Here and Now

I'm angry because I am hungry~ Notice the similarities between those two words. All I can get down is hot chocolate and hot tea. I'm not thinking clearly. I don't have brain cells to really spare. I'm an idiot...How in the world did I get to this point? I will call a few treatment places tomorrow. I'm nervous about it. I know that my weight has nothing to do with how sick I am, but I feel as if I'm not thin enough to even consider in-patient. Too fat to worry about. How am I going to leave my family for a month or more. It sounds so selfish. What kind of mother leaves her kids. How will they understand this? God, this is hard. I do feel loved by so many people. That love is what drives me. I want to be able to deserve that love.

I'm gazing past the chain link fence, to my son, standing on the sidelines. I sit and watch while the other parents talk and cheer. The men shout phrases that their sons don't hear. "Loosen up out there! Stay low... Get on top of 'em!" I open my book and keep to myself, avoiding eye contact. Always waiting. A chance to compare. Who is taller, brighter, faster, smarter? Chitter chatter. Tedious and boring, so I pretend to read, all the while, my heart is gazing past the chain link fence, to my son, standing on the sidelines. Angela Minard 2007