Here and Now

Well, I would like to be posting a picture of me frolicking on the beach, but tropical storm Debby has prevented me from doing that, so here is a picture of me enjoying the sun at home in Kansas City. Nevertheless, I have been enjoying spending time with my family. I have taken a couple of yoga classes while I've been here, and learned some new poses to take back home. My mom and I have of course been shopping, and we have pedicures scheduled for Wednesday, and then I'm headed back home on Thursday. I love summer vacation, and never want it to end. I will leave you with a picture of my parent's kitten, Joey. He is adorable, and needs to come home with me!

Well, I seem to have taken a bit of a blogging hiatus, and slacking on the word of the day challenges. I'm on vacation in Florida right now visiting my family, so who knows when the spirit to write will hit me. I'm having a very restful and fabulous summer so far with lots of pool time and extra yoga classes. The studio is offering new early morning traditional yoga classes, which are about 2 1/2 hours long and include chanting, breathwork, and meditation. I'm really enjoying learning new styles of yoga, and also working on other aspects of the practice. The meditation is difficult for me, but I'm getting better at silencing my thoughts and being with the breath. Yoga is teaching me to be in the present moment, and at times I find myself so calm and at peace that my mind is totally quiet. That is something definitely new for me, as I've struggled so often with racing thoughts. I haven't had to take my anti-anxiety medication in quite awhile. I'm going...

If you type the word "perfect" into the search engine on this blog, you will find many posts that I have already written on this subject. I think many of us who struggle with eating disorders in particular find ourselves caught in the trap of wanting so badly to be perfect to the extent that we lose ourselves in the process. The process itself is a losing battle, because hey! Guess what?! There is no such thing as perfection! That is right, so let it go! This is one of my favorite quotes written by Anna Quindlen~ "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." When we let go of all of those expectations of who we think we should be, we can actually focus on the becoming. I'm going to post a song here by Evanescence called "Everybody's Fool." It is about believeing in the lie of perfection. This song speaks to my eating disorder especially with thes...

Masquerade Lost within a crowd of unfamiliarity there is comfort in being unknown The safe distance of strangers with their guarded eyes and stiff shoulders Silence is meaningless, each blank face, a masquerade... the hidden smile, wayward tear, or ghoulish frown Words are meaningless, each story, a mystery left untold Angela Minard 2012©

To be honest, I wanted to skip over this word.  "Force may be thought of as any influence which tends to change the motion of an object." I was used as an object, and change means that you can never go back to who you used to be. As a survivor of rape, I obsess over going back, but because I was forced against my will, I'm forever changed. That fact is difficult for me to grasp. I will never be the same, and that is a painful realization. Force was used to take away my identity, and my safety. I had to use that same kind of force to take back my power...to be free of fear...I like to think of the essense of who I am as being a "force." It is what protects me, and makes me who I am. I don't want to use force, I want to be a force.    

I would definitely say that I'm an emotional person. Someone not that long ago said that as much as they think that I try to avoid my feelings, I feel things more deeply than most. I'm not really sure what that means. I think we are all emotional beings, it is just that we aren't very comfortable admitting to those feelings. I don't want to show my feelings to others for fear of being ridiculed. If I'm vulnerable, than those feelings I show leave me wide open to being hurt. I'm not very good at hiding how I feel, and I'm easily wounded. I think of these things as weaknesses, as if emotions are bad. I've done things to avoid my feelings like drinking alcohol, or restricting my food intake. We all try to protect ourselves from being hurt. I'm afraid to have peope show their feelings toward me, especially anger or sadness. Feelings can be overwhelming, and we often have the need to "fix" negative emotions. Emotions need to be felt not f...

"Man has such a predilection for systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses only to justify his logic." ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky There is not a whole lot of logical thinking going on when it comes to someone with an eating disorder. In fact, just the other day I had a moment of totally illogical thinking. One of my sons had put some of my clothes in the dryer after they had been washed. I had a couple of minutes of panic because "Oh my God, what if they didn't fit me anymore?" That would mean that I was fat, and not that the clothes had actually shrunk. It took me awhile to talk myself through how illogical that kind of thinking was, and I finally did come to my senses. That is how eating disorders take over, distorting your thinking, distorting the truth, until you believe everything you are telling yourself. If I eat a cookie, within minutes, I will have gained weight...

                                                                      Artwork by~ Isabelle Bryer It is June 7th. There is nothing extraordinary about that fact. I like plain old days without expectations and to do lists. I sit in the sun until my heart pounds and sweat drips down my spine, as if  running away from something so frightening...afraid to look behind. The thing is, I'm lounging on my porch, not running from monsters, the sweat will cool me, and I can always move into the shade. Today is moments strung together like the pearls on a necklace, each one perfectly beautiful in its simplicity. There will...

"Don't get into trouble." How many times did you hear that as a child? I've even said it to my own children. Whether we say or hear those words, I think that it can sound to the person who hears it, like they are somehow always to blame for the trouble, or that they brought it on themselves. This can lead to shame and guilt. Trouble can also mean to be a bother or to get in the way. Either way, trouble is not something you want to get into, or be. When I was a child, I avoided getting into trouble like the plague. It did happen at times, but for the most part, I tried my best to be a "good" girl. I also didn't want to get in the way. I was quiet and unobtrusive, the epitomy of a well-mannered child. When my illness took over, I felt horrible guilt and shame for what I was doing to my family. I felt that I was getting in the way with all of my problems, and that I didn't deserve anything good. I was bad...too much trouble. Those feelings devoured...

I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how can I find my way? Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears?”  Laurie Halse Anderson, ~Speak I have often been a slave to my memories, but I am here. I have survived, and if I'm nothing else here on this blog, I am honest about my struggles, my fears, and my pain. I want to share with others who feel alone with their eating disorders, depression, and healing from trauma. I know that until I started reading the blogs of other people who were dealing with many of the same problems that I was, I felt terribly alone. I haven't always been honest with myself. I have been in denial, lied to others about my drinking and eating. I have hidden my feelings, withholding from those that love me, but I'm trying to make up for those things. I longed to be someone that I was not...to be different...to be better. I'm beginning to accept who I am, with all of my flaws and stre...

At any given moment, more than 1,100 trained volunteers are on duty and available to help victims at RAINN-affiliated crisis centers across the country. 1-800-656-HOPE Her Kind Oh, you think you know her kind your eyes devour, slide in tight, you sigh Mmmm she's brand new but she doesn't know how to say no pressed against the seat her silence seduces you hands traveling inside pushing you away Oh, you think you know her kind with your breath against her neck your insistance but she doesn't know how to say no when it is over you think she liked it and you tell her as her hands pull her skirt from around her waist shame like filth clings to her skin fists clenched tight, half moons in her palms the screams of "no" echo in her head it was the blouse, the lipstick, the willingness to be held turning away, she shivers in the warmth As she unlocks the door, stumbing with the ache of guilt she is that kind Ang...

In yoga, there is a pose called "warrior pose." The arms spread like wings, strong and confident, the heart open to receive. The very first time I did this pose, I felt like crying, and wondered why I was so emotional. It was at a time when I wasn't feeling so strong. I was in treatment, and had just been released to have some physical activity, and yoga was what was offered. I immediately connected with the movements, and although I was weak, and my legs were shaking through each pose, I felt a sense of calm and strength that I had not felt in a very long time. I was fighting, and the word warrior to me means to fight a battle with courage and conviction. This was my blog post in November of 2007, just before I went into treatment. Tomorrow I go and get my lab work and EKG done, and then I will go and talk to my work about a leave of absence. I will most likely be flying to Florida on Monday, and then be admitted Tuesday morning. Everything is happening s...

When I think of the word sincere, the first person who comes to mind is my husband. He loves me unconditionally, with all of my flaws and has never once tried to change me. He picks me up when I fall, praises my successes, and tells me the truth, as painful as that can be sometimes. We have been through many ups and downs in our marriage. We have survived his brain tumor, my anorexia, a couple of stays on the psych ward, and my stay in a treatment center, never once leaving my side. I think that most people really try to be sincere, although most of us can also judge too harshly at times. I know that I can be critical of others , and also of myself. I am blessed with many sincere people in my life. I have a family who has supported me and stuck with me through many tough times. Sincerity comes with an open heart and mind, and of course the capacity to love through even the most difficult times.

There are generally two definitions of the word "crazy." We use the term "Crazy," as in "She is boy crazy," or it can mean "insanity." I would prefer not to use the term crazy when referring to someone who is mentally ill. The word "insane" isn't even a term that is used much anymore. People may call you crazy if you starve yourself, cut yourself, purge, or attempt to commit suicide, but that is such a derogatory word that is no longer politically correct. I remember sitting in my therapists office one day, tears streaming down my face, and asking her, "Am I crazy?" I had a definite fear that I was going insane, which in my mind meant that I was never going to be well. I envisioned being locked away, bars on the windows, drugged into a stupor, and tied into a straight jacket. At this point, I had attempted suicide twice, not to mention the anorexia and erratic behavior. I needed help. I needed to stay on my medication...

I thought that maybe I could write about power without mentioning the anorexia, but it was my ultimate power...the only thing in my life that I truly knew without a doubt I could control, or at least I thought I could. I knew what it was like to be stripped of dignity, to be left with nothing but shame. At first I used food as a way to comfort myself, until I discovered that I also could use it as a way to punish myself. Not eating became a game...how little could I consume. The sad part was that people would congratulate me, and ask me for my willpower secrets, and in the end when I was drowning in the disorder, I knew that no one could make me eat.  It was the first experience I had with power, and it both excited and terrified me. It took awhile for me to realize that it was the eating disorder holding all of the power. I was never going to be thin enough, and if I allowed it, the disease was going to kill me. True power is knowing we have choices, ...

During the height of my anorexia, I wanted nothing more than to disappear, grasping for the illusion of invisibility, when in reality I was using my body to scream, "See me!" I didn't realize at the time that this was what I was doing. Starving was a way to numb myself, and the distraction of being obsessed with my weight kept the painful feelings at bay. I was hiding from myself, consumed with shame and self loathing. I felt that I didn't deserve to exist. As a rape survivor, I hated my body, hated my breasts, my hips, everything that made me a woman. I blamed my body for what had happened to me, and it made perfect sense to punish myself. When you are entrenched in the disorder you think it's about the weight, the food, the number on the scale, and you think that no one else understands. Can't they see that I'm fat?  I thought that no one could see me and what I was doing to myself. When we deny our feelings and silence our voices, that is when we bec...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin My previous blog post was about wanting to take some risks in my life. Change does not always have to be some huge, cataclysmic event. Change can and does happen in small ways everyday. Taking part in this blog challenge is a risk because writing prompts have always intimidated me. Sometimes stepping out of our comfort zone in one area of our life promotes growth in other areas. Most often in our lives, change is not immediate. When it comes to the eating disorder, I did not go from anorexia to recovery in one giant leap. Some days I took risks, some days I stood still, and some days I went backward, but all of those days still add up to where I am now. We don't always recognize that change is happening, but it is a constant. We learn from every failure, and each misstep is what will catapult us toward our goals if we allow for mistakes. Whe...