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This half smile feels like more effort than it is worth today. I remember Monday, the sleep filled nightmares, but Tuesday is a blur, and my husband just informed me that today is Wednesday. A day lost...a walking dream. I recollect the pain, as it rolls over into this day, and I feel like I can barely speak without tears. I understand selective mutism. How many years of silence, the words swollen and aching, festering like an infected wound. Please don't touch me, I long to scream, not now, while my flesh still crawls. Don't comfort me, don't help me. It hurts too much.

Little Things I Love

Little Things I Love

• Glitter
• Lipgloss
• Diet Coke with a shot of vanilla from Quik Trip
• Tootsie Rolls
• VW busses
• Platform shoes
• Broadway musicals
• Knitting
• Boys
• Babies
• Perfume
• Fashion
• Poetry
• Lace
• Fairies
• Willow Trees
• Dresses
• Kissing
• Daydreaming
• Parties
• Books
• My laptop:)
• Baking with my mom
• Writing
• Target
• Quiet
• Noise
• Laughter
• Sarcasm
• Coffee
• Xanax:)

Well, that is my list for the moment, but I reserve the right to add on to it later!

Choosing

Dave just left to go play golf, and all that I can think about is getting back on the treadmill, even though I have already worked out. I want to stop my mind from racing around in circles, and have a bit of peace. I'm isolating myself today, staying in my room, catching up on laundry, and keeping away from the chaos that is a house full of teenage boys. Maybe the quiet is what is making my mind feel like a crazy persons. Isolating is never a good sign though, and I know this. I don't want one day to turn into two, and so on...I suppose that being aware is a positive. It means that I care about myself. I never want to spiral into the depression and self harming thoughts that I had only months ago. They are months that now seem so far away, and yet only an arms length away. The pain is tangible and strong sometimes, and come at moments that side swipe me. Like now, when all I want to do is give in and cry, about what I don't even know. I'm coping on my own, without the anorexia, although I still have strong thoughts of wanting the distraction of the disease back. Ahhh, the numbing obsession of it all still haunts and tugs at me, pulling me in two directions...to recover or fall into a dangerous trap. I'm choosing recovery, but it feels tenuous at times, like holding onto a frayed rope that is ready to snap at a moments notice. All of these feelings are to be expected I suppose, but nevertheless, maddening. At least for now the teariness has subsided. Writing is good for my soul:)

Happy Father's Day!

Here is an older picture of the boys with their Dad. I couldn't find a more recent one, but I like this.

Happy Father's Day to all of you great dad's out there!
I would like to especially say Happy Father's Day to my step-dad, who is the best dad that a girl could hope for. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before you showed up in my life to bring your love. I love you!<3

Make A Wish

Make A Wish

A wish blows in the wind
like dandelion seeds
that drift through the sunshine
straight into your heart.
The eyelash on a childs cheek
whispered away with a kiss
The candles that ficker
on a birthday cake
eyes squeezed tight
Gazing up at the midnight stars
thoughts of you shooting up
to the heavens above.
Wish I may,wish I might
have the wish
I wish tonight

Angela Minard 2010©

Hunger Is The Monster

Hunger is frightening. Hunger is a greedy monster buried within. Needing anything or anyone too much is frightening, because eventually I have to eat or take from someone, and why that is somehow wrong in my eyes, I haven't quite figured out. I'm afraid that the hunger will never go away and I will take and take until there is nothing left. I will take whatever love is given to me, and still it is not enough. I want to be filled up, to be satiated, but that doesn't seem to happen with me. I'm always left wanting more, without being sure of what more I want. I know that I'm beating a dead horse and that I've said and written these same words before.
I've been eating well for a few weeks now, and my body is getting used to the food. Now it wants to be fed, and loudly lets me know it. I'm not as "good" as I used to be about ignoring the hunger, and that somehow makes me feel like I'm failing instead of seeing it as a victory. I push myself through those feelings, so I guess that is a small victory. I'm also not purging, although the thought has gone through my mind more than a few times lately. I think that these feelings of hunger make me realize that I have needs that have to be met. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I'm afraid of letting people know that I have needs. I expect people to read my mind instead of just asking for what I want. I'm afraid for anyone to get too close. In recovery, this is always the place that I tend to get to, and then I freak out and relapse. I want to be able to progress past this point, because really, what do I have to lose? There is so much more to be gained if I can continue on the path I've been going down.

Thoughts In The Garden

Thoughts In The Garden

There is moss covering the window boxes
neglected for two years now
Overgrown shrubs and forgotten Iris's
that need to be divided

Sitting on the wooden steps
amongst the ruins
a cliched phrase
nevertheless, the truth
Wading through a dusty web of lies

Weeds grow in the crumbled terra cotta pots
A hummingbird hovers
over a closed Hibiscus bloom
A Mother's Day gift
watered by the pounding of rain
otherwise left thirsty

But the wild Daylilies
dancing along the edge of the trail
still bend towards the light

Angela Minard 2010©

Lazy

I'm feeling a bit down and lethargic at the moment. I need to get back on track after our busy weekend. The reunion was fun, but maybe I'm too old to party two nights in a row! Sunday, all I did was lay around, and now I'm feeling guilty for being so unproductive. I slept in this morning, so I'm not off to a great start. I think part of the reason that I'm down is that I didn't refill my medication in a timely manner, and I've missed a couple of doses. I called in my prescription this morning though, so that will help. I know, I know...not good! I saw my psychiatrist on Saturday, and she gave me something that should help with my insomnia and racing thoughts. It is called Risperidone, and I only have to take it as needed. I hate taking more medication, but I will try it. God, it feels like I've tried just about everything!
In other news, son #4 left for basketball camp yesterday. He is staying in the dorms at KU, and probably causing all kinds of trouble by now! He was so excited to leave. Tomorrow we are going to visit and watch them play some scrimmages. I miss him already, so it will be good to see him. He called awhile ago, and wanted us to bring him more food, even though he left here with a bag full of snacks to fill the mini fridge. With the boys home all summer, there is always someone in the kitchen eating, and I spend a lot of my time at the grocery store. In fact, that is where I need to go right now, so I will end this post. Hope everyone has a great week:)

Dave's Reunion

It is going to be a busy weekend of reunion festivities for Dave's 30th high school reunion. We are getting ready to go out and meet some of his friends at one of the bars where they used to hang out. Usually spouses reunion activities are awkward because you don't know anyone, but I know a lot of Dave's friends, so it will actually be fun for me. I bought a really cute dress for tomorrow night, so I'm looking forward to getting dressed up. I love all of that girlie stuff. Dave teases me that when I'm an old lady I will still get all dolled up just to go to the grocery store! Hehe, that is true:-D
I will try to post pictures of our weekend later. Hope everyone has a good one!

Not Eating And Other Random Stuff

Today eating is not going so well, in fact, actually it is not going at all. Why does it feel so hard to walk into the kitchen and fix myself something to eat? If someone else made it for me, the likelihood that I would eat would probably increase. The act of actually nurturing myself is so very difficult. I want confirmation that I deserve to eat…that I am worthy. Crazy, huh? I plan on eating dinner, but that is the best that I can do today, considering that it is already 4:30. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it. I know that there will be days like this, but I wish that I could pinpoint why some days are easier than others. Oh well...here are some other random things to talk about besides eating disordered behaviors:)

• We are having an amazingly beautiful thunderstorm here at the moment. I lit some candles in the house, and turned on the twinkle lights that adorn the mantle on my fireplace. It is pretty. I like it:)
• Today #4 son brought home a piece of crap garage sale chair that vibrates, without asking first, and now it is sitting in our front yard getting soaking wet! Gotta love it, because what else am I going to do?
• #4 son also decided to walk to Taco Bell with friends. It was before the storm hit, and now he is somewhere stuck in the rain. Dave went looking for him, he is not at Taco Bell, and isn't answering his cell phone. He probably isn't carrying it, which is a rule, so can we all say GROUNDED! #4 son is something else. He is the one who needed stitches, of course:)
• #1 son racked up a $500 cell phone bill because he was talking to his girlfriend for hours. #1 son, who is also 19, doesn't have a job, and took a year off before going to college. Can we all say freeloading sponge:) All said in jest, of course. He is a good kid, no drugs, tattoos, or piercings. I'm the only one who gets tattoos and piercings;-)

Enough randomness for now. I'm off to cook dinner, and yes, I'm going to eat some of it.

Without You

Without You

The weeks have been long
without you
There is an empty space
that only you can replace
The moon still shines
on these restless nights
without you
The dreams of you feel real
Awakening to realize
the truth
without you
Running toward the past
to find you
to see you
to touch you
slipping through these fingers
lost
without you

Angela Minard 2010©

Connecting

My body image pretty much sucks right now. I ate dinner, and felt really full, which I am not at all comfortable with. I actually thought about purging, and that is something that I haven't done or even thought about in a long time. Instead, I jumped on the treadmill. What is strange is that I also did some strength training and stretching today. I should be feeling great about my body, right? I also lost another 1/2 lb. when I was weighed by my nutritionist. I should be jumping for joy, right? Yet I feel so down on myself today. My nutritionist is the one who suggested the stretching and strength training. She said it would help me to feel in tune and connect more with my body, instead of just zoning out on the treadmill. Maybe that was the problem today. I actually felt connected to my own body, and that was scary. For so long, I've hated my body, and feeling in touch with it didn't feel very great. I remember doing yoga when I was in the eating disorder treatment center, and actually crying because I could feel my body. I've disconnected from it since the rape, and feeling it is really hard for me. Wow, just writing this out has helped me to understand why today has been rough. I will continue to work through this and hopefully by tomorrow I will feel better about myself.

Total Recovery

I've been trying on and fitting into clothes that I haven't been able to wear in awhile, and it is exhilarating, but it also scares me. Whenever I have lost weight in the past, it has never been enough. What if this time is no different? What if I'm fooling myself into believing that I'm recovering. The obsessive thoughts about my weight are still there, and maybe those never go away. It makes me feel so sad to think about forever having a sick mind, and having to be attached to this eating disorder for the rest of my life. I guess the truth is that I haven't convinced myself that there is such a thing as total recovery. Yes, I'm feeding my body more often than not, and I'm exercising, but am I working out to be healthy, or to lose weight? I need to be honest with myself about this, and really all that I want is to lose more weight. Today I see my nutritionist, and I don't usually ask her to weigh me, but I want to know if I've lost more. I actually know that I have by the way my clothes fit, but I want to hear it. The only thing is that I know she will think that I'm doing it in an unhealthy way, which I really don't believe that I am. My mind set is still unhealthy, but I feel like I'm doing all of the right things. I still think that being too thin looks good. There, I said it! Isn't it horrible to think that? It tells me that I'm still not in a good place. Being eating disordered has been a part of my idenity for so long. Am I afraid of who I will be without it? I know these are questions that I need to answer for myself, and if I dig deep enough, I know I will find the answers. My friend Jackie would tell me that there is such a thing as total recovery because she has found it. How do I get to that place inside of my mind, and do I want it bad enough?

Plato's Love Theory

"We started out as a full circle, and when we strived to be like the gods, they punished us, and struck us right down dead center in half. Since then, we spend the rest of our lives wandering and searching the earth for our other half. When we find our other half the circle is complete again, and we are whole."

~Plato’s Love Theory

Weekend Happenings

I had a wonderful weekend, although everyday feels like the weekend for me:) Saturday Dave and I went to a friends and sat by her pool for the afternoon. We got good and drunk, and it was a fun kind of drunk, as opposed to a sad kind of drunk. Sunday we went to my brother and sister-in-laws for a cookout, and my nieces were there. I always love seeing them because then I can get my little girl fix.

My two younger boys are off of their grounding. We had to ground them on Wednesday, because while Dave and I were out to dinner, they went gallivanting around the neighborhood late at night. Justice came home with a girls phone number written on his arm, and proceeded to tell me that she had kissed him! When I told him that he was grounded, he said, "Mom, it was so worth it!" Too funny! I love watching the boys grow up. They are so much fun:)
Monday Dave and I went shopping at my favorite store, Target! We bought an iron, a Swiffer wet mop, and two new dresses for me, so I will look very cute while mopping and ironing;-)
Well that is all for now. Hope everyone has a great week.