Here and Now

I've had all of my therapy sessions, and I'm mentally exhausted. I woke up early this morning and went for an hour long walk, and the whole time, my mind was just spinning. I came home and slept for five hours! I feel so lost, but everyone keeps reassuring me that I don't have to have it all figured out. That is good to know, because I definitely don't have anything even close to figured out. I feel like no one understands, and that is so frustrating. No one seems to get that I can't eat because I'm not happy with my weight. It always has to be something deeper than that, and that I'm using the obsession with weight to avoid feeling. I do honestly believe that I will feel happier when I'm thinner. My therapist wants to know what evidence I have of that, and I don't have a shred of evidence to back up that theory, I just KNOW. Is everyone who goes on a diet simply trying to avoid their feelings? I don't think so..., but maybe I'm just being st...

I have therapy in an hour, and I really don't want to go. I also have a couples session tomorrow with my husband, and I'm definitely not up for that. I feel like I don't have anything to say anymore. I know what I should be doing, and I'm not doing it right now. I know that I need help, but I'm not necessarily wanting it. I'm determined to lose this weight, and if I have to be unhealthy to do it, than so be it. I'm frustrated with following my meal plan and doing all of the right things, because all that is doing is maintaining the weight I'm at right now, and that is not a weight that I can happily live with. I know that this focus and obsession with my weight is wrong, but I'm giving up. When I eat healthy, I still obsess over it, so what is the difference? I'm in a hopeless place right now, and I'm also in a place where I don't believe in recovery. I may be weight restored, but my mind is still not in a healthy place. I guess that is w...

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." ~Kahlil Gibran~ How many blog posts have I started with these two words...I'm struggling. I have now spent over a full week purging food, avoiding food, and most of all using these behaviors to avoid my feelings, whatever those may be. You see, I have no idea what feelings I'm trying to avoid. For whatever reason, I'm afraid to get too close to those feelings, and the eating disorder is my old stand by. I'm afraid that I'm always going to live this way, but I'm even more afraid to live without it, and so I keep on returning. I tell myself that it is about my weight and how unhappy I am with the numbers on the scale, and I believe this is true. I can't seem to grasp the whole idea that my weight does not make up my worth. I don't at all think this about other people. It only pertains to who I think I am, and I know that doesn't make any sense. Nothing about how I think make...

Going Under~ Evanescence Now I will tell you what I've done for you 50 thousand tears I've cried Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you And you still won't hear me Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself Maybe I'll wake up for once Not tormented...Daily defeated by you Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom I'm dying again... (Chorus) I'm going under Drowning in you I'm falling forever I've got to break through I'm going under Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies So I don't know what's real and what's not Always confusing the thoughts in my head So I can't trust myself anymore I'm dying again (Chorus) So go on and scream Scream at me I'm so far away I won't be broken again I've got to breathe I can't keep going under (Chorus)

I'm tired of the tug and pull. The not so subtle lure of the eating disorder. It's like walking a tightrope, and I feel as if I'm about to fall off. The tricks my mind plays on me are wearing me out, and sometimes all that I want is out. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I already tried that, and all that it brought was more pain. I don't want to be here in this mental state of ambivalence towards being healthy. Why on earth would I want to be sick? Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness, and I can see why. My mind is not working in a rational way, and I'm way off base in my thinking, and intellectually, I know this, but I have this obsessive compulsion to focus on my weight and appearance. I feel like such a selfish and narcissistic person, and my self loathing is at an all time high. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm slipping, and it is so frustrating. I have moments of peace and happiness, but can't figure out how to hang ...

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate , which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit. I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her...

Certain The moon follows you at night when you are a child Oh yes, it does of that I'm certain And the stuffed animals with their neon colored synthetic fur they talk to each other when you close the bedroom door Oh yes, they do of that I'm certain And you can hear the angels whisper and the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers twirling in the wind The fairies hide beneath the willows And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed you won't go to hell And with the moon behind you are always safe when you are a child Oh yes, you are of that I'm certain Angela Minard2009©

I'm so excited! The book that two of my poems are being published in is finally out, and I just received my copy in the mail. It is called You Are Not Alone . The Book Of Companionship For Women With Eating Disorders. It is a collection of personal recovery stories. I also just bought a copy of Writer's Market , which is a book on where and how to sell what you write. I'm really going to start focusing on getting more of my poetry, and hopefully a book of my poetry published. I'm not sure where to start, so that is why I bought the book to help me along. It has an extensive list of agents and publishers, so I'm going to start sending my work in, and see what happens. Wish me luck:-)

Cold coffee at 1:00 p.m and doing much of nothing on these summer days. I'm enjoying my vacation in a lazy, melancholy sort of way. I'm very aware of the time passing like grains of sand slipping through my fingers, and vaguely guilty that I'm not being more productive. I sleep and dream, savoring each dream that isn't a nightmare, and that is most often the case. I slumber in peace, dozing easily, and sometimes in a meditative state. I feel as if I'm recharging my spirit, coming to terms with the past, and grieving over my loss in a lonely and quiet way. Maybe that is the melancholy feeling that is coming through. Only I can grieve this loss. It is a pain all my own, and although others can empathize, they cannot share it. I suppose that is how all grief is though. It is a lonely feeling.

Noni You would sit in the dirty old La-Z-Boy with the towel covering the seat cigarette propped between index and middle soft cheeks sinking on the inhale wheezing on the exhale Pantyhose always rolled beneath dimpled knees in the limp flowered house dress that old ladies used to wear Watching General Hospital everyday at 2:00 The amber pill bottles for this ache or another always within shaking arms reach You never knew that your son would steal them from you in your drug induced haze Sometimes you would laugh not often enough with the shades pulled down and a No Soliciting sign on the door Angela Minard2009©

Girl On A Bike I watched a girl on her bike perhaps ten or eleven and then she stopped, smiled, and waved at me Just like that no hesitation so simple and uncomplicated The tears came coursing unaware I could have never been like that then I was like a starling fleeing for my life A fleeting glance made my heart take flight Fear in the flutter Grief is like that It comes from a girl on her bike Angela Minard 2009©

Sometimes I get so tired of the voices in my head. That sounds crazy doesn't it? The voices...but they do drive me crazy. The eating disorder, the negative self talk, the reframing of the negative self talk...it just goes on and on! I've been learning to meditate, and when that works, it helps a great deal. Yesterday I needed so much to get out of my own head, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I try to visualize a safe, beautiful place in my mind where I can go, and for the first time in days, the chatter stopped, and I could simply be. It was nice, so I need to try to do more of those types of exercises. We did a lot of visualization exercises when I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and it really does work if you can let go, which is easier said than done. I really need to find a yoga class. I was going to try the kick boxing, but I think yoga would help me to feel more connected to my body. I feel so uncomfortable with my body though, that even going to ...

Yesterday I did it. I actually sat by the pool in my swim suit without the cover up! It was a huge deal for me, but I have really decided that I'm not going to let the eating disorder stop me from living my life. I'm proud of myself, but I'm struggling today with negative thoughts about my body, and feeling down in general. I talked with a friend about it and told her that I was having a hard time today and she said, "Ed is just trying to get back at you today but don't let him win. Keep fighting!" She is right, that is exactly what it is. The eating disorder is always the loudest when I'm winning. It hates that, and I need to remember that it is going to try with all of its might to hang on and keep me sick. It is hard when that voice in my head tells me how worthless and horrible I am. I've been fighting all day not to listen, and I'm doing what I can to take care of myself, but I have found myself in tears a few times. I called my mom and talked...

I'm sitting here right now in a new bathing suit that I just bought this afternoon. We are going to a pool party later on, and I thought that it was about time that I try to get through the fear of trying on bathing suits. I actually just saw one on the rack, brought it home, and thank God, it fit! I also bought a cover up just in case I'm not brave enough to show the suit. I'm just going to take it slow because I'm definitely not comfortable with my body. I do feel comfortable with the people that I'm going to be around though, and that really helps. When I look back to January and think about the total breakdown that I had over my weight gain, it feels good to see how far that I've already come. Slowly, I'm breaking down the walls that have held me back for so long, and I'm beginning to realize that I'm making my way through this. More than any other time, I feel determined to recover.

The Wish The sun feels warm behind my back and the wind gently lifts my hair like a kiss blown softly on my neck. I'm wishing for you as I smell the wild tobacco and the damp earth of dawn that rises into the mist of morning. Hoping for days upon days linked together until the past is only a laugh and a smile shared between lovers united like sturdy vines forever entwined. Yes, I'm wishing for you... Angela Minard 2009©

It's almost time for my therapy session, and I'm ambivalent about going. I'm doing great in so many ways, but still there are the triggers. Triggers having to do with the rape, and eating disorder triggers are combined with that. I had problems with my asthma this weekend, and that always brings up memories of the rape and feeling suffocated. After my rape, I had a few weeks where I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks, and that is what my previous post and poem was about. This weekend, it really brought those memories to the surface for me, and it took all that I had to stay in the here and now. I had a lot of help from my husband who did a great job of calming and relaxing me. It seems that I always struggle for a few days after a dissociative episode. I feel as if I'm almost unable to connect to this world, and it takes everything I have to stay grounded in reality. I know that I will have to talk about this in therapy today, and delving into the past brings...