Here and Now

Meditation still;  acutely aware of each and every whispering inhale and exhale almost as if I could completely cease the breath which flows in and out  beginning to drift... strange;  the way my hands rest in my lap palms upturned  as if waiting to be filled empty;  thoughts like white noise simply observing  still... aware... strange...  empty... and yet  flowing with breath life... waiting to be filled Angela Minard 2015© Artwork by~ Annie Stegg

Sometimes I get so tired of the voices in my head. That sounds crazy doesn't it? The voices...but they do drive me crazy. The eating disorder, the negative self talk, the reframing of the negative self talk...it just goes on and on! I've been learning to meditate, and when that works, it helps a great deal. Yesterday I needed so much to get out of my own head, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I try to visualize a safe, beautiful place in my mind where I can go, and for the first time in days, the chatter stopped, and I could simply be. It was nice, so I need to try to do more of those types of exercises. We did a lot of visualization exercises when I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and it really does work if you can let go, which is easier said than done. I really need to find a yoga class. I was going to try the kick boxing, but I think yoga would help me to feel more connected to my body. I feel so uncomfortable with my body though, that even going to ...

I think that I have talked here a few times about how each morning I wake up with a sense of fear and dread, and it makes it so hard for me to want to get up and face the day. Well, this morning, the same thing happened, but instead of laying in bed with feelings of dread, I decided to take a few deep, cleansing breaths and focus my mind on everything that I am grateful for in my life, and also the things that bring me joy. It only took about five minutes, and then after that I really did feel less afraid of going out into the world. I'm going to try to make a habit of starting out my mornings with an informal meditation of sorts. I think it really helped me to have a better day and see things in a more positive light. I'm not even really sure why I wake up so afraid every day. I love my job and the children that I work with, so it certainly isn't that. I do think that the nightmares and flashbacks I have make me somewhat hyper-vigilant, as if I'm going to be attacked a...