Here and Now

Everyone keeps trying to tell me to remember that the full I feel is not a physical full but an emotional full, and that I use the eating disorder as a coping tool to avoid feeling. This is very frustrating to me right now, because all that I feel that I'm coping with is my fear of being overweight. Why does it always have to be about something else? It does feel like it is all about the food and the weight. I'm not sure how to get past that, and I just feel so stubborn and childish about it right now. I cancelled my nutritionist appointment for Wednesday, and I know that it was the wrong thing to do, but it's like I couldn't help myself. I see my therapist on Monday, but I'm going to cancel that too. I just can't sit and listen to them all say the same things over and over again. I'm losing faith that what they say is the truth, and I'm also losing faith in myself. Maybe all that I am is a shallow woman who only cares about her appearance.

Upset, angry, disgusted, irrational, and stubborn are a handful of the adjectives I could use to describe how I am feeling at the moment. I cannot gain anymore weight and I'm done with this meal plan that I'm on. It is obvious to me that I'm unable to eat like a normal person. I'm on the treadmill everyday, and still, I continue to gain. I'm mad at myself and everyone, and cannot even talk to anyone on my team about this right now, because I don't want to listen to what they have to say. It is my choice, and I can't do this anymore. I'm choosing to restrict until some of this weight that I've gained comes off. The self loathing, frustration, and anger that I have is so overwhelming, and all-consuming. There seems to be no escape for me. So much for befriending the fear.