Around And Around

I've had all of my therapy sessions, and I'm mentally exhausted. I woke up early this morning and went for an hour long walk, and the whole time, my mind was just spinning. I came home and slept for five hours! I feel so lost, but everyone keeps reassuring me that I don't have to have it all figured out. That is good to know, because I definitely don't have anything even close to figured out. I feel like no one understands, and that is so frustrating. No one seems to get that I can't eat because I'm not happy with my weight. It always has to be something deeper than that, and that I'm using the obsession with weight to avoid feeling. I do honestly believe that I will feel happier when I'm thinner. My therapist wants to know what evidence I have of that, and I don't have a shred of evidence to back up that theory, I just KNOW. Is everyone who goes on a diet simply trying to avoid their feelings? I don't think so..., but maybe I'm just being stubborn. My thinking seems so distorted and irrational to everyone but me, and seeing my therapist and nutritionist seems pointless right now. I mentioned that to my therapist, and she said that the eating disorder is hanging on for dear life, and that this was when I really need my treatment team the most. I'm tired of needing help though.

I just want to be done.

I Don't Believe

I have therapy in an hour, and I really don't want to go. I also have a couples session tomorrow with my husband, and I'm definitely not up for that. I feel like I don't have anything to say anymore. I know what I should be doing, and I'm not doing it right now. I know that I need help, but I'm not necessarily wanting it. I'm determined to lose this weight, and if I have to be unhealthy to do it, than so be it. I'm frustrated with following my meal plan and doing all of the right things, because all that is doing is maintaining the weight I'm at right now, and that is not a weight that I can happily live with. I know that this focus and obsession with my weight is wrong, but I'm giving up. When I eat healthy, I still obsess over it, so what is the difference? I'm in a hopeless place right now, and I'm also in a place where I don't believe in recovery. I may be weight restored, but my mind is still not in a healthy place. I guess that is what I plan on discussing in therapy. I feel so disappointed in myself, and also sad, but that is where I'm at right now.

Doubting Myself

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."

~Kahlil Gibran~

How many blog posts have I started with these two words...I'm struggling. I have now spent over a full week purging food, avoiding food, and most of all using these behaviors to avoid my feelings, whatever those may be. You see, I have no idea what feelings I'm trying to avoid. For whatever reason, I'm afraid to get too close to those feelings, and the eating disorder is my old stand by. I'm afraid that I'm always going to live this way, but I'm even more afraid to live without it, and so I keep on returning. I tell myself that it is about my weight and how unhappy I am with the numbers on the scale, and I believe this is true. I can't seem to grasp the whole idea that my weight does not make up my worth. I don't at all think this about other people. It only pertains to who I think I am, and I know that doesn't make any sense. Nothing about how I think makes any sense. I feel like I'm going around and around in circles in my mind, especially when I see my therapist, and try to rationalize these thoughts. Sometimes I walk out of there, and I just feel more confused, and angry with myself. She must be getting so frustrated with me at this point. I feel like I wear a mask, especially around the people that I'm closest to, and I live my life smiling, hiding, and lying to those that I love. I know that I need to be more patient with myself, but it is so hard when I keep slipping back down. I wish that I had more faith in myself and the recovery process right now.

~Music Monday~ Going Under

Going Under~ Evanescence

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again...

(Chorus)
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

(Chorus)

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under

(Chorus)

Tightrope

I'm tired of the tug and pull. The not so subtle lure of the eating disorder. It's like walking a tightrope, and I feel as if I'm about to fall off. The tricks my mind plays on me are wearing me out, and sometimes all that I want is out. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I already tried that, and all that it brought was more pain. I don't want to be here in this mental state of ambivalence towards being healthy. Why on earth would I want to be sick? Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness, and I can see why. My mind is not working in a rational way, and I'm way off base in my thinking, and intellectually, I know this, but I have this obsessive compulsion to focus on my weight and appearance. I feel like such a selfish and narcissistic person, and my self loathing is at an all time high. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm slipping, and it is so frustrating. I have moments of peace and happiness, but can't figure out how to hang on to what is truly important. Choosing between sickness or health sounds so simple and I feel like an idiot, and such a broken record. I bore myself with all of this, and I'm sure that it makes for dull reading at this point. "When will this woman get it together", you say! I'm right there with you, wondering the same damn thing, and yet, I do have hope. I'm hanging onto it for dear life.

Secrets, Guilt, And Shame

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate, which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit.

I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her how guilty I feel after I eat, and she asked me if there was anything else that made me feel guilty this week, and yes, there was. A friend of mine that I had been in treatment with called, and she wanted to get together for coffee. She called out of the blue, and it took me off guard. She sounded like she really needed to talk, and could use a friend. I wanted to be there for her, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough in my own recovery to help her right now. The last time we saw each other, we were both very sick, and I know that we would compare ourselves physically to how we were then, or at least, I know I would. I'm not ready to put myself through that. I wish that I didn't feel embarrassed over my weight gain, but honestly I do, so there is more shame. I told her that I would call her, but I know I can't, and that makes me feel guilty for not helping someone who is reaching out. I went and purged right after I got off of the phone with her. Talking with her touched a nerve, and I have felt emotional every time I think about it. My nutritionist praised me, calling it "setting boundaries", and "self preservation", but to me, it has just felt weak and cowardly, and I dont feel very good about it. I'm trying to take care of my own needs, but then it feels selfish. I hope that somewhere within myself, I can find a peaceful balance between my own needs, and the needs of others.

"While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."~ Merle A. Fossum & Marilyn J. Mason, authors of Facing Shame: Families in Recovery. New York: W.W. Norton & Co. John C. Friel & Linda Friel (1988).

Certain

Certain

The moon follows you at night
when you are a child
Oh yes, it does
of that I'm certain

And the stuffed animals
with their neon colored synthetic fur
they talk to each other
when you close the bedroom door
Oh yes, they do
of that I'm certain

And you can hear the angels whisper
and the jingle of sleigh bells
on Christmas Eve
And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers

twirling in the wind
The fairies hide beneath the willows
And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed
you won't go to hell

And with the moon behind
you are always safe
when you are a child
Oh yes, you are
of that I'm certain

Angela Minard2009©

I'm Published!

I'm so excited! The book that two of my poems are being published in is finally out, and I just received my copy in the mail. It is called You Are Not Alone. The Book Of Companionship For Women With Eating Disorders. It is a collection of personal recovery stories. I also just bought a copy of Writer's Market, which is a book on where and how to sell what you write. I'm really going to start focusing on getting more of my poetry, and hopefully a book of my poetry published. I'm not sure where to start, so that is why I bought the book to help me along. It has an extensive list of agents and publishers, so I'm going to start sending my work in, and see what happens.

Wish me luck:-)

Sweet Dreams

Cold coffee at 1:00 p.m and doing much of nothing on these summer days. I'm enjoying my vacation in a lazy, melancholy sort of way. I'm very aware of the time passing like grains of sand slipping through my fingers, and vaguely guilty that I'm not being more productive. I sleep and dream, savoring each dream that isn't a nightmare, and that is most often the case. I slumber in peace, dozing easily, and sometimes in a meditative state. I feel as if I'm recharging my spirit, coming to terms with the past, and grieving over my loss in a lonely and quiet way. Maybe that is the melancholy feeling that is coming through. Only I can grieve this loss. It is a pain all my own, and although others can empathize, they cannot share it. I suppose that is how all grief is though. It is a lonely feeling.

Noni

Noni

You would sit
in the dirty old La-Z-Boy
with the towel covering the seat
cigarette propped
between index and middle
soft cheeks sinking on the inhale
wheezing on the exhale
Pantyhose always rolled
beneath dimpled knees
in the limp flowered house dress
that old ladies used to wear
Watching General Hospital
everyday at 2:00
The amber pill bottles
for this ache or another
always within shaking arms reach
You never knew that your son
would steal them from you
in your drug induced haze
Sometimes you would laugh
not often enough
with the shades pulled down
and a No Soliciting sign on the door

Angela Minard2009©

Girl On A Bike

Girl On A Bike

I watched a girl on her bike
perhaps ten or eleven
and then she stopped,
smiled, and waved at me
Just like that
no hesitation
so simple
and uncomplicated
The tears
came coursing
unaware

I could have never
been like that then
I was like a starling
fleeing for my life
A fleeting glance
made my heart take flight
Fear in the flutter
Grief is like that
It comes from a girl on her bike

Angela Minard 2009©

One More Hurdle

Sometimes I get so tired of the voices in my head. That sounds crazy doesn't it? The voices...but they do drive me crazy. The eating disorder, the negative self talk, the reframing of the negative self talk...it just goes on and on! I've been learning to meditate, and when that works, it helps a great deal. Yesterday I needed so much to get out of my own head, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I try to visualize a safe, beautiful place in my mind where I can go, and for the first time in days, the chatter stopped, and I could simply be. It was nice, so I need to try to do more of those types of exercises. We did a lot of visualization exercises when I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and it really does work if you can let go, which is easier said than done. I really need to find a yoga class. I was going to try the kick boxing, but I think yoga would help me to feel more connected to my body. I feel so uncomfortable with my body though, that even going to a class intimidates me. I'm trying to get past those issues, but it is hard. I guess if I can get into a swim suit in front of other people, then I could do yoga in front of other people. I need to keep jumping over those hurdles.

Eating has been hard for me since going to the pool in my swim suit. I'm not sure why. There are just a lot of negative voices in my head. I've skipped some meals, but nothing too horrible. I'm trying to get back on track. I feel fat, which my therapist says is misplaced anger. I find it difficult to see that because I don't feel particularly angry. I guess that the anger I have is easier to direct towards myself, and when I feel fat, the only way that I know how to cope is to restrict the amount of food that I eat. So anyway...that is where I am at that moment. Struggling, but still putting one foot in front of the other.

Days Like These

Yesterday I did it. I actually sat by the pool in my swim suit without the cover up! It was a huge deal for me, but I have really decided that I'm not going to let the eating disorder stop me from living my life. I'm proud of myself, but I'm struggling today with negative thoughts about my body, and feeling down in general. I talked with a friend about it and told her that I was having a hard time today and she said, "Ed is just trying to get back at you today but don't let him win. Keep fighting!" She is right, that is exactly what it is. The eating disorder is always the loudest when I'm winning. It hates that, and I need to remember that it is going to try with all of its might to hang on and keep me sick. It is hard when that voice in my head tells me how worthless and horrible I am. I've been fighting all day not to listen, and I'm doing what I can to take care of myself, but I have found myself in tears a few times. I called my mom and talked to her, and that helped some. My kids have also kept me somewhat distracted. The house is filled with their friends and their laughter, and they also have me running them here and there, so for that, today I am grateful. They always remind me that I have so much to live for. I need that reminder on days like these.

Going To The Pool

I'm sitting here right now in a new bathing suit that I just bought this afternoon. We are going to a pool party later on, and I thought that it was about time that I try to get through the fear of trying on bathing suits. I actually just saw one on the rack, brought it home, and thank God, it fit! I also bought a cover up just in case I'm not brave enough to show the suit. I'm just going to take it slow because I'm definitely not comfortable with my body. I do feel comfortable with the people that I'm going to be around though, and that really helps. When I look back to January and think about the total breakdown that I had over my weight gain, it feels good to see how far that I've already come. Slowly, I'm breaking down the walls that have held me back for so long, and I'm beginning to realize that I'm making my way through this. More than any other time, I feel determined to recover.

The Wish

The Wish

The sun feels warm behind my back
and the wind gently lifts my hair
like a kiss blown softly on my neck.
I'm wishing for you as I smell the wild tobacco
and the damp earth of dawn that rises into
the mist of morning.
Hoping for days upon days linked together
until the past is only a laugh and a smile
shared between lovers united
like sturdy vines forever entwined.
Yes, I'm wishing for you...

Angela Minard 2009©

Just Breathe

It's almost time for my therapy session, and I'm ambivalent about going. I'm doing great in so many ways, but still there are the triggers. Triggers having to do with the rape, and eating disorder triggers are combined with that. I had problems with my asthma this weekend, and that always brings up memories of the rape and feeling suffocated. After my rape, I had a few weeks where I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks, and that is what my previous post and poem was about. This weekend, it really brought those memories to the surface for me, and it took all that I had to stay in the here and now. I had a lot of help from my husband who did a great job of calming and relaxing me. It seems that I always struggle for a few days after a dissociative episode. I feel as if I'm almost unable to connect to this world, and it takes everything I have to stay grounded in reality. I know that I will have to talk about this in therapy today, and delving into the past brings anxiety and relief all at the same time. I'm craving a drink or something to numb these emotions, but I know that will just postpone the inevitable pain, so I'm doing all that I can to distract myself in the way of errands and writing. It is helping, and for that, I am grateful. I'm also grateful for the safety of my life as it is right now. I have so much to be thankful for!
In other news, this weekend my oldest son put diesal gas in my car. Wrong in so many ways! He called us at 12:30 a.m. to pick him up from the side of the road after he called a tow truck to tow my car to the dealership. All that I can say is that he is eighteen, and if that is the most trouble that he can get into on a Saturday night, than once again, I am grateful! On that note, I will head to therapy:)