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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Shallow



Everyone keeps trying to tell me to remember that the full I feel is not a physical full but an emotional full, and that I use the eating disorder as a coping tool to avoid feeling. This is very frustrating to me right now, because all that I feel that I'm coping with is my fear of being overweight. Why does it always have to be about something else? It does feel like it is all about the food and the weight. I'm not sure how to get past that, and I just feel so stubborn and childish about it right now. I cancelled my nutritionist appointment for Wednesday, and I know that it was the wrong thing to do, but it's like I couldn't help myself. I see my therapist on Monday, but I'm going to cancel that too. I just can't sit and listen to them all say the same things over and over again. I'm losing faith that what they say is the truth, and I'm also losing faith in myself. Maybe all that I am is a shallow woman who only cares about her appearance.

8 Comments:

Mrs. B said...

DON'T GIVE UP AND DON'T GIVE IN--

ed is staging the final battle--i know , i lknow that is waht everyone is telling you. Watching my daughter fight the same demons; I am starting to understand--it is like a friend; a friend you love to hate and who will I be if I don't have it? YOU WILL AN AMAZING WIFE MOTHER AND MOST OF ALL A WOMAN --WHO FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT AND DID THE BEST THEY COULD. I will be praying for you.
mrsb

Anonymous said...

It makes me so incredibly sad knowing that you are canceling appointments with people who are in place to help you. And I'm sure it makes your family sad and distressed knowing that you are purposely sabatoging your recovery. How can you reach out for help from friends and family when you won't even help yourself? This is not brain surgery. It's not difficult or as hard of work as you claim it to be. You have turned all of this into such a drama, and it's not going to end well. It's simply about choices. If your appearance is more important to you than being healthy and strong and being around in the future for your children, then I think it's time for everyone to let go, including you, and ALLOW YOU TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU CLEARLY WANT TO LIVE. It will be a short one. But it will at least be yours. You can live a long life looking beautifully healthy, or a short life looking terribly sick. The ironic part of all of this, is you are thinking you look "good" now. You don't. People look at you now, not because you look good, but because you look sick. Is that really the attention you want? I agree with the previous anon entry that you need to be admitted for intensive therapy. It's so clear you can't do this by yourself, you don't have the strength or the desire. You don't want to hear people tell you the truth, and you don't want to make the right choices to allow yourself to get better. Someone needs to arrange an intervention and help you before you are lost forever.

Sunny said...

Hey,

I just want to say one thing...since you are at a healthy, normal weight, you do not look sick or bad like the post above me said. You look great now. However, if you begin the downward spiral...well, you already know the outcome. I'm not going to preach.....

Be sure to be very discerning when listening to the advice/criticism of those who may not know what it is like to recover from an eating disorder. I know that people with EDs will WANT to hear negativity from others to sort of confirm the negative thoughts going through their minds all the time. Don't allow this to happen to you.

Go, kicking and screaming to your appointments. Just go.

You are one of my dearest friends and the world wouldn't be the same without you in it. I hope you realize that.

Love ya.

Sunny said...

PS......try to remember what you learned in the Frew....try to grab that strength again. You had it, which means you are very capable of getting it back.

Angel said...

I cancelled my appointments. I will think long and hard about what you all have said, but I just feel incapable of any sort of rational thoughts right now. I'm sorry...

Anonymous said...

Let's be clear. Constructive honest criticism is not negative. It's critical and necessary. Especially for Angel right now. Sunny, can't you see how desperate Angel is? I have been there and I know. I know! I know! You and Angel seem to be close so you need to shake her back into reality. It's time! She doesn't need pats on the back and words filled with hearts and flowers. Claudia is there shouting loud and clear and everyone should be afraid. Is no one seeing the red flags here? Is no one hearing the sirens blaring? Angel has flat out said she's done and she isn't going to the appointments - the one thing that grounds her to reality and helps her. Professionals and around the clock care is what Angel needs. Those who are close to her and love her needs to help make that happen. An intervention is what helped me and sometimes its the last resort and the only answer. Angel is speaking to all of you - all you need to do is listen and help save her.

Jennifer said...

Of course, I think you should keep the appointments. And I am worried. But what brought these feelings on?

I've been reading your blog for about a month now and don't know the full history of your struggles. It seems like you've been doing really well. This hard time appears to be coinciding with your return to work. I have no idea if that has anything to do with how you are feeling, but thought I would note it.

Thinking supportive thoughts for you,

Jennifer

MrsMenopausal said...

Give yourself the same advice, the same goals, the same demands ... pushing forward with the same firmness and tenacity that you would for someone you love who was facing what you are (what would you tell your sibling, husband, child, friend?).

What is worthwhile in life is most often found at the end of a very long, rocky path paved with "I don't want to." If it was easy, it wouldn't be such a big deal, right?

Claudia is deceiving you. She's up to her old tricks. Don't fall for any of it. You deserve your recovery. You deserve your happiness and joy. Do what needs to be done to achieve what you know is necessary for that recovery. If you can't do it on your own then it's time to reach out, speak up, and get the help you need in seeing it through.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"Nothing happens by itself... it all will come your way, once you understand that you have to make it come your way, by your own exertions."
Ben Stein