Monday, September 19, 2011

Where I Need to Be

I have struggled for the past few days with inertia, feeling stuck in this current anxious state of mind, restless and agitated, but also unable to move forward. Maybe I just get frustrated that I'm not always moving in a forward direction. I think that I need to learn to be still and satisfied that I'm right where I need to be. That seems difficult for me to do. I always feel like I'm reaching and waiting for more, but I'm not even sure what it is that I'm wanting. I have so much as it is, so why is it that I can't seem to find peace and contentment within myself? The critical voice that points out all of my mistakes gets tiring, and I have yet to find a way to quiet it. I think the only thing that stops the endless chatter is when I'm doing yoga. The deep concentration and focus that I have as I move through the poses centers and calms me. I'm working on forearm stands right now. The strength and balance I'm gaining surprises me, and I love feeling like I'm in control of my body and what it can do. I know loss of control is a problem for me. I think it is why I'm having trouble driving right now. I'm not in control of what other people do, and although I know that I never will be, it still frightens me. I filled the prescription that my psychiatrist gave me for the anxiety, so I'm going to try it tomorrow. It is actually a blood pressure medication, and not supposed to have a lot of side effects. Still, all in all, I'm so much better than I've been in the past. There is progress, and I need to keep reminding myself of this. I'm where I need to be.


Eve said...

Wow! I feel ya! I am sorry you are in this state, but confident that it is going to work out for the good. Keep taking care of yourself love!

Sia Jane said...

I love the image <3

It is really hard to deal with agitation and restlessness, and so I can understand why that feels so intense.

And as you say you need to keep remembering how far you have come, and continue to come, and also engage with the remembering that you are making progress < xoxo