Saturday, January 9, 2016
For the past few years I have spent my New Years Eve at Darling Yoga. My teacher has all of us draw angel cards from a bowl, and these cards have a single word on them. I try to focus on that word throughout the year. Last year, my angel card was "Light." I wrote this post "Light" about how that card felt so perfect. This year the card that I drew was "Contentment", and it too was ideal. It is something that I have been working a great deal with because contentment feels elusive. It probably has something to do with my perfectionism, and never feeling as if I am "good enough." As soon as I reach a goal, I pick it apart...I wonder if I am a fraud, or if everyone will see that I truly don't have a clue as to what I am doing. I struggle with finding contentment with exactly where I am, or comfort with what I have. I find that gratitude comes more easily than contentment. I am most certainly grateful for everything that I have, and the opportunities offered, but I'm not sure that I deserve them. Should I have had to work harder, and am I capable? Those questions make it difficult for me to settle into that warm and content feeling. I also love the action of working toward something, and then once I have it, I seem to want more. I tend to label myself with negative adjectives, because wanting more is selfish and greedy, or at least that is what I have always believed. You can see how I need to work through these falsehoods. I have ideas and patterns that have shaped my beliefs, but I can change them. We all can change when we put our hearts and minds to it. I am changing and growing everyday, but it takes determination and insight. I am learning to be content. Right now it is fleeting, but I notice the feeling. Eventually I'm planning on settling into it completely!
Happy New Year!!!