Time Will Tell

On Monday I graduated from the out-patient addiction recovery group that I was going to. I gained some knowledge from it, but I'm glad that it is over. It was wearing me thin, and although at times alcohol is definitely a problem, it is still the least of my worries. I also had a therapy session with the therapist that specializes in trauma on Monday. We mainly talked about the dissociative disorder, and how I can be more aware of when I'm going to dissociate. I've always felt like the "episodes" were out of my control. The last time it happened was the night that I went into the hospital. He asked me if I physically knew how I felt right before dissociating, and the best way to describe it is a floaty feeling that I get. I never remember anything about the times that I dissociate, although I'm fully functional. To me, they are just spaces of time that I can't account for, and most of the time it is usually triggered by a flashback. The therapist explained that it is a form of self protection. The flashbacks and nightmares are getting better though, and I'm also getting better at using the grounding techniques that I've learned. There is so much in my life that has felt out of my control, and sometimes it still feels that way. That is what makes me so afraid to let go of the eating disorder. It is my safe place amidst all of my other internal chaos. For me, not eating IS an option. Today, I choose to eat, but having the option not to feels like power. It is a hard feeling to give up, whether it is false or not. I still haven't let go of the ambivalence when it comes to eating disorder recovery, and I wonder when that will come. I suppose that time will tell.