One More Hurdle

Sometimes I get so tired of the voices in my head. That sounds crazy doesn't it? The voices...but they do drive me crazy. The eating disorder, the negative self talk, the reframing of the negative self talk...it just goes on and on! I've been learning to meditate, and when that works, it helps a great deal. Yesterday I needed so much to get out of my own head, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I try to visualize a safe, beautiful place in my mind where I can go, and for the first time in days, the chatter stopped, and I could simply be. It was nice, so I need to try to do more of those types of exercises. We did a lot of visualization exercises when I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and it really does work if you can let go, which is easier said than done. I really need to find a yoga class. I was going to try the kick boxing, but I think yoga would help me to feel more connected to my body. I feel so uncomfortable with my body though, that even going to a class intimidates me. I'm trying to get past those issues, but it is hard. I guess if I can get into a swim suit in front of other people, then I could do yoga in front of other people. I need to keep jumping over those hurdles.

Eating has been hard for me since going to the pool in my swim suit. I'm not sure why. There are just a lot of negative voices in my head. I've skipped some meals, but nothing too horrible. I'm trying to get back on track. I feel fat, which my therapist says is misplaced anger. I find it difficult to see that because I don't feel particularly angry. I guess that the anger I have is easier to direct towards myself, and when I feel fat, the only way that I know how to cope is to restrict the amount of food that I eat. So anyway...that is where I am at that moment. Struggling, but still putting one foot in front of the other.