Taking A Break

It felt so good to sleep in this morning. I've had too many nights of insomnia lately, so I needed a few extra hours of rest. I'm off work until Monday, and I plan on taking an actual break from everything having to do with recovery. That doesn't mean that I plan on being destructive at all, it only means that I need a reprieve from focusing so much on what I need to be doing, or what I'm failing at doing. In therapy this week, we talked about my desire for perfection. I expect it from myself, but I also project that on to others, feeling as if everyone expects me to be perfect. My slips and slides on this recovery journey tend to trip me up. I feel like I shouldn't be making mistakes. I'm going to use these next few days to be thankful for where I am right now, and for all of the blessings that I have. Today I'm going to bake pumpkin bread and apple crisp to take over to the big feast tomorrow. I'm looking forward to spending the day with family, and especially my nieces. I'm going to teach my niece, Riley, how to knit. I bought her some child size knitting needles, and some fun yarn to get her started. I'm going to focus on family, and not on the overwhelming amount of food. I'm going to eat what I can, not worrying about what other people think of my portions, or how much or little I eat. I'm going to do whatever makes me feel the most safe and comfortable at the time. If I can't eat much, that will be okay. I've been thinking about the fact that I usually tend to drink too much on holiday's. I know that I do it to relax and calm myself when I'm anxious, especially when I'm worried about the amount of food I may be expected to consume. This year is going to be different, and I'm taking the pressure off of myself. I'm not going to be drinking, and that will be good, but it will also be hard. Pressuring myself to eat at the same time would be too much, so I'm not going to do that to myself.

Well, that is all for now. Hopefully I will have some pictures to post from our celebration in the next few days. Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! Much love to you all.

Peaceful And Rested

The last thing that I remember from last night was sitting in our big leather chair reading a magazine, and drinking hot cocoa. This morning I woke up in my bed at 7:30, rested, and though still emotional, ready to face my demons, and deal with them. I cannot believe how often I just burst into tears, but fighting them is harder than just letting them flow, so just screw makeup and mascara for awhile.

Last night I was talking to my friend Jackie, and she said something about trying to go to Renfrew without the mask that I wear. That just really struck me, because I do hide sometimes behind all of my clothes and makeup. The attempts at perfection are part of this disorder, and I never really realized that before. I'm not going to go cold turkey, but I'm going to use a very light hand today, and see how it goes.

I'm going to try and pack as light as possible. There is so much that is hard. I thought to myself, "do I pack my "fat" clothes?" How much weight will I gain, and how am I going to be okay with that? Yes, I realize that I'm underweight at this point, but it has been worse, and I hope that I can say when I've reached my own maximum comfortable weight.

Anyway... I'm taking lots of pictures, notebooks, scrapbook supplies, gel pens, stickers, my beads so that I can make jewelry, and at least 2 journals, because I'm sure that I will be writing like a mad woman! I'm also taking my mini lava lamp! I never lived in the dorms in college or anything, so I'm sort of looking forward to having a roomate, and hopefully bonding with a group of women, as strange as that may sound. I have an open mind. I'm ready and willing to do the work and turn my life around in the direction that it was meant to be. I'm allowed to bring my computer which is so great! I won't have it all of the time, but once you move up to a certain level, they will allow you to use it at designated times. I will be able to let everyone know how I'm doing. I'm going to work on the manuscript for my poetry book. I'm sure that I will have many new poems to add while I'm there!

Last night I seriously thought about suicide. Just ending all of the pain. I had the pills in my hand, and then my oldest son came down from his room, and said "I love you mommy." He still calls me mommy! Today is his seventeenth birthday. What an awful birthday he would have had if I had taken those pills. Today, I'm so glad that I didn't.

Perfect

If I just didn't care what I looked like,
would I even have an eating disorder?
Probably not.
I have always been so concerned
with the perception that others have of me.
Always too concerned about what other people think.
Why do I care?
I think it is somewhat handed down from my parents.
They were both always so concerned about appearance and manners.
When they would take my brother and I out anywhere,
we had to be be well behaved and polite.
It mattered to them what other people thought,
so I always tried so hard to be perfect for them.
No one ever told me that there was no such thing as perfect.