Where Success is Measured by Failure

Where Success is Measured by Failure

"Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room..."

where no one will know you 

or your history

where you will have zero access 

to anyone you even half way trust

where you will be drugged into oblivion 

pharmaceutical numbness;

where you will miss work

and be forced to lie 

in order to keep your job

where you learn 

to keep your fucking mouth shut

vowing that if it ever gets to this point

again

you will succeed

Angela Minard 2016©

Artwork~ "Incomplete" by thuyngan.deviantart.com

Beautiful

Beautiful

It is January

and so she counts the days

Three before the deepest sleep

Safe

with you

for awhile

she believes...

Stepping into an early darkness 

 waiting in the parking lot

aching

She doesn't want to drive away

Pausing for a rest

within the emptiness

She is tired

and may not survive 

the days in between

"Describe my face."

"Tell me what you see," you encourage

but the words do not come 

Your eyes; 

the soft color of moss growing along the roots of forest trees in the spring

Your mouth; 

crookedly amused or set in a straight line...

Love 

makes everyone extraordinarily beautiful

She wanted to tell you

Beautiful...

Angela Minard 2016©

Walking Through Fear

I remember standing in line with the heat of the Texas sun flooding down, as I held my brothers small, sweaty hand. We were waiting to see "Grease," and the buttery smell of popcorn rushing out of the air conditioned theater each time someone opened or closed the door made me feel sick to my stomach. I was eleven, and I didn't understand the word "rape." I didn't have the vocabulary at the time for what had happened to me. The timeline in my head is confused, but it must have happened not long before this memory.  We stood in the heat, and I remember feeling lost and numb. As soon as we stepped inside the lobby, I vomited all over the ticket takers shoes. My brother began to cry. I took him into the bathroom, wiped his tears, and scrubbed the splattered bile from my tennis shoes with a useless paper towel. We weren't with an adult, but they let us in without question to see the movie. That probably wouldn't happen in 2016. I dropped into that film as if my life depended on it. I was every song, every line, and every laugh. It was then that I must have decided I no longer wanted to be me. I don't think of that time in my life very often anymore, but I still live with certain fears. A preview for that movie was on the television the other evening, which brought back that particular memory. I was also triggered at the yoga studio because I now teach a 7:00-8:15 p.m. class on Monday nights. I'm nervous to walk to my car in the dark when I close alone. We are located near a Pizza Hut, and often there are a couple of guys out there taking their smoke breaks. I fear groups of men even more than I fear a man who is alone because I was raped by two, and I'm almost certain that while I was being raped, there were other people who knew it was going on. I'm trying, but it causes a lot of anxiety for me. It also brings out some anger, because I'm tired of being afraid. I even thought about giving up that class because of it, and that is ridiculous. I do not want to allow fear to get in the way of living my life. I am not a little girl anymore. Wish me luck tonight as I walk through my fear.

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." ~Sarah Williams

Artwork by~ Akageno Saru

How We Smiled

How We Smiled

I watch your mouth

how your lips curl 

away from your teeth

a flash of lightening

never reaching your eyes

although your voice

curiously slow and warm

crawls inside my belly 

like a parasite returning to the host

I am not your home

shining your familiar, empty grin

You are a stranger

and yet I search

beneath the facade  

for the real you 

that remembers

how we smiled 

Angela Minard 2016©

Painting~ "Stranger" by Llm Cheol hee

What is Real?

What is Real?

I am so cold on the inside

that I expect to see my breath as I exhale

but I do not

"What is real?"

"Am I frozen?"

...and so it goes

around and around

as I circle myself like a hawk

ready to dive bomb its prey

the questions creating space

continuing to run further and further

away from the truth

into my own outstretched arms

these arms

withholding comfort

pinching flesh with disgust

avoiding my own gaze

your gaze...

Without knowing

we refuse to see

but the ice is crystalline

magnifying each tormented thought

and what was once numb

ignites

I am so hot on the inside

that I expect to see flames as I exhale

burning flesh

but I do not

"What is real?"

Angela Minard 2016©

"Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. 

From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. 

But if it had to perish twice 

I think I know enough of hate 

To say that for destruction ice is also great 

And would suffice." 

~ Robert Frost

Dream Your Dream 2016

I'm here to write, and I have no idea what will unfold. Sometimes when I come here, I have an idea in my mind, but not this evening. I think I want to actually write about writing. I have read many of my poems in the yoga classes that I teach, and someone usually approaches me after class either asking me if I have a book, or encouraging me to publish a book. It isn't quite that simple. I want to. I even have a somewhat finished manuscript of my poetry and observations, but I have never been brave enough to send it anywhere. Poetry books aren't in high demand in the publishing world. I'm thinking of self publishing, but it costs money that I don't feel like I can spend on something so frivolous.  I have had a few of my poems published either in book or magazine form, but it is certainly a shot in the dark to think someone would publish an entire book of my poems. I've always been one to dream big though, and when I want something badly enough, I go for it because that is the only way dreams become reality. My goal for 2016 is to move in the direction of publishing a book, either on my own, or sending my work out into the world. I will probably end up doing both of those things, and although it may not come to fruition this year, I'm moving in that direction. I have talked about it long enough, and there is no time like the present to begin manifesting that intention. I encourage you all to reach for your dreams this year. Life is too tremulous and uncertain not to send your dreams and desires out into the universe. Yesterday I wrote a post about contentment, and the truth is that I am always reaching for more. Dreams make me feel alive, and striving towards a goal keeps me engaged and motivated. I never want to lose that feeling because I wasted many years barely living my life. I gave up on my dreams, and I gave up on myself. I never want to go back to that desolate and empty existence. 

"Dream Your Dream, 2016!"

"Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. 

They are where they should be. 

Now put the foundations under them." 

~Henry David Thoreau 

Artwork~ "Into the Universe" by Tang Yau Hoong

Contentment

For the past few years I have spent my New Years Eve at Darling Yoga. My teacher has all of us draw angel cards from a bowl, and these cards have a single word on them. I try to focus on that word throughout the year. Last year, my angel card was "Light." I wrote this post "Light" about how that card felt so perfect. This year the card that I drew was "Contentment", and it too was ideal. It is something that I have been working a great deal with because contentment feels elusive. It probably has something to do with my perfectionism, and never feeling as if I am "good enough." As soon as I reach a goal, I pick it apart...I wonder if I am a fraud, or if everyone will see that I truly don't have a clue as to what I am doing. I struggle with finding contentment with exactly where I am, or comfort with what I have. I find that gratitude comes more easily than contentment. I am most certainly grateful for everything that I have, and the opportunities offered, but I'm not sure that I deserve them. Should I have had to work harder, and am I capable? Those questions make it difficult for me to settle into that warm and content feeling. I also love the action of working toward something, and then once I have it, I seem to want more. I tend to label myself with negative adjectives, because wanting more is selfish and greedy, or at least that is what I have always believed. You can see how I need to work through these falsehoods. I have ideas and patterns that have shaped my beliefs, but I can change them. We all can change when we put our hearts and minds to it. I am changing and growing everyday, but it takes determination and insight. I am learning to be content. Right now it is fleeting, but I notice the feeling. Eventually I'm planning on settling into it completely! 

Happy New Year!!!