Friday, November 11, 2011

The Blame And Shame Game

"You can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe."
~ Anna Nalick

This quote comes from the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Ahhh, we can't go backward and change the past. It is a childish notion, and one that I think survivors of trauma obsess over to a certain extent. Of course most people have regrets, but because often survivors blame themselves, we like to think we can go back to the scene of the crime, and magically change what happened. We replay it in our minds over and over again, reliving the pain, trying to see what we did wrong. Sometimes I get angry, and sometimes I'm filled with shame and loathing. No matter how many people tell me that it wasn't my fault, that feeling washes over me at times, and it physically knocks the wind out of me. For a large portion of my life, I have walked around with shame clinging to me, like a dark shadow following me around, whispering in my ear that I'm bad. I like the peace and quiet that I'm often finding in my life now. The feelings come and go, and I can sit and breathe through the pain, knowing that it will pass. I held on to my numbness like a security blanket, and it was scary to let go of, but it is happening. I used to be frustrated with how long the healing process is taking, but when I think of how long I lived in silence, it makes sense, and I'm learning to be patient. So breathe, just breathe...


Heather Jerdee said...

I love that sentence "when I think of how long I lived in silence it does make sense." It's so easy to forget how much of our lives we were just coping and to forget how far we have come. This was so validating to read. I love you and we are not alone now. I am really grateful for that :)

JohnBuchanan said...

The words; change the past, blame themselves, reliving the pain, what we did wrong, angry, shame, loathing, not my fault, numbness, frustration, are words that people in pain always seem to relate to and use.

I am learning to look to the future and live the now, for these are the things I can do something about.

I am glad you are learning to let go of the security blanket, as you move forward try to remember to enjoy the now, and know it's easier to enjoy if you are looking in the right direction.

All the best, a fellow sufferer.

Eve said...

I needed to read this! thank u! I love u!