Upset, angry, disgusted, irrational, and stubborn are a handful of the adjectives I could use to describe how I am feeling at the moment. I cannot gain anymore weight and I'm done with this meal plan that I'm on. It is obvious to me that I'm unable to eat like a normal person. I'm on the treadmill everyday, and still, I continue to gain. I'm mad at myself and everyone, and cannot even talk to anyone on my team about this right now, because I don't want to listen to what they have to say. It is my choice, and I can't do this anymore. I'm choosing to restrict until some of this weight that I've gained comes off. The self loathing, frustration, and anger that I have is so overwhelming, and all-consuming. There seems to be no escape for me. So much for befriending the fear.
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Can you imagine all of the adjectives your family is going to feel after reading this entry? If you can rollercoaster so dramatically from just one day to the next, it is so evident that you desperately need more help than you are getting. The perception of yourself is so grossly skewed that you absolutely cannot do this on your own without being admitted for intense help. I know your funds are tight, but desperate times call for desperate measures and this blog entry is screaming for help! Why isn't someone in your life grabbing you up in their arms and getting you the help you need? Of course you don't want to tell your team what you are feeling. That's the hard part. To hear people tell you that you are failing. So you come to this blog so that everyone will tell you to "hang in there" and "I know what you mean" and "I was there once" and "you can do it." How is that helpful? You are out there drowning and no one is throwing you a lifeline. I'm sure someone will yell at me for this but there comes a time FOR EVERYONE WHO IS EXPERIENCING THE SAME EXACT THING YOU ARE where you hit a wall and you just do whatever you have to do to get better. You don't complain or whine or make excuses or bitch and moan. You just do it! What a sad existence to continue living the way you are and exposing your children to such dysfunctional weakness. You are not only damaging yourself, but you are damaging their lives as well. Is that not enough motivation to stop this madness? How can it not be? There are not enough reasons or combacks or excuses or explanations to justify what you are doing to them.
You CAN eat like a "normal" person. You just CHOOSE not to. There are millions of people eating normally each day that look great. Why do you think you are the exception to the rule? You are no differnt than anyone else. Why do you continue to isolate yourself from the rest of the population? It is your choice. So this is what you can choose: looking sickly and anorexic, brittle bones, no periods, teeth falling out of your head, sunken eyes, dark circles, no butt, no boobs, bad breath, no energy, just skin and bones. You are welcome to choose that. It's a death sentence, but you are within your right to choose the life you want. No one is stopping you.
I know that is a choice, and I have nothing to justify what I'm doing. I wish that I could stop feeling this way. My team knows how I'm feeling right now. I'm honest with everyone. I'm also terrified of gaining anymore weight. I want to have the strength to fight the fear. I just don't know if I can find it.
Angel -
Dig deep down into your soul - you will find it there.
Call a meeting with your therapist - you will find it there.
Listen to the voice of your mother - you will find it there.
Look into the eyes of your children - you will find it there.
I agree with anonymous on some of his/her points...mainly, that there does come a time for everyone who has been where you are when we just have had enough of it and make a conscious decision to get better. She's right about that. I had to do that too. It was hard, but it was something I HAD to do. I had to force myself to realize that my perception was totally fucked up. I had to start looking at myself and my life through "different" eyes and realize that I deserved the right to live....live and BE WHO I AM.
I think maybe...maybe (I don't know what you're thinking about yourself right now, so I'm sort of gussing here) but I think you are afraid of being who you are......just you, just you in the world and therefore you're afraid of "gaining more weight."
You are a glorious person, just being who you are...whether you can accept that or not. Being a certain number doesn't make you a better person or a worse person.
Just be you. Shed the mask and embrace your life......because you deserve it and you are worth it.
I know you well enough to know that you are working your ass off to beat this. Sometimes the wall comes out of nowhere.....but you have to pick up the chisel and beat it down......you can do this. I know that is cliche, but you have a great team to help you. You have Dave as well......you have so many people around you who love you and are more than willing to help you. Don't be afraid to reach out. It's not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.
Love you tons.....
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