Open Arms

It has been a month since I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts were like a broken record running through my mind until I thought I was truly insane. There is nothing darker than the dream of dying. It feels strange to be able to smile, and say that those thoughts are far away. I can laugh and feel real joy now, knowing it is not the fake smile that I often hide behind. I can’t tell you what has changed in me, and I fear that the darkness will return without a moments notice. I’m eating again. That has changed. Poor nutrition played a big part in my depression. I was hopeless and powerless in the face of my eating disorder. I have to fight it every minute of the day. There is always the voice that says I’m not worthy of living a happy life. It is hard to find the positive attributes in myself. I rely on others to mirror my beauty back to me, instead of looking at my own reflection, and seeing it in myself. I still fight the urge to lie, to skip meals, and to hurt myself, but now there is a larger part of me that longs for recovery, and longs to be heard. I’m working on finding the strength in my own voice. I worry that I haven’t hit rock bottom, and that I haven’t felt enough pain, because for so long I felt that I deserved the pain. I’m learning that I can’t project what tomorrow will bring. I have to constantly remember that all there will ever be is now, and now is what I need to live for. Ahhh, here and now is what I have dreamed of for so long. Embracing the moment, I will hold my arms open wide.