The Journey

I'm so very tired right now. Tired of running. Tired of hiding from myself. Hiding from bad boys who think that they are men. Boys who do bad things. Bad things to an afraid young girl. I'm just so tired. I want peace. I want to take back what was mine. My body. My soul. My life.

These were the first words that I wrote when I started this blog on June 13th, 2007, and this will be my 600th post. I had just started seeing a therapist at this time, and she suggested that I journal as a way to start finding my voice. I needed an outlet for all of the pain that I was feeling inside, but for me, I needed to learn to find and use my voice in a way that felt safe. I didn't fully realize that others would actually find and read this blog, but it came as a nice surprise. The comments of support and empathy encouraged me to be honest, and to continue sharing. Sometimes I'm discouraged by my relapses and setbacks when it comes to recovery. It has been a long road, but I do believe that although slowly, I am taking back my life. I have learned so much about myself through writing about my thoughts and feelings. I learned that I am not alone, and most importantly, I have learned to reach out for help. I made the difficult decision to go into an in-patient eating disorder facility in the fall of 2008. That was my first giant step into the world of eating disorder recovery. It was the beginning of admitting that I had a problem. Throughout thiat process, I was also dealing with the trauma of being raped as a child, and working through all of those painful feelings in therapy. The eating disorder was how I had coped with those feelings for half of my lifetime. I felt so much guilt and shame. In many ways I'm still stuck in the body of an eleven year old child. I have a lot of growing up to do. I want to thank everyone for the support, and for following along on my journey. I finally feel like I'm on my way.