Hunger Is The Monster

Hunger is frightening. Hunger is a greedy monster buried within. Needing anything or anyone too much is frightening, because eventually I have to eat or take from someone, and why that is somehow wrong in my eyes, I haven't quite figured out. I'm afraid that the hunger will never go away and I will take and take until there is nothing left. I will take whatever love is given to me, and still it is not enough. I want to be filled up, to be satiated, but that doesn't seem to happen with me. I'm always left wanting more, without being sure of what more I want. I know that I'm beating a dead horse and that I've said and written these same words before.
I've been eating well for a few weeks now, and my body is getting used to the food. Now it wants to be fed, and loudly lets me know it. I'm not as "good" as I used to be about ignoring the hunger, and that somehow makes me feel like I'm failing instead of seeing it as a victory. I push myself through those feelings, so I guess that is a small victory. I'm also not purging, although the thought has gone through my mind more than a few times lately. I think that these feelings of hunger make me realize that I have needs that have to be met. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I'm afraid of letting people know that I have needs. I expect people to read my mind instead of just asking for what I want. I'm afraid for anyone to get too close. In recovery, this is always the place that I tend to get to, and then I freak out and relapse. I want to be able to progress past this point, because really, what do I have to lose? There is so much more to be gained if I can continue on the path I've been going down.