Sometimes it hurts to speak and I feel locked in lonely silence. There is a vacant lifelessness to my days. I'm tired of the bouts of sadness...trapped in a prison where only I hold the key. I have had some breakthroughs in therapy, mostly trying to get in touch with what makes me angry, and acknowledging that I even have anger. I recognize that I need to change in order to move forward, but with change also comes fear. Often times, I do not feel safe, and there is a feeling of dread that hangs over me. There are things in my life that I won't write about here, and the thought that I don't manifest good in my life means that I don't deserve good in my life. I feel guilt that I'm not grateful everyday for the good that I do have. I have so much, and being ungrateful and selfish make me feel like I'm a horrible person. I'm back to working with kids now that my hip is healed, but I don't feel present when I am there. I zone out a lot, and there is a blank emptiness in my mind, which I find to be better than the racing thoughts, but checking out is not going to help anything.
I have run out of words for now, and this post has been a difficult and long one to write, so I will end for now.