"Don't get into trouble." How many times did you hear that as a child? I've even said it to my own children. Whether we say or hear those words, I think that it can sound to the person who hears it, like they are somehow always to blame for the trouble, or that they brought it on themselves. This can lead to shame and guilt. Trouble can also mean to be a bother or to get in the way. Either way, trouble is not something you want to get into, or be. When I was a child, I avoided getting into trouble like the plague. It did happen at times, but for the most part, I tried my best to be a "good" girl. I also didn't want to get in the way. I was quiet and unobtrusive, the epitomy of a well-mannered child. When my illness took over, I felt horrible guilt and shame for what I was doing to my family. I felt that I was getting in the way with all of my problems, and that I didn't deserve anything good. I was bad...too much trouble. Those feelings devoured my self worth, and those feelings led me to believe that the world would be better without me. When my own pain became too much to bear, all that I wanted was for it to end. I also felt like I couldn't share those thoughts with anyone because I didn't want to be a burden anymore. I couldn't see how selfish and irrational I was being because my despair overshadowed everything else. Life is precious, my life is precious. We all have gifts to share with this world, and it took a couple of wake up calls for me to realize this. When fear and self loathing take over, reach out and grab the hands of someone...anyone.