Here and Now

I had such an amazing yoga practice this afternoon, where the entire practice felt like a moving meditation, and I'm still flooded with a sense of peace and contentment. I don't have any pain in my hip right now, and I'm so grateful to be able to practice again. Not only was I missing the yoga itself, but I was also missing all of the friends I have made. I'm not going to allow what is going on in my body to steal my dreams. If I have to have surgery this year it may delay the teachers training, and my practice will be different, but where I am now, and what I'm going through is meant to teach me something if I can stop resisting and be open to whatever comes my way. Today I practiced beside a new friend, and her energy was very soothing and calm. After class we were talking, and she told me she is a massage therapist. I have been wanting to get a massage but I knew that I would have to feel a certain level of comfort and trust with someone, and I knew it wou...

Today I had a second steroid injection into my left hip, and right now it is still very painful. If I'm remembering correctly, besides being tender from the injection, I was feeling some relief, so I'm a little worried. I'm seeing another orthopedic surgeon next week for a second opinion and to see about what options are available other than a total hip replacement. I'm trying to be positive, but it is frustrating to be in so much pain just trying to perform everyday activities, let alone not being able to keep up with my yoga practice. The doctor I will be seeing specializes in hip arthroscopy and sports medicine, so hopefully after he looks at my MRI, he can help me to decide what the best option would be for my lifestyle. It is hard on my eating disorder not being able to exercise, and although it is affecting how I feel about my body, I'm trying not to let it affect my food intake. I keep reminding myself that I don't need to punish my body anymore th...

  "Sometimes she seemed like a woman without skin. She felt everything so intensely, had so little capacity to filter out pain that everyday events often seemed unbearable to her. Paradoxically it is also that skinlessness which makes a poet. One must have the gift of language, of course, but even a great gift is useless without the other curse: the eyes that see so sharply they often want to close. Her eyes were astoundingly blue and astoundingly sharp. Nothing escaped her. She saw everything, and since most of what there is to see in the world is painful, she often lived in pain."   ~Erica Jong   I don't believe that most of what there is to see in the world is painful, but I do believe that often times we rub salt into our wounds, or at least I find myself doing that by allowing my mind to travel back to what hurts. I examine it all in such great detail, torturing myself in the process. I want to stop. I need to stop. "Don't worry... Yo...

We have all heard the expression "You get what you deserve," right? Well, I've been thinking a lot about that expression lately. We talk about Karma, or "What goes around comes around." We attempt to make ourselves feel better when someone wrongs us, by telling ourselves that in the end, they will get what is coming to them, but these are cliché's, not some inherent law of the universe. I also hear people say, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The truer cliché is that "Life is not fair." I'm realizing that when bad or painful things happen in my life, I blame myself. I think that they have happened because I deserved it, or have brought it on myself. I was raped because I was too friendly, I smiled, I wore makeup... Convincing me that it was never my fault has been quite the challenge for my therapist. My adult mind gets that logic, but the wounded eleven year old little girl that resides inside of me can't se...