Here and Now

I keep reading over my last post, tempted to delete it. Writing it and reading it has been helpful because then I am able to see where I am, and what things need to change. It is interesting to me that often after I have written an angst ridden post, I'm able to look at everything with a different perspective. I'm realizing that having too much of any emotion frightens me. I'm overwhelmingly sad, and with that sadness comes the fear that it will be endless, leaving me with a feeling of hopelessness. What is frustrating is that I cannot put into words, or even understand what it is that I'm sad about. There are some family things, but that is mostly about fear and not being able to control what is going to happen. I have been touching upon anger in therapy, and allowing myself to feel the anger. It has always been difficult for me to feel rage over being raped. I've always been too busy blaming myself and by doing that, I have given all of my power away. Being p...

Sometimes it hurts to speak and I feel locked in lonely silence. There is a vacant lifelessness to my days. I'm tired of the bouts of sadness...trapped in a prison where only I hold the key. I have had some breakthroughs in therapy, mostly trying to get in touch with what makes me angry, and acknowledging that I even have anger. I recognize that I need to change in order to move forward, but with change also comes fear. Often times, I do not feel safe, and there is a feeling of dread that hangs over me. There are things in my life that I won't write about here, and the thought that I don't manifest good in my life means that I don't deserve good in my life. I feel guilt that I'm not grateful everyday for the good that I do have. I have so much, and being ungrateful and selfish make me feel like I'm a horrible person. I'm back to working with kids now that my hip is healed, but I don't feel present when I am there. I zone out a lot, and there is a bl...

Autumn Dreaming In Unison Out the winter window through the summer forest into a turquoise cave blindly following you into the cool, shadowy darkness the play of blue light making iridescent patterns on your skin in slow motion the movement of our limbs dance as we awaken to snowfall swimming in the silence of a dream Angela Minard 2012©

  I've been thinking about the vision board I created this summer. Right now it is rolled up in the back seat of my car because I had taken it to show my therapist, but I don't want my dreams and goals to take a back seat. I've been trying to figure out a way to be able to do the yoga teachers training at my studio. I've been looking on-line for scholorships, but I really want to do the training with Emily Darling, who is such an amazing and compassionate teacher. Many of the scholarships I have found would have me traveling to India! I waver back and forth between telling myself that I'm not ready for the training, but then the passion I feel for wanting to learn more about yoga takes over. In a brave moment, I messaged Emily on Facebook and asked her if she knew anything about scholarships or grants because I wanted to do the teachers training. She said she would look into it for me, and actually said it would be great if I could be in the training. Of cours...

To You   Wanting to tell you my revelation rushing home before the words could escape because that is what happens when something new is discovered It is precious like a newborn with an elusive smile I unwrapped the silence Holding the weight of it in my hands Aware suddenly of my palpitating heart The realization that I had been running forever and ever to you Angela Minard 2012©

It seems that all I have been able to write are poems lately. I'm not sure what to say otherwise. I'm in a grey place, where I can almost see light, but there is fear that the darkness will take over. Depression sneaks up, and my words are my voice when I cannot speak out loud. I distance myself because I don't want to scare anyone. Anger has been brewing, seemingly over little things, which I blow out of proportion. That has always been what I'm afraid of. The rage overwhelms me, and what goes through my mind is wanting to hurt myself because I feel that I'm the cause of so much pain. My therapist wanted me to write out the things that make me angry. What I thought of first is that it makes me angry when I feel I'm being controlled. I fight to hold on to myself, and to my autonomy. I feel that I'm not always allowed to be angry, and maybe because it surprises people when it happens, no one quite knows how to react. I feel like my anger isn't alw...

Monsters Never Die   Artwork~ Angela Bacon-Kidwell Photography Inside the abyss of dark blank spaces moving through days as if I'm really me hidden from myself until I awaken confused and wondering what I've done. Sometimes watching from far away in the distance split in two I always find my way back to you tearing at my skin the blood a reminder trying to feel through a pain I cannot seem to find Blindly reaching out the touch of your hands leading me back avoiding your gaze afraid you will see the shame that holds me captive the fear that you will finally need to let me go   Only in dreams of violent anger scarlet spilling at my feet dripping from my hands Maybe it is true that monsters never die Angela Minard 2012©

The Pattern Of Stars Is there meaning in the pattern of stars or the premonition of a dream? The rise and fall of each breath significant in its simplicity A single feather on the wind or the gasping cry of a newborn as the spinning earth shifts gradually changing seasons  The imperceptible passing of time Are we the makers of destiny or only puppets? Each small movement creating a chain reaction with no one event of greater or less importance Made of tears and dust the spontaneous combustion of flames We are the pattern of stars Angela Minard 2012©

Artwork by ~Toshiyuki Enoki What Remains Within the expectation of shadow stealing the burnished copper sky cool death touches warm earth The dusty paper moths take flight as if flesh and bone could rise from colorless ash Only the deep breath of wind lifts the soul Angela Minard 2012©

Lost Song I forget the lines the words inside that once swelled filling the spaces between my soul and the world surrounding me The daylight blinds the night envelopes me with silence and into the blackness I climb Moaning into the nothingness where the wind should be I am deaf and mute lost in the night Unmoving lips hands that can no longer play fingers hovering above the keys Is it music? The only sound I hear inside of my head feeling my drumming heart I am the lyrics to a song only I can sing.   Angela Minard 2012©