Here and Now

I'm moved and amazed by how we touch others; how we pass throughout our days unaware of the impact we make,  and how even the simplest of gestures can change the course of a day.  When we are in pain, and filled with despair,  we don't realize how we would be missed.  Imagine believing that our pain was endless... how do we ask someone to stay?  How do we find the will to keep going when all we can see is darkness ahead?  It is difficult for someone who hasn't felt such infinite hopelessness to understand wanting to end your own life.  I lived in silence for so long,  turning away from all that I didn't want to see.  I would awaken each morning, and before I even had a chance to grasp the light,  shame would wash over me, and it took everything I had inside to face the day.  My suicide attempts were planned, and yet also impulsive.  I would obsessively think of ways to end my life,  allo...

I was searching for some old pictures of the boys to post on facebook for "Throwback Thursday." and stumbled across an old picture of myself wearing a bikini. It is ironic since I am planning on a trip to the pool with a friend today. I inhaled sharply, and quickly shuffled past it, but it wasn't fast enough to avoid the blank look on my face, the sharp collar bones, and outline of my ribcage. A friend had taken my picture at the public pool where I spent the summer with the boys. I had already given birth to all of them, and I was wasting away. I would go for days living on apple slices, and taking dozens of laxatives to get rid of everything. I wanted to be clean...empty... Today, I will put on my swim suit. It is not a bikini, although I could wear one if I wanted. My shoulders are strong; no longer sharp and bony. I have curves and more than enough flesh to cover my ribs. There is a light in my eyes, and more importantly, I am alive. I am alive...

I am wide awake, when I should be sleeping, but my mind cannot rest, and my heart is racing madly. I'm out of my routine I suppose, and life is buzzing loudly; insistant that I sit up and take notice. I'm so alive that it feels as if an electric current is running throughout my body, and it is not entirely pleasant. Changes are happening all around me, and with change comes a certain amount of discomfort. These changes are everything I've dreamt of, and it feels so unreal at times to believe that I can even have these things that I've wanted. I'm beginning to teach some yoga classes at a couple of studios in town, and it is amazing to me to love it as much as I hoped I would. I wasn't sure... I mean, I love my yoga practice, but there is a difference between practicing and teaching. A large portion of recovery for me has been sharing my journey with other people who are struggling to find their way, and that has mainly been sharing my story through writin...

Love Beside Me I think I must go to bed  feeling your arms as I drift safe dreaming of being loved waking  to love Touch gently outlining my days with warm fingertips soothing shadows The hushed voices of morning soft breath love beside me Angela Minard 2014©

Sometimes practicing yoga breaks my heart, because it is through the breath and movement that I touch my own heart...Sometimes other people break my heart... Sometimes when people love me, it hurts... Sometimes I'm overcome by all of my emotions... I refuse to stop feeling,  no matter how tempting it is to disappear...  I will not disappear... "I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world. I may not complete this last one, but I give myself to it...I circle around God, around the ancient tower. I've been circling for thousands of years and I still don't know: am I a falcon, a storm,or a great song?" ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Mourning Light Awakening with trepidation  I recognize this tug of war between the weight of my body refusing to rise and my mind arguing with insistance It is sudden so abrupt  this fleshy darkness  that I cannot easily recall being light opening to light The effortless movement of my opened palms awaiting the sun No longer connected to my own breath or the far away pulsing that was the memory of my illuminated heart Angela Minard 2014©

"The Girl and the Owl" by  Michael Shapcott Last night, as I was closing my eyes and beginning to settle into savasana, which is the final resting pose in a yoga practice, I heard the faint call of an owl from beyond the studio doors, and a sudden blanket of peace fell over me. I heard very clearly in my mind a voice that firmly said, "Stop the questions." The owl, with his plaintive query, opened my mind to the futility of my constant hunger to know why. Only hours before, I had been sitting in my therapists office, and she said, "You are trying so hard to find reason in things that will never make sense." I question why everything happens, good or bad; my mind circling through endless dizzying spirals, and it gets me nowhere. Questions bring doubt; doubt in myself and my capability to trust others, and I don't want to live my life hiding within narrow shadows anymore. When I stop examining the reasons for myself and others to believe in me, ...

Breathing We inhale... Fill Expand Hold Tighten Draw in Beating  Beating Pounding Throbbing Warmth Palm to palm Lines cross Intersect Our dark Our light Our hearts  Fill Expand  Hold  Tighten Draw in  Beating Beating Pounding  Throbbing Warmth Exhale Open Release Surrender We Breathe and Let go... Angela Minard 2014©