We have all heard the expression "You get what you deserve," right? Well, I've been thinking a lot about that expression lately. We talk about Karma, or "What goes around comes around." We attempt to make ourselves feel better when someone wrongs us, by telling ourselves that in the end, they will get what is coming to them, but these are cliché's, not some inherent law of the universe. I also hear people say, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The truer cliché is that "Life is not fair."
I'm realizing that when bad or painful things happen in my life, I blame myself. I think that they have happened because I deserved it, or have brought it on myself. I was raped because I was too friendly, I smiled, I wore makeup...
Convincing me that it was never my fault has been quite the challenge for my therapist. My adult mind gets that logic, but the wounded eleven year old little girl that resides inside of me can't seem to hold onto those words. I've been working so hard, but when I encounter hurdles, I find that so much of my pain comes not from the actual struggle, but in the feeling that I somehow deserve the pain. The anorexia stems from the fact that somewhere along the line, I decided that I should punish myself for what a horrible person I am. I feel guilty for any happiness that crosses my path.
The cortisone injection that I had in my hip has worn off, and I'm in constant pain. I find myself in tears, but it isn't the physical pain that causes me to cry. It is the belief that I deserve this pain that hurts me so much. I think that I try to be a good person, but it is not enough. I found yoga, and a wonderful support system within the yoga community. I was learning how to appreciate my body after so many years of hate, but because of the ways I've mistreated my body, I suffer, and therefore I deserve what is happening.
This summer I was going to work summer school with my kiddos with autism so that I could afford to take the yoga teachers training at the beginning of next year. My dream is to eventually teach yoga to people dealing with trauma, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders. Now all of that will have to be put on hold. I've made the decision to have a total hip replacement this summer. I'm afraid. I question, and I struggle with so many old beliefs that are not serving me well. I know that I need to convince that little girl to believe that it is okay to be happy. I hate and blame her so much, that I cannot allow her to find peace.
Let go of those clichés and rules in your mind that allow you to believe you are undeserving. If you will try, so will I, because if I believe that "I get what I deserve," I might as well give up. Life is not fair, but if we give without expectation, I do still believe that life will give back.