Here and Now

I deleted my last post from a few days ago, mainly because it was whiny and ungrateful, and that is not the person I want to be or the space I want to inhabit. Although what I wrote was my truth in the moment, I feel like if I want to move forward, I need to find a different truth. When I worry too much about the future, I become paralyzed with fear and self doubt, and as usual, I find myself standing in my own way. The goal for now is simple, and that is just to be where I am, without judgment.   

Nothing makes me more afraid than my own silence. I want to write, but the words are only fragments of incomplete thoughts, and I realize that I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of pain, that I have become incoherent. My therapist mentioned that my hyper vigilance has increased, and she is right...I'm always waiting for the next bad thing. It is a symptom of post traumatic stress which I struggle with, and the severity comes and goes. I feel helpless when it comes to dealing with a current situation that is going on in my life at the moment. I blame myself, and there is no way to fix it. Everyday I walk out of my house and slap a smile on my face, but inside I'm frozen with fear.     “I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease...