Here and Now

The beauty of evening, as I sit outside on my swing. With each sip of wine, I listen to the repetitive scream of the cicada's last few calls of summer. The feel of fall is drifting around the corner. The touch of morning, cool and bright. Feel the change of seasons. The nudging rememberance that I am alive. I can do this. I will find my way.

Pink tipped clouds shaped like wings streaking through the darkening sky. The soul breathes in, then out. A sigh… Longing for the chance to fly. Angela Minard 2007

What I wish more than anything is to just take flight

I'm consumed by thoughts of what I'm eating, or not eating. Is this smaller?... Is that bigger?... Looser...Tighter... I suppose that is the nature of the disorder. I use it to distract my mind from more painful thoughts. It makes me numb and oblivious to all other feelings. Unfortunately, it also numbs the good feelings. I just feel dead inside. I have a husband who is in love with me, and four sons that I adore. I'm blessed with a beautiful family, and yet I push everything away to let the sickness take over.

I'm such a hypocrite! I just finished telling someone that I care about that they shouldn't restrict, when it is exactly what I have been doing! I'm starting to lose the weight that I had gained back, and all that my mind says is more, more, more! This eating disorder rules my life. It is what takes up most of the thoughts in my head, and that is sad and ridiculous. And, I can't seem to stop it. To be honest, most of me does not truly want to recover. I just want everyone to think that I'm recovered while I make elaborate plans on how to starve myself without anyone noticing. Such bullshit.

Pure Empty Nothing More Needing Less Refuse The Feeling Embrace The Twisting Turning Churning Stomach Yearning Heart Missing Skipping Beating A Void Left Unfilled Hollow Vacant Abandoned Lonely Stripped Of Spirit Cleansed Within The Soul Calls Out For Solace Lacking Longing For Love Never Yielding Deny These Hunger Pains

I stand on this cliff. Flooded with feelings. Hidden away. Fears that are new. Not sure where they fit. Where do I put them? Or are they all mine?... Are they imagined?... Fragments of dreams?... They feel just like memories... Taking up space. Always returning. Too wrong to be real. All of the times that I close my eyes. Oh, so tight... I try not to see. I don't want to see. All that is ugly. All that is me. Standing alone. On the edge of a precipice. Set me free.

I want so much to recover from my eating disorder, but I'm beginning to believe that I will never be able to. I'm at my target weight, and I hate it. It feels like too much. I know that it sounds bad, and I can only say it here, but I miss the emptiness. The feelings all feel like too much. Everything is just too much. At times, the fear and anger overwhelm me, and my nightmares have just been terrifying. I dream of the rape, and yes, now I can fight back. I know that is good, but the violence I have inside of me is shocking. The images are so frightening and it is hard to get through the day without having flashbacks of the rape. I wonder if I will ever be free.