Here and Now

Therapy last night was intense. First off, I found out that my therapist had been in the hospital over the weekend with vertigo. She still wasn't doing well yesterday, which made me worry. She said that all the tests they ran showed that she is in excellent health, so I'm trying not to worry too much. I hate being needy, but I'm so afraid of losing the people that I care about. I know that everyone feels this way, and that it's not exclusive to me, but I feel like I need more assurance that no one is going anywhere. I'm especially this way with my husband. I think because I was so close to losing him, the fear is always right below the surface. We talked about this last night, and I almost broke down. The therapist/patient relationship is a strange one. I wish that I wasn't so attached, but how is it possible to share everything that I have without some kind of bond. I also know that the time is going to come when I actually don't need her anymore, and as m...

Hunger is frightening. Hunger is a greedy monster buried within. Needing anything or anyone too much is frightening, because eventually I have to eat or take from someone, and why that is somehow wrong in my eyes, I haven't quite figured out. I'm afraid that the hunger will never go away and I will take and take until there is nothing left. I will take whatever love is given to me, and still it is not enough. I want to be filled up, to be satiated, but that doesn't seem to happen with me. I'm always left wanting more, without being sure of what more I want. I know that I'm beating a dead horse and that I've said and written these same words before. I've been eating well for a few weeks now, and my body is getting used to the food. Now it wants to be fed, and loudly lets me know it. I'm not as "good" as I used to be about ignoring the hunger, and that somehow makes me feel like I'm failing instead of seeing it as a victory. I push myself thr...