Start Living

I keep reading over my last post, tempted to delete it. Writing it and reading it has been helpful because then I am able to see where I am, and what things need to change. It is interesting to me that often after I have written an angst ridden post, I'm able to look at everything with a different perspective. I'm realizing that having too much of any emotion frightens me. I'm overwhelmingly sad, and with that sadness comes the fear that it will be endless, leaving me with a feeling of hopelessness. What is frustrating is that I cannot put into words, or even understand what it is that I'm sad about. There are some family things, but that is mostly about fear and not being able to control what is going to happen. I have been touching upon anger in therapy, and allowing myself to feel the anger. It has always been difficult for me to feel rage over being raped. I've always been too busy blaming myself and by doing that, I have given all of my power away. Being powerless leaves little room for hope, and certainly for happiness to grow. Bad things happen, and it doesn't mean that it is my fault. Turning my anger inward, and taking it out on my body just isn't working anymore. I eat, and then for days, I don't eat. It is a never ending cycle of guilt because I think that I'm undeserving of happiness. I move toward joy, and then back away because I'm terrified that it will be taken from me. I push people away because I'm afraid they will leave. Whenever I find myself wanting something badly, I become fearful that I won't get it, or it won't happen. My black and white thinking says, "Nothing good will ever happen to you, because you are not good enough." I try to visualize myself one day being a yoga teacher, especially teaching yoga to trauma survivors, but then I think, I can never do that because it won't make enough money to support my family. I need the insurance that I have with my current job. I'm so afraid that I will never be able to afford the teacher training anyway, so why bother getting my hopes up. I sabotage myself instead of figuring out ways to make it work. I did ask my teacher about a scholarship for the training, and I'm waiting to hear back from her. I can find scholarships on my own, but they all seem to be out of state, and I need to stay close to home. I guess if it is meant to happen, then it will. I need to get out of my own way, and actually start living!