Friday, October 23, 2015
I wrote my first blog post June 13th, 2007. This blog was private, a personal diary, with only my words...
This is what I wrote~
"I'm so very tired right now.
Tired of running.
Tired of hiding.
I simply want peace,
I want to take back something that I never realized until now,
has always been mine.
I'm not sure I even knew exactly what that meant, or the work it would entail. I only knew how desperately I wanted to be free from the eating disorder.
I went into treatment five months later.
"I'm in a scary place right now, and more afraid then I have ever been. I can't eat. I tried so hard last night-a few bites of fish...
I cried over the first bite of a granola bar this morning, and after 5 hours, I give up.
I don't know how to ask for help. I don't want to put my husband in the position of monitoring my food. I can't be accountable to myself at this point, and I know I need a safe place to work through the food issues, where I can't engage in harmful behaviors, and use starving to cope. I need to re-learn how to eat, but I know if I can't do that on my own, I will eventually die."
Maybe I should die...
I look back on that with no memory,
only that I was desperate.
I wanted to live.
I can see that from my words,
but I do not remember.
Maybe I do not want to remember....
but, I do...