Friday, November 16, 2007

Peaceful And Rested

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The last thing that I remember from last night was sitting in our big leather chair reading a magazine, and drinking hot cocoa. This morning I woke up in my bed at 7:30, rested, and though still emotional, ready to face my demons, and deal with them. I cannot believe how often I just burst into tears, but fighting them is harder than just letting them flow, so just screw makeup and mascara for awhile.

Last night I was talking to my friend Jackie, and she said something about trying to go to Renfrew without the mask that I wear. That just really struck me, because I do hide sometimes behind all of my clothes and makeup. The attempts at perfection are part of this disorder, and I never really realized that before. I'm not going to go cold turkey, but I'm going to use a very light hand today, and see how it goes.

I'm going to try and pack as light as possible. There is so much that is hard. I thought to myself, "do I pack my "fat" clothes?" How much weight will I gain, and how am I going to be okay with that? Yes, I realize that I'm underweight at this point, but it has been worse, and I hope that I can say when I've reached my own maximum comfortable weight.

Anyway... I'm taking lots of pictures, notebooks, scrapbook supplies, gel pens, stickers, my beads so that I can make jewelry, and at least 2 journals, because I'm sure that I will be writing like a mad woman! I'm also taking my mini lava lamp! I never lived in the dorms in college or anything, so I'm sort of looking forward to having a roomate, and hopefully bonding with a group of women, as strange as that may sound. I have an open mind. I'm ready and willing to do the work and turn my life around in the direction that it was meant to be. I'm allowed to bring my computer which is so great! I won't have it all of the time, but once you move up to a certain level, they will allow you to use it at designated times. I will be able to let everyone know how I'm doing. I'm going to work on the manuscript for my poetry book. I'm sure that I will have many new poems to add while I'm there!

Last night I seriously thought about suicide. Just ending all of the pain. I had the pills in my hand, and then my oldest son came down from his room, and said "I love you mommy." He still calls me mommy! Today is his seventeenth birthday. What an awful birthday he would have had if I had taken those pills. Today, I'm so glad that I didn't.


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