Friday, March 12, 2010

Here Comes The Sun


Off and on today, the sun has been pushing it's way through the thick cloud cover. That is a bit like how my life feels right now. I see and feel glimpses of the warm sun peeking through the darkness, and I have hope.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. It went really well. I'm feeling less depressed and anxious, so she is lowering the Abilify because it makes me restless and fidgety. I hope that will be okay, since other than those side affects, my mood has been more positive. Today is also the official start of spring break. I have ten blissful days off, although I don't have any big plans. I'm going to spring clean, and hopefully plant some pansies in my window boxes if the weather warms up.
I saw my therapist on Wednesday, and my nutritionist yesterday. They were good sessions, but not much new to report. I'm just working on the same old issues. My nutritionist wants to increase my food intake, but I'm not ready. I'm so comfortable where I am, and my weight is stable. I know that I'm too dependent on only drinking my breakfast and lunch most of the time. I still have a difficult time eating in front of other people. I'm doing better at staying present at dinnertime though. My nutritionist asked me if there was a time that I remember enjoying food, and really, no, I don't. Food and fear have gone hand in hand for such a long time. I like certain foods, but to sit down and actually enjoy it seems foreign to me. Staying present for me means not spacing off while I'm eating, and also not standing up while I eat. At dinnertime, I try to focus on my husband, and that helps some. I know that so often he feels like he doesn't help me, or that I don't give him the chance to help me. Admitting that I need people is not one of my strengths, but I'm trying. I think it is especially hard with my therapist. Last week I didn't have my session, and I really missed her, but also felt very uncomfortable with those feelings. She reassured me that my feelings were normal. She expressed to me that she also missed seeing me, so that made me feel like at least it isn't one sided. I need to know that people care about me, but then again, who doesn't? The thought of being needy really bothers me. I don't want to depend too much upon other people because I'm afraid that I will lose them. Sometimes the pain of that seems unbearable, so I try to protect myself by going numb, and not letting anyone get too close. It isn't a fun way to live life though, so I'm working harder at staying connected to those I love.
Well, that is all for now. I don't know how much I will blog over the week, but I do feel some poetry coming on, so look forward to that!:-)


Wanda's Wings said...

Sounds like you are making some progress. I hope you have a wonderful spring break.

Angela said...

Thank you, Wanda!

Ann said...

You're doing good, keep it up. Enjoy those 10 days, I'm jealous :)

Nicole said...

I'm so glad to know that your depression is lifting a bit, that is great news! :)

I miss my therapist too, I know what you mean. A couple weeks ago my session had to be cancelled because of a huge snow storm and I ended up crying because I was so sad about it. It's also scary for me to become attached to people, because I'm so afraid of losing them. And I do the same things to protect myself from getting hurt: I numb my emotions and don't let anyone get too close to me. I'm working on improving my relationships and connections with others though, because you're right, building walls to disconnect is not a fun way to live.

I hope the sun shines all week for you! Have a beautiful break and I'm so excited to hear that you might be posting some poems :)

All my love,

Poetic Shutterbug said...

It seems you are doing well and I'm so happy. Enjoy your Spring break. That photo by the way took my breath away.