Here and Now

Locking You Out I thought about locking you out when you left me waiting It wasn't the first time although this felt different more real? less real? Would I feel as safe enclosed without you? I knew the answer... I imagined you angry pounding on your door You would tell me to leave "Never come back!" but this is all a lie... I knew better I thought about the first time I met you your eyes soft voice soft I found myself wanting I thought about locking you out... Angela Minard 2014©

Nothing Nowhere There is nothing  beyond this fragment of time  empty spaces  an entire being   made up of tiny grey molecules bouncing around  like the static on a television screen without purpose or meaning walking along the periphery neither here nor there an indescribable limbo perpetually in motion to nowhere Angela Minard 2014©

Now I've done this assignment before... How far have you come? I can see from there to here truly, I can but... does it even matter? I suppose I'm confused... if I'm focused on the present moment "now" is the ultimate goal but... This is "now" Now is being afraid of my mind the maze of memories that turns today into a mystery feeling consummately alone contemplating death solely not to bring anyone with me into my living hell Now is everything or nothing depending on my sanity at any given moment I could go further be more Oh, I want, I want... now to be quieter less ashamed less like there but I do not know how to find now Angela Minard 2014 © Artwork by ~ Fuyuko Matsui  "In The Realm Of Hell"

Impulsive Liberty I am terrified of losing my mind because it happens on occasion when the combination of pain and exhaustion wears me down becoming irrational in my thoughts This momentary insanity like a shot of adrenaline jump starts the madness My brain short circuits with bouts of nothingness returning to despair and it is in those spaces of time  that I die over and over again She is face down on the bed I watch her from above knowing she will not scream out Hating her for silence Hating her for fear and yet wanting her to be free It is inside of that bedroom in the darkest of memories that I try to help her leave  Angela Minard 2014© Photography by~ Victor Schrager "But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing." ~Maya Angelou

Citadel I push you away waiting for you to give up and when you do not I practically beg you to leave Pounding my head and clawing at myself as if I was the demon There is no escape for me but you should get out "You should get out!" I want to shout but it is only loud on the inside where it is safe for me not for you...  Angela Minard 2014©

Ten Times "I'm afraid,"  "I'm afraid," "I'm afraid," is not even a fraction of the times I've said this phrase to myself I'm afraid of everything but you would never know I jump at sudden noises  I'm afraid of the dark  of shadows being alone  suffocating  anger  drowning  being chased being trapped  hands  ropes  whispering  loud music No You would never know... but what I'm really afraid of more than anything is being seen Don't see my shadows my anger my loneliness Don't see my shame my shame... Don't see me because if you see me you can't love me you can't love me  I'm afraid  you can't love me Love Me... Angela Minard 2014©

Ophelia Anything but silent moving pictures flash before eyes that cannot see a mouth that moves without sound a body dancing joylessly yet this flesh which holds everything inside is painfully alive crawling over these bones like black earth nourishing soil in need of a cleansing rain the filth collects beneath cracks and crevices quaking breath trembling limbs soot filled lungs gasping for light searching for salty tears to bathe in wave upon wave drifting away Angela Minard 2014© "Ophelia drowned in the water/crushed by her own weight" Lyrics by Jewel~"Innocence Maintained"

Last night was rough, but I made it through with some help, even though sharing, and being vulnerable was difficult. My husband wasn't home when I came home from work, and the boys were at work. I was on the computer, and perfectly fine until a noise startled me, and immediately sent me into a flashback. I lost all sense of time and place, and was deeply sad and shaken when it was over. I wanted to take a bath, but from experience know that is not helpful for me. I also wanted to drink to escape, which is also not helpful, so I wrote on my blog, even though I wasn't sharing the entire story. When my husband returned, I didn't tell him about the flashback. I usually keep them to myself, although I'm working on opening up more to him. He asked me if I wanted to watch the episode of The Big Bang Theory that he had recorded, so I settled in on the couch next to him. I still had a strong desire to bathe, and felt as if my skin was crawling. I tried to focus on the tel...

I'm sad, or something... confounded feelings!  I need a map to find my way through it all,  and I would like it all to be explained in precise detail,  and of course I can't allow myself to be... I must pick it all apart,  criticizing myself every step of the way.  Along with whatever feelings I'm having also comes fear,  as in,  "What does this mean?"  "Am I going to sink into yet another debilitating depression?"  "How long is this feeling going to last?"  I want answers,  and I want them now!  I'm the only one who has them,  so I realize I'm not being patient with myself.  I'm going to search for someone to hug,  eat some dinner,  which I've been avoiding,  and not give into destructive behaviors. 

This Is Love They will lie pretending to care perhaps believing their own chatter  feigning interest pretty made up stories that you will dream about with breathless anticipation They will leave you dangling in mid-air like a disjointed marionette unable to wipe the sick plastic smile off of your aching face They will tell you that "this is love," and "this is love," until love means nothing but silence, pain, and empty promises This is not love... Angela Minard 2014© Photography by~ Frank T. Zumbach

Abandoned The world spins fast and loud Swallowed inside where nothing seems real The frightening drumming  like a death warning a premonition of impending darkness Looking through stained glass brilliance intensely colored shadows  Overwhelming beauty delivers blinding pain along with confusion Passing reflections unrecognizable the study of unfamiliar eyes flesh between fingers Vanishing hunger the expansiveness of mind and body disappearing into the vast universe of silence Angela Minard 2014© Photography~ "Stained" by Timothy Neesom Sometimes I find things in my drafts that I don't remember writing, and so I read my words, all at once foreign and familiar, searching for the pieces of myself that would help me to make sense of who I am.