Here and Now

Imagine I wonder if you are riding through the soft green mist of late spring the color of your eyes... Closing down my sleepy lids I breathe in joy giving it all away to you... I drop my head back lifting my gaze to the blinding white heavens  spinning above the clouds cover the expanse of sky so fully  I have to imagine the velvety blue beneath and I do... Angela Minard 2015©

Here it is finally, after months of anticipation...Yes! The first day of spring!!! The crocus and daffodills are beginning to bloom, the sun is shining and the temperature is supposed to rise into the 70's. That is about as close to perfection as you can get. I will enjoy this for the next two days, and then it is supposed to be yucky again, but at least I know that better days are around the corner. The good news for this week is that I'm going to start taking yoga classes. I couldn't afford it on my own, but my parents are generously paying for it. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. When I was in treatment, we did yoga a couple of times a week, and I loved it. It helped me to relax, get more in touch with myself, and to recognize the beauty of what my body can do. It is important for me to not focus only on what my body looks like, but to step outside of that, and feel my own strength. One day when I was at R...

Photosynthesis My bones ache from the months of cold shoulders hunched, chest sinking in on itself as if I could disappear inside of my own warmth like the core of the earth that smolders when all the while death sleeps upon the frozen ground I think of the seeds buried beneath my feet dormant waiting for the change of season never impatient while I grow weary and dissatisfied forgetting what longs to bloom within And yet my soul still remembers to bend toward the light Angela Minard 2011©

I'm realizing that I constantly question my own feelings. I ask myself why I'm feeling them instead of acknowledging them and validating them. This morning I felt inexplicably happy, and then immediately asked myself why. In the case of happiness, I think I question so that I can hang on to it, forgetting that there are a myriad of reasons for joy. Pain, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, disappointment...those feelings are all bad in my mind. I label them, squirm away from them, and feel shame that I even have those feelings, especially if some of them are directed toward someone else. I'm going to try to be more aware of this. How many times in treatment and therapy have I heard the phrase, "You need to sit with your feelings." That is difficult for me to do. I've been a bit manic lately with sleepless nights, and racing thoughts, and then of course questioning again, I wonder if I confuse happiness with the high that comes from a manic phase. I don't have ...

Off and on today, the sun has been pushing it's way through the thick cloud cover. That is a bit like how my life feels right now. I see and feel glimpses of the warm sun peeking through the darkness, and I have hope. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. It went really well. I'm feeling less depressed and anxious, so she is lowering the Abilify because it makes me restless and fidgety. I hope that will be okay, since other than those side affects, my mood has been more positive. Today is also the official start of spring break. I have ten blissful days off, although I don't have any big plans. I'm going to spring clean, and hopefully plant some pansies in my window boxes if the weather warms up. I saw my therapist on Wednesday, and my nutritionist yesterday. They were good sessions, but not much new to report. I'm just working on the same old issues. My nutritionist wants to increase my food intake, but I'm not ready. I'm so comfortable ...

A Simple Thing The sun shines Warms the earth Such a simple thing to smile inside Warms the heart with gratitude for spring's arrival Such a simple thing Angela Minard 2008