With One More Look At You

I've always been a huge Barbra Streisand fan, playing her records as a kid, until I absolutely drove my family mad. This is one of my favorite songs from A Star Is Born.

With One More Look At You


With one more look at you
I could learn to tame the clouds
And let the sun shine through
Leave a troubled past and I might start anew
I'll solve the mysteries if you're the prize
Refresh these tired eyes
With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger
That I learned to know
Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more that I had dreamed I'd be
My spirit feels a promise
I won't be alone
We'll love and live more
Love and live forever
With one more look at you
I'd learn to change the stars
And change our fortunes too
I'd have the constellations, paint your portrait too
So all the world might share this wonderous sight
The world could end each night
With one more look at you
With one more look at you
I want one more look at you

Light And Love

For so long, only the silence knew

the hidden darkness that swallowed my soul

I was lost in the lonely solitude of my heart,

but there is light and love

I'm shining a little bit brighter each day.

Angela Minard 2011©

It has been a beautiful day, and work went well at the new school I was placed in. I feel like I accomplished a lot, and that always makes me happy. I came home from work, wrote a paper on visual supports for individuals with autism, which is so important by the way, and then rushed off to yoga. I do so much better when I'm busy and engaged in life. I've spent so many years isolating myself from the world because the pain was overwhelming. I didn't even realize that all of the time that I thought I was dead inside, nothing could choke out the fire that I kept hidden. I'm feeling stronger than I believed I ever could be. It helps that I've been taking care of my body. I never really connected how much the body and mind work together, and how much I was starving my mind...
and now for my third list of random things I love...

Things I Love Part 3

• The golden crescent moon outside my window.
• My new leg warmers...so 80's, but warm and cozy.
• Coconut oil because it reminds me of summer. I slather it on, and maybe that is too much information;-)
• The pink lining of my winter coat.
• Boys, which goes without saying. 
• The sparkling frost that covers the ground this time of year.
• Christmas lights.
• Incense.
• Nutella, which is a hazelnut/chocolate spread, like peanut butter...so yummy.

Okay...that is all for now, but here are the links for one and two :-)

http://hereandnow4angel.blogspot.com/2010/06/little-things-i-love.html

http://hereandnow4angel.blogspot.com/2011/04/things-i-love-part-ii.html

Jackie's Hat

In this picture, I'm wearing a hat that my friend Jackie Heyen crocheted for me. She is starting to sell some of her work, so please go check out her website. Besides being crafty, she is also a talented singer/songwriter, and has a music cd that she recorded about her recovery from anorexia called Journey To Worthy. I actually met Jackie on myspace almost 5 years ago. She was promoting her cd, and I got in touch with her because I was desperate to talk with someone who had completely recovered. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders ever since. When I went into treatment she came and visited me, and a few summers ago she drove her motorcycle here from Florida to stay for a few days. She is so inspiring, and helped me believe that there could be full recovery from an eating disorder. I've been so blessed to have her friendship in my life. It is always amazing to me how people come into our lives exactly when we need them.

Boys

I found this picture, and because it is a time to give thanks, I thought I would honor my four boys, Christian, Logan, Justice, and Roman...who have taught me so much. I think that mostly they have made me realize how large is my capacity and overwhelming ability to love unconditionally. It feels like yesterday that I held them in my arms, and although at times I miss their baby years, it is amazing to have grown young men surrounding me. There is not a day that goes by that they don't manage to bring a smile to my face. As I write this at 2:00 a.m., my 21 year old walks through the door and sits at the kitchen table to chat, so I will finish this post later...

Awww, we had a great talk about his school, girlfriend, and just his life in general. He is great at sitting up with me when I can't sleep. Someday soon he will be out on his own, and I will miss this. I am so grateful, thankful, and blessed to have these wonderful boys. I wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

Anorexia And My Family

My son posted this picture on Facebook the other day, saying that this was the body type he preferred. It doesn't surprise me, but I've always been worried about how my anorexia affected my children. I know that it was hard on them when I went in-patient. I think it has made them more aware of the societal pressures to be thin. It still frightens me that I find the thinner body more attractive, and wish that were more my natural body type, but I am learning to accept the shape that I am. I'm doing so well with my eating, and even during times of stress I'm managing to keep up with my intake. Being hungry still freaks me out, and I wait until I can no longer ignore it before I eat, but I'm sure with time I will get used to the feeling without letting it cause me anxiety. Thanksgiving, as most people with eating disorders will tell you, is difficult. I get overwhelmed with so many choices, and the amount of food. I still feel like people watch me, looking for signs of my illness, but it is most likely only in my mind. I'm just trying to focus on spending time with my family, and not worry so much about the eating part. I'm wishing all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving!

It Is Fun Trying

I think I have managed to stumble through this week rather gracefully . Tuesday was difficult, and change always frightens me, but I'm doing okay. I've been stuck in the office at work for half of my day, and I'm not an "office" kind of person. I hate printers and copiers. I hate paper work, and mundane tasks. Repetitiveness drives me insane, as does, cutting, gluing,and laminating, but hopefully it won't be for long. I'm ready to get my hands on a new kiddo:) I'm always nervous to start at a new school, but I think change is becoming easier for me. Took me long enough! Really, all in all, I'm in a good place. This week has been crap, but I've eaten, I've tackled each day even when I didn't want to get up, I've learned new things without judging myself too harshly, and I made it to Friday. This weekend I plan on lots of yoga, and I'm excited about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, with extra time off, and time spent with family. The holidays are always bittersweet when my family is far away, but they are in my heart. Now that I Skype, it is fun to be able to see them in "person." I think it is amazing how the world changes second by second. I will never be able to keep up, but it is fun trying!

A Bummer Day

Today I'm hurting over a student that I worked with for over a year. I made the decision to move on, and though I know it is for the best, it is still difficult. I do grow attached to the kids that I work with, and it is hard to let go when the time comes. I've been doing this job for ten years, so you would think that it gets easier, but it doesn't. I knew today that when I was flinching everytime he came near me, it wasn't going to work anymore. There were also some other politics that led to my choice to leave. Basically the school doesn't care about the safety of their staff, and I was tired of being injured and no one having my back. Part of me feels as if I've failed or given up, but then the other part feels like I'm doing what I need to do to take care of myself. It will be easier to get up and go to work everyday knowing that I'm not going to be hit. It is only Tuesday, and I feel so exhausted. I'm glad that next week will be short because of the Thanksgiving holiday. Wishing everyone a great week.

Stronger Than Today

“This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes...There is, in the end, the letting go.”

~ Marya Hornbacher

Sometimes the feeling of insatiable hunger chokes me, and I do miss the feeling that I could conquer the emptiness. I feel weak for eating, and for being hungry. I hate the hunger. I'm afraid of the hunger, and of needing more than I should have. Tonight I ate dinner, and only hours later, I'm hungry again. It really pisses me off to tell the truth. Eating everytime I'm hungry seems excessive and greedy. I used to be so good at ignoring the grinding of my stomach...of actually enjoying the pain it caused, because I felt I deserved that pain. It blocked out all of the other pain, the memories, and the sadness. Today was one of those days when feeling felt too hard, and I wanted to do everything I knew of to get rid of it. I managed to avoid alcohol because I knew that later the sorrow would knock me over the edge, but there is still my eating disorder...my fall back. Today it is more the intrusive thoughts of wanting to go back, even though I did eat lunch and dinner, and so I worry about tomorrow because right this moment, even though I know I'm hungry, I will not eat, and I'm in the planning stages of not eating tomorrow. And so I ask myself,"What are you avoiding?" "What hurt are you trying to push away?" I come up blank, as if there is a curtain over the truth that I do not want to see. Maybe I will look at it tomorrow, when I'm stronger than today.

The Blame And Shame Game

"You can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe."

~ Anna Nalick

This quote comes from the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Ahhh, we can't go backward and change the past. It is a childish notion, and one that I think survivors of trauma obsess over to a certain extent. Of course most people have regrets, but because often survivors blame themselves, we like to think we can go back to the scene of the crime, and magically change what happened. We replay it in our minds over and over again, reliving the pain, trying to see what we did wrong. Sometimes I get angry, and sometimes I'm filled with shame and loathing. No matter how many people tell me that it wasn't my fault, that feeling washes over me at times, and it physically knocks the wind out of me. For a large portion of my life, I have walked around with shame clinging to me, like a dark shadow following me around, whispering in my ear that I'm bad. I like the peace and quiet that I'm often finding in my life now. The feelings come and go, and I can sit and breathe through the pain, knowing that it will pass. I held on to my numbness like a security blanket, and it was scary to let go of, but it is happening. I used to be frustrated with how long the healing process is taking, but when I think of how long I lived in silence, it makes sense, and I'm learning to be patient. So breathe, just breathe...

It Will All Be Okay

I was cussed out by a 6 yr. old on the playground today. I'm smiling as I say cussed out because he has autism, and his "words" were not understandable, and yet the tone was definitely cursing! Those are the times when I love my job. He didn't want to go back inside, and I didn't blame him on this beautiful autumn day.

I still haven't left the aggressive student that I work with in the morning though. I'm riding out the storm, and I'm not restraining right now until my broken finger heals. There is another meeting for him tomorrow, and so many people have come into observe him. I think things will change, or he will be transfered to a more appropriate setting than a school classroom. Maybe this is wishful thinking...

Stress is high at home with my son, who was arrested on a drug charge, and is also on the autism spectrum. He is getting diversion, but it costs $850.00, so we had to ask for a continuance because we don't have the money. The judge gave us 8 weeks to come up with the money. We barely make our bills as it is, so we don't have that kind of money just lying around. I have faith that it will work out, but it is a difficult situation none the less.

On the yoga front, I'm practicing, broken finger and all. It holds my sanity in place like nothing else can. Of course the drugs also help ;-)

That brings me to the eating disorder. My recovery is going in such a forward direction, and even though I have stress right now, I'm still eating like a "normal" person. That is not to say that everyday is not a struggle, but I push myself to do it, even though there is the other voice in my head that still whispers to me. I'm learning to accept my body the way it is, flaws and all. So, oh well, I'm not a Victoria's Secret model...it is okay. It will all be okay.

Sanctuary

Sanctuary

All that I'm left with is homesickness...

the dull, throbbing ache

that always sits in my chest

I use the word "homesick,"

as if you were my sanctuary,

the piece of myself that I hold close

like a poem

recited by heart

Here I am now

Lost inside the whisper of a dream

Past, present, future

unknown, found, lost

unfinished...

Angela Minard 2011©