is a problem for me. I think it is why I'm having trouble driving right now. I'm not in control of what other people do, and although I know that I never will be, it still frightens me. I filled the prescription that my psychiatrist gave me for the anxiety, so I'm going to try it tomorrow. It is actually a blood pressure medication, and not supposed to have a lot of side effects. Still, all in all, I'm so much better than I've been in the past. There is progress, and I need to keep reminding myself of this. I'm where I need to be.

My Girl

This is my favorite girl. Her name is Phoebe, and she is ten years old. She has a cute mole on her nose. I call it her Cindy Crawford mole:) She is mostly a beagle, with some dachshund and basset hound mixed in. She howls like a hound, especially when she smells a skunk. She is endlessly hungry, and dances around in circles until she gets fed each morning. I love her, as you can tell, so I wanted to share her:)

A New Realization

Saturday I saw my psychiatrist for the standard 15 minute visit. I told her about my current anxiety over driving, and the feeling that something bad in general is going to happen to me. The driving is manageable, or at least it is not keeping me from doing what I need to do, but I'm so jumpy behind the wheel, which is not a good feeling. She prescribed me another new anti-anxiety med which isn't addictive. She said it is what actors take for stage fright. I haven't picked it up from the pharmacy yet. I'm not thrilled about taking something else, but I will try it. Other than that, I think I'm doing fairly well. For the most part, I'm eating and taking care of myself. It is funny that I'm worried about my well being and safety, when for so long, I could have cared less about myself, so maybe in some ways it is good that I don't want to be killed in a car accident! I have to try to look at these things in a positive light, otherwise I would go crazy trying to figure it all out. I know that I'm doing what I can to heal, and although in many ways the pain is so raw and real, I know that it is important to be feeling. I know that I'm alive, I have survived, and can move on and tackle whatever comes my way. There is newfound strength in that realization.

Ups And Downs

I have felt disconnected, needy, and just not myself this week. Sometimes I require a lot of attention from my husband, and sometimes I don't. We often do our own seperate things, which is great. We aren't connected at the hip 24/7, and I don't need that, but sometimes I want to feel like he wants to spend time with me. I want him to innitiate, and not for it always to be my idea, and I get my feelings hurt. I've been down, and excessively tired, but today has been better. I'm looking forward to the weekend, and getting some yoga in. I haven't done it much this week, because on Monday, I took a long and furious walk in my flip flops, and my calfs were really sore. Yoga must keep me more centered than I realize. Eating has been hit or miss. One day I will eat fine, and then the next barely at all. My schedule feels really off, and maybe it was the long weekend that threw me off track. Anyway...I just wanted to check in here, and also wish everyone a wonderful weekend!

Creation

Creation

Coming out from behind the shadows

peering around dark corners

blinded by the ever changing kaleidoscope

surprising brilliance exploding behind my eyes

the cracks in my heart bursting

I will not patch them up

or glue them back together

beautifully broken

a mosaic masterpiece

each fragment lovingly collected

by the artists skillful hand

Angela Minard 2011©