Here and Now

Justice Roman

I am home from one of the craziest work weeks that I have had in a long time, and the minute that I walked into the door at home, I started cleaning and doing laundry, even though I'm really exhausted. I'm beginning to realize that when everything else in my life is feeling out of control, I need my surroundings to feel neat and orderly. At least today I didn't yell at my family about it. I just did what I needed to do to feel better. I didn't turn into a wicked old witch like I did the other day! The rest of the weekend, I'm going to try to relax and just enjoy my family. Today is my son Justice's thirteenth birthday, so now I officially have three teenagers in the house. I can't believe it. I only have one son who is going trick-or-treating this year. This is so trite, but they really do grow up so fast! I'm looking forward to seeing all of the little kids that come to the door in their costumes tonight. It is getting late, so I'd better get ready...

I'm still very near tears after a horrible time spent in my closet this morning. None of my pants fit, and I know that it is ridiculous to be this upset over it, and yet I feel just sick and disgusted with myself over it. No, it doesn't matter what size I am, and I know that it has nothing to do with who I am as a person, so why can't I get past this?

"Healing Energy" Art work by Rita Loyd at NurturingArt I think that one of the hardest aspects of recovering from an eating disorder for me is leaving the guilt surrounding food behind. I'm still working on reminding myself that I need to eat to fuel my body and mind. Every meal that I eat or don't eat is a struggle, and restricting what I eat continues to be a problem for me. I try to eat dinner with my family, but other than that, it really is hit or miss. I know that part of the problem is that I somehow feel better about myself when I can control the amount of food that I eat. The less I consume, the more I feel that I have accomplished something. It is a way of thinking that I'm working on changing. It is definitely a challenge though! On the positive side, my mood has been much more stable in the past week. I only wish that my job was feeling stable. In the mornings, I'm still working in the high school, but in the afternoons, they have me running in all...

It has felt like a very long week, and I feel grateful and relieved that I have persevered, and made it through. Hallelujah, Saturday! I started out the week in a serious funk, but with each day that has passed, my mood and outlook on life has been improving, and at the moment, I feel really good. Mostly, it is only because I made it through, but hey...I'll take it! I have no real plans for this weekend besides errands and chores around the house, but the sun is shining after a cold and rainy week here, I have energy to spare, and smiling seems like such a simple thing. It has been only a few days since I thought that I had forgotten how, so I'm not going to take it for granted.

I thought that I would be so much farther by now than where I am today. I have so much ahead of me, and every reason to anticipate the joy that lies in wait, but I feel nothing but empty. Is this just depression, or defeat. I don't even know anymore. I feel as if I'm not much further along in my eating disorder than I was last year. The only difference is that I weigh more. The thoughts still consume me just as much, if not more than ever. All I think about is what I will or won't eat, and how I need to lose the weight that I have gained. I hate even going out of the house everyday, and if didn't have a job to go to, I don't know how often I would step outside of my door. Maybe it just takes more time than I'm giving it... I wrote those words on Monday, but decided against posting because I know that reading this will worry the people that care about me, and that is the last thing that I want to do. Yesterday was also a really rough day and I had so many negativ...

Losing time, and blindly fishing around inside of a vacant mind, is what I have been trying to do. I have given up on recovering time that really doesn't matter anyway. It is hard not to feel hopeless though...as if I will forever be losing my way. The other night when I dissociated, I did happen to find a small journal that I always keep in my purse to write in, and here are some scribblings from that evening. bombarded~ with memories filled with pain that feels like a dream, but the tears that threaten and come to the surface with no warning, tell me that it is real. My anger is so close that I can reach out and almost touch it. I hate-so much. What if there is no tomorrow and the words I've said are lost...everything echoed...all of your sorrow wrapped inside the voices you hear.

I have been silent this week, and it seems, still unable to sort out everything and have it all make sense inside of my mind. I think that although it is quite unlike me, I will have to just let it go for now, and start fresh. Begin again.

Beginning Loneliness sings outside the window, taps on the pane. Twelve squares seperated by happiness that jogs by with a ponytail. Sunrise on the beauty of a day that I'm not yet a part of. Angela Minard 2008©

The other evening my husband( poor guy, he gets blamed for so much )said something that upset me. It was something that was so basic, and yet it set off all of my alarms, and you must be thinking that it was something so horrible, but no, it was this..."You must be hungry." After he said it, I could feel the anger rise up past my ears, and it took a great deal of self control not to explode, but I knew how irrational my anger was. I'm still contemplating my reaction, and of course I forgot to bring it up in therapy last week, so if you have thoughts or opinions, feel free to comment. I'm embarrassed to have needs for some strange reason, and hunger feels enormously humiliating. Hunger is the most painful need, more like a confession, and wanting anything for myself is hard to admit to, but the need for food is probably the hardest. I can tell you that I want the fanciest cell phone out there, but can't comfortably say out loud that I'm craving a warm cinnamon ...

I'm feeling better since my last post when I was impatient with my weight, and uncomfortable with my body. I still have those feelings, but they aren't quite so overwhelming. There are going to be days when I don't feel so strong, and I need to try not to be so hard on myself on those days. Of course, that is easier said than done, but that at least is my goal. I really don't have much else to say today, except to thank everyone for all of their support. Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and take care:-)

I'm not really sure why, but I feel very cranky and out of sorts today. It could have something to do with the fact that I was gouged by my husbands long toenails first thing this morning. It is not exactly the way I like to begin my day.( sorry honey...just being honest ) I also feel very uncomfortable with my body, and one of my first thoughts besides OUCH !, was... I'm not eating today. I think what is hard for me is that I don't have many clothes to wear right now at this current weight, and I hate it. I really love clothes, and fashion. I used to look forward to getting dressed and putting an outfit together, but right now, I just dread it. I know that it sounds really superficial, but it does make me sad. Yesterday I felt so motivated to be healthy, and do everything the right way, but today, all that I feel is impatient. I'm not sure that I have the patience to lose this weight the correct way. I know that if I just severely restricted my food, it would go quick...

This is the first morning in a very long time that I don't have to force myself out of the bed, waiting until the last second to sulk into the shower. I'm awake early, I've walked on the treadmill, had coffee, showered, and now even have time for some blogging! I'm doing everything that I can to stave off the ugly claws of depression that would like to dig themselves into me. I am physically feeling better, and that helps. I'm still very unhappy with my weight, but what is new? I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, which is to eat the amount of food that is on my meal plan, even though I would love to lose weight more quickly than that allows for. I'm going to be patient, do what is healthy for my body for once in my life, and see how that works out. It does feel good to do the right thing. I'm waking my boys up for school this morning, and most of them get up with no problem, or even set their alarms to awaken on their own, but one boy in particular NE...

Unlocked I lock my soul up inside of your eyes in a desperate attempt to hold on to you in a moment that should only be ours becoming only an attempt anymore to get away from something in which I cannot find the beauty theirs in all that feels dirty and laced with shame no longer able to escape in my mind when I believed that I wanted to be free Angela Minard 2008©

Last night, Dave and I actually went out on a "date". I can't even tell you the last time we did that, and it was really nice to get out. It was also an interesting night if you are a people watcher like I tend to be. We went to a biker bar called Knuckelheads Saloon to watch one of Dave's favorite blues performers. His name is Albert Cummings , and he is a phenomenal blues guitarist, and singer. Anyway, the bar is a semi-outdoors venue, and only a step behind, are railroad tracks. Since it is a biker hangout, you can hear both the train whistling by, and the roar of bike mufflers, so it is an interesting place to go and listen to live music, to say the least. The people were also a great deal of the entertainment though, and I'm not quite sure that I fit in there, but at least I wasn't the only one. There were a few other people that didn't fit in either, besides my husband. It was a very nice crowd though, and very fun to watch! I just posted a video,...

If Only If only I could awaken everyday feeling this fine Simply accepting of this life Grateful that it is mine not always grasping for more What is so much different today? Afraid that it will slip quietly into this sparkling sky but still...I will never know why for now I want to be alive Angela Minard 2008©

Wild St. John's Wort I'm feeling so much better than I was earlier in the week. My stomach problems have improved, and the results of my colonoscopy came back normal, so that was terrific news. I think that my depression has worsened some since I stopped taking the Lexapro, but I'm not willing to put up with the weight gain side effect, so I decided to go with the natural alternative for depression, which is St. John's Wort . My doctors were actually fine with this, as they understand that the weight gain has also been contributing to my depression. It doesn't react with any of the other medications that I'm taking, so they didn't see a problem with me trying it. I enjoyed watching the vice-presidential debate last night. By golly and gosh darn it, that Sarah Palin just annoys me to no end! She could never even manage a straight forward answer to any of the questions that were presented. Folksy, my ass! More like phony baloney, I say. She did better than I ...