Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hunger Is The Monster

Hunger Pictures, Images and Photos

Hunger is frightening. Hunger is a greedy monster buried within. Needing anything or anyone too much is frightening, because eventually I have to eat or take from someone, and why that is somehow wrong in my eyes, I haven't quite figured out. I'm afraid that the hunger will never go away and I will take and take until there is nothing left. I will take whatever love is given to me, and still it is not enough. I want to be filled up, to be satiated, but that doesn't seem to happen with me. I'm always left wanting more, without being sure of what more I want. I know that I'm beating a dead horse and that I've said and written these same words before.
I've been eating well for a few weeks now, and my body is getting used to the food. Now it wants to be fed, and loudly lets me know it. I'm not as "good" as I used to be about ignoring the hunger, and that somehow makes me feel like I'm failing instead of seeing it as a victory. I push myself through those feelings, so I guess that is a small victory. I'm also not purging, although the thought has gone through my mind more than a few times lately. I think that these feelings of hunger make me realize that I have needs that have to be met. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I'm afraid of letting people know that I have needs. I expect people to read my mind instead of just asking for what I want. I'm afraid for anyone to get too close. In recovery, this is always the place that I tend to get to, and then I freak out and relapse. I want to be able to progress past this point, because really, what do I have to lose? There is so much more to be gained if I can continue on the path I've been going down.


Ann said...

It sounds like you are going through some very confusing times but I know you can make it through.

Anonymous said...

I wish you could find some kind of relief. The jumping back and forth both physically and mentally has to be so exhausting. Some day you will get tired of it all.

Wanda's Wings said...

All I can say is I wish you peace with this. I not doing too well myself or maybe I could come up with some better advise.

Pen said...

Good luck in your recovery. I totally understand how you feel. When you're doing what you need to do, and yet somehow feel like you're failing. I also expect people to read my mind (especially my husband!). Please keep pushing because you are headed in the right direction! I will do the same!

Anonymous said...

Can Superman even fill the whole? That is the grand question.