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Sunday, February 28, 2010

Open Arms

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It has been a month since I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts were like a broken record running through my mind until I thought I was truly insane. There is nothing darker than the dream of dying. It feels strange to be able to smile, and say that those thoughts are far away. I can laugh and feel real joy now, knowing it is not the fake smile that I often hide behind. I can’t tell you what has changed in me, and I fear that the darkness will return without a moments notice. I’m eating again. That has changed. Poor nutrition played a big part in my depression. I was hopeless and powerless in the face of my eating disorder. I have to fight it every minute of the day. There is always the voice that says I’m not worthy of living a happy life. It is hard to find the positive attributes in myself. I rely on others to mirror my beauty back to me, instead of looking at my own reflection, and seeing it in myself. I still fight the urge to lie, to skip meals, and to hurt myself, but now there is a larger part of me that longs for recovery, and longs to be heard. I’m working on finding the strength in my own voice. I worry that I haven’t hit rock bottom, and that I haven’t felt enough pain, because for so long I felt that I deserved the pain. I’m learning that I can’t project what tomorrow will bring. I have to constantly remember that all there will ever be is now, and now is what I need to live for. Ahhh, here and now is what I have dreamed of for so long. Embracing the moment, I will hold my arms open wide.

6 Comments:

Nicole said...

I am so happy for you, Angie. You absolutely deserve to live a genuinely happy life. You are such an incredible person and you touch so many lives. You have had a profound impact on my life, and I will forever be grateful for you and for your friendship. You have helped me through some very difficult times. Your kindness, support, and encouragement have got me through days that I don't think I would have been able to otherwise get through had it not been for you. I know I say this a lot, but you truly were a light in the darkness for me and I can't begin to express how much I appreciate you.

You are beautiful in every possible way, a truly wonderful person and I hope you are able to see that one day.

Sending all my love <3
*hugs*
Nicole

Ann said...

So good to hear you feeling more positive ever day. Keep it going.

Jennifer said...

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. Here's to the ever-joyous moment (and to understanding that we all have dark times from which we can emerge).

Ruth said...

You sound so much better, keep up the great work! I've been in a funk for a long time, sleep schedule messed up, can't get anything done, etc. It's the first day of a new month, I think I'm going to start working on myself and hopefully have some improvements of my own before too long.

Penney Knightly said...

Angela,

You have a great blog, with lots of inspiring and hopeful content.

You are beautiful. You are even more so beautiful because of how you are shining despite the pain of your abusive past.

Keep writing, and stay strong.

Angela said...

Thank you Penney:) I'm glad you stopped by, and I appreciate the compliment!