Stronger Everyday

I had a really horrible night last evening with flashbacks and racing thoughts, and I have no idea what brought it all on. I went to yoga last night, came home, put on my p.j.'s, and settled in with my husband for some snuggles on the couch. Everything was fine, I dozed off, and then when I woke up, everything just felt wrong. I was disoriented, and when I tried to go back to sleep, I started having flashbacks. I did some breathing exercises, and that helped to get rid of the flashbacks, but I then moved into the racing thoughts about work, and every other worry that my mind could grab a hold of. I took my sleeping meds around 12:30, but today I'm so exhausted that I can barely think straight. Off and on I feel like crying, and I have therapy this evening. I have a feeling it is going to be a rough session because I'm so emotional today. Sometimes those are the best sessions though, because my therapist can help me to sort through everything that is going on in my head. I talked in my last post about crying after my yoga classes, and it is like a wave of sadness washes over me out of nowhere. I'm struck by how much it hurts, and yet I'm also surprised by the fact that I can withstand it. I always thought that maybe I couldn't handle it, but the realization that I actually can, and nothing bad is going to happen makes me feel a little bit stronger everyday.

Chaos

"You need chaos in the soul to give birth to a dancing star." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

I'm thinking that I have so much inner chaos that it isn't even funny! I should soon be dancing:)
I'm feeling some much needed strength and determination in the past few days. My therapist told me last week to just do one thing different in my life, and see how that can change things. I'm trying to slow down, and challenge the negative thoughts in my mind. The messages that I'm continually giving myself have never been positive ones. I beat myself up so much that I can't see any of my gifts clearly. We all have gifts, which I can recognize in others, so why not myself? I received a very nice compliment today, and the first thing that I thought was how can that person see what they see, when I cannot see it? My mom always tells me, "I wish you could see in yourself what I see." I wish that too. I have a negatively distorted sense of self, and I realize that this is one of the things that I really want to change. It is going to take a lot of retraining my brain, but I need to start caring for and about myself. Yes, part of that means nourishing my body, and realizing that it is alright to have needs, food being one of them. I'm willing, if anything, to allow myself to take up space in this world.

Looking For Strength Today

I'm not really sure why, but I feel very cranky and out of sorts today. It could have something to do with the fact that I was gouged by my husbands long toenails first thing this morning. It is not exactly the way I like to begin my day.(sorry honey...just being honest) I also feel very uncomfortable with my body, and one of my first thoughts besides OUCH!, was...I'm not eating today. I think what is hard for me is that I don't have many clothes to wear right now at this current weight, and I hate it. I really love clothes, and fashion. I used to look forward to getting dressed and putting an outfit together, but right now, I just dread it. I know that it sounds really superficial, but it does make me sad. Yesterday I felt so motivated to be healthy, and do everything the right way, but today, all that I feel is impatient. I'm not sure that I have the patience to lose this weight the correct way. I know that if I just severely restricted my food, it would go quickly, and I would be done with it. At least that is my current thinking at the moment. I suppose that I will be arguing with Claudia today, and I guess that is to be expected.
I know that I will have to fight harder, and be louder than usual today if I am to win.

Together We Are Strong

This photograph was taken by a beautiful and courageous woman that I met while I was in treatment for an eating disorder at Renfrew. She also ended up becoming my roommate, and a friend that I will always cherish. She took this picture during a phototherapy class we were taking. For me it symbolizes reaching out for help. I struggled for so long, believing that it was a weakness to ask for help, but it takes courage to admit you are flailing. Often times we feel alone with our pain and shame, thinking no one will understand what we are going through. When I arrived at Renfrew, and met so many women like me, looking into their eyes, sharing their tears; they gave me so much hope and courage. Together we gained strength, and I will never forget any of them.


Together We Are Strong

Arriving alone
shaken and scared
it didn't take long
for your hands
to be there
Reaching out
through the pain
Holding on
to all who came
And together
we were strong
Each voice shared
a different song
We grew in strength
in our own time
With helping hands
we could choose to fly
There are times
when I falter,
fearing that I may fall
I remember those hands
when I'm feeling small
And together
we are strong.

Angela Minard 2008