Friday, October 23, 2015

How Long is Forever?

I wrote my first blog post June 13th, 2007. This blog was private, a personal diary, with only my words...
This is what I wrote~ 

"I'm so very tired right now. 
Tired of running. 
Tired of hiding. 
I simply want peace, 
but how? 
I want to take back something that I never realized until now, 
has always been mine. 
My body, 
My soul, 
My life..." 

I'm not sure I even knew exactly what that meant, or the work it would entail. I only knew how desperately I wanted to be free from the eating disorder.  

I went into treatment five months later. 

"I'm in a scary place right now, and more afraid then I have ever been. I can't eat. I tried so hard last night-a few bites of fish...
I cried over the first bite of a granola bar this morning, and after 5 hours, I give up. 
I don't know how to ask for help. I don't want to put my husband in the position of monitoring my food. I can't be accountable to myself at this point, and I know I need a safe place to work through the food issues, where I can't engage in harmful behaviors, and use starving to cope. I need to re-learn how to eat, but I know if I can't do that on my own, I will eventually die."

Maybe I should die...

I look back on that with no memory, 
only that I was desperate. 
I wanted to live. 
I can see that from my words,
 but I do not remember. 
Maybe I do not want to remember....

but, I do...