I don't know why I have this compulsive need to go back to the scene of the crime. In my mind, I see the bedroom, with the mattress on the floor. The freshly painted walls were windowless, and bare. I have the childish thought that maybe if I return to the beginning, I can somehow change what happened. The beginning and ending are what I remember the most, and even now, the memories make me cover my hands over my eyes, although eventually, I'm compelled to look. Over and over again, I do this to myself. I play the "what if" game. What if I had screamed or put up more of a fight. I still feel such shame that I didn't fight back. I just let them do what they wanted to me. I have nightmares where I'm frozen with fear, and suffocating to death. At a certain point, I became numb to the pain and lost inside the eerie silence of my own mind. I look back, and there are fragments of memories that don't fit anywhere. I wonder why I keep taking it out and dissecting the whole thing. I want it all to fit into a nice, compact little compartment, with all of the pieces intact, and in order, and then, I think, maybe I will be able to put it away.
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You did all you could.I'm am so sorry this happened to you. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Look at it this way, if you'd have fought back they might have killed you. Where there's life there's hope, right? (((((HUGS)))))
Thanks Wanda and Ruth. I do have hope that soon I will be able to keep this in the past where it belongs. Hugs back to both of you:)
You can't take something terrible and make it all fit into a "nice" compartment. You can't take something that fractured your spirit and keep all the pieces "intact." You can't take something that was unbelievably broken and give it any kind of "order." You are wanting to fit a round circle into a square peg. Quit fighting it and stop trying to turn it into something it will never be. If you keep going back to the past then you will continue to miss out on the beauty and peace of today. You are safe now. Why do you want to keep torturing yourself this way by continuing to emerse yourself in the past? It serves absolutely no purpose and it is hindering your healing processs. Put it away and walk away. No one wins when they play the "what if" game.
Anonymous,
I do realize that this serves no positive purpose.
*hugs*
I'm so sorry that happened to you, Angie. The shame is completely on them, and not on you. What happened to you was awful and inexcusable. You did not deserve that and it was not your fault in any way.
I'm so sorry.
I love you very much <3<3<3
Nicole
I wanted to say something so profound that it would "heal" you, but I realize that is impossible. Try to realize that what happened was NOT YOUR FAULT, there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome, once it began. You are a lovely woman, trying to shrink yourself to nothing so that no one can hurt you again. Your power is in your heart and your mind. Your family and friends love you, and I have come to feel as if I know and love you as well, even though we have never met. Try to stay strong Angie, you CAN beat this monster that is trying to prevail over you. Try to let the past be the past, a distant, but understandably, an awful memory. Let it fly away in the wind like a feather, drifting slowly out of sight. You are surrounded by love and a light that cannot be extinguished. Know Peace.
Thank you so much Nicole and Lilysgramma! Your love and support mean so much. I know in my heart that it is not my fault, but I believed for so long that it was. I'm really going to work on continuing to tell myself that it was not my fault, and hopefully soon, my head will believe it.
What if, you were to try this from a different angle. What if, you told all the feelings that YOU are in control now. What if, just for today, you gave yourself the permission to let it go and enjoy yourself.
What if can be such a destructive game but I know that you have it in you to turn the table and win. Sending you hugs to help you through.
Thanks Ann~ I'm really going to work on that, taking it one day at a time. Sending hugs right back!
You were just a little girl, frozen with fear, who didn't even know what was happening to you. You didn't "let" anything happen. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. Place the blame where it belongs - on the perpetrators, not the victim.
everything happens at exactly the right time in exactly the right place.
i don't know why this happened to you, but you are strong.
Hi, I just found your blog and I am so sorry to read about all what happened to you. Being survivor of abuse myself I can relate to these "if's" very much. 15 years ago I worked through my sexual abuse and only a few months ago it surfaced that my mother told me I was supposed to be an abortion and that is why she gave me to the abuser. I had intense trauma therapy ( 3 months, 35h a week, yepp, full time job) I have learned so very much, particularly that "if, should, must, but" are neagtive or negating and ever since I practice hard to change. The awareness is there and if I slip it doesnt matter as long as I pick it up again. I got introduced to art therapy and now I am changing my life one image at at a time. I look at a year not anymore as something which has to be survived somehow but 365 blank pages which I can fill according to my liking, according to my best. I am becoming myself. Love from my heart to yours
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