Boys

I found this picture, and because it is a time to give thanks, I thought I would honor my four boys, Christian, Logan, Justice, and Roman...who have taught me so much. I think that mostly they have made me realize how large is my capacity and overwhelming ability to love unconditionally. It feels like yesterday that I held them in my arms, and although at times I miss their baby years, it is amazing to have grown young men surrounding me. There is not a day that goes by that they don't manage to bring a smile to my face. As I write this at 2:00 a.m., my 21 year old walks through the door and sits at the kitchen table to chat, so I will finish this post later...

Awww, we had a great talk about his school, girlfriend, and just his life in general. He is great at sitting up with me when I can't sleep. Someday soon he will be out on his own, and I will miss this. I am so grateful, thankful, and blessed to have these wonderful boys. I wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery

I wish that I had taken more of the green beans.
It was some sort of a casserole, and it tasted creamy,
but getting seconds of anything was out of the question
on any day of the year, and this day was not an exception.
I still had my rules to adhere by.
I took a little bit of everything that looked good,
leaving anything that I knew I liked too much.
It made me feel guilty to enjoy food.
No one seemed to pay much attention to my plate,
unlike years before when I was obviously too thin
and needed to eat.
There is a lot that I did with that inside of my head.
Mainly I thought it meant that I must need to lose weight.
"Do you have your appetite back yet?"
my father-in-law asked soon after I had returned from treatment.
If only it were that simple.
I had never really lost it in the first place, but the smaller I became,
the safer I felt. Somehow it made me feel invincible, and I was very skilled
at starving myself, only it never was enough.
Am I recovered enough?
I still had wanted to cry about the plate sitting in front of me.
It's not about the food, it's about the feelings,
my therapist often reminds me.
Maybe next Thanksgiving I will get seconds,
or have some dessert, and maybe, just maybe, I will feel.
Oh, yes...I will feel.

Angela Minard 2010©