Here and Now

Never and Always There is never enough time to tell you everything the questions always come too late and I am left waiting   for another chance "What do you want to ask me?" Searching your face disarmed by your gaze I look away The words seem to vanish without an answer only the beat of my heart thundering, yet insignificant a resounding ache... There is never enough time to shatter the silence and I am always left wanting and waiting for another chance Angela Minard 2015©

I wrote my first blog post June 13th, 2007. This blog was private, a personal diary, with only my words... This is what I wrote~  "I'm so very tired right now.  Tired of running.  Tired of hiding.  I simply want peace,  but how?  I want to take back something that I never realized until now,  has always been mine.  My body,  My soul,  My life..."  I'm not sure I even knew exactly what that meant, or the work it would entail. I only knew how desperately I wanted to be free from the eating disorder.   I went into treatment five months later.  "I'm in a scary place right now, and more afraid then I have ever been. I can't eat. I tried so hard last night-a few bites of fish... I cried over the first bite of a granola bar this morning, and after 5 hours, I give up.  I don't know how to ask for help. I don't want to put my husband in the position of monitoring my food. I can't ...

Ombre' within this throbbing drum beat rhythm of our hearts slow slowly slowing... as we barely breathe quiet darkness  gradually descends pulsing outward an imperceptible blanket softly falls late  afternoon shadows lengthen our hungry fingertips reach pulsing  towards the light cool air warm breath rises wide open arms embracing all that remains Angela Minard 2015©

I am the one the one  who is always listening but there is no one who hears while I fight to breathe  drowning  is a silent death Angela Minard 2015©

I retreat, and often it is unconscious, unintended, and yet my body speaks before I am even aware that I've had enough. I'm physically and emotionally depleted, and the emotions are not negative emotions, but draining, none the less. Dave had an MRI last week, and after dozens of these in the last few years, it should be easy, but it isn't.  No, it isn't... What is strange is that at the time, I seemed to not give it a second thought...just another day...La La La..., and then a week later, Dave texts me that he read the report, and from what he gathers, the brain tumor hasn't grown at all! My heart contracts in my chest, jumps into my throat, and skips a beat.  I text back, trying to be the devil's advocate, suggesting we should wait to hear it from the doctor's mouth before celebrating. I may have held my breath, but I didn't go to that appointment with him for the first time in a long time, because I wanted so much to believe. It was good ne...

Meditation still;  acutely aware of each and every whispering inhale and exhale almost as if I could completely cease the breath which flows in and out  beginning to drift... strange;  the way my hands rest in my lap palms upturned  as if waiting to be filled empty;  thoughts like white noise simply observing  still... aware... strange...  empty... and yet  flowing with breath life... waiting to be filled Angela Minard 2015© Artwork by~ Annie Stegg