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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Looking Forward

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I thought that I would be so much farther by now than where I am today. I have so much ahead of me, and every reason to anticipate the joy that lies in wait, but I feel nothing but empty. Is this just depression, or defeat. I don't even know anymore. I feel as if I'm not much further along in my eating disorder than I was last year. The only difference is that I weigh more. The thoughts still consume me just as much, if not more than ever. All I think about is what I will or won't eat, and how I need to lose the weight that I have gained. I hate even going out of the house everyday, and if didn't have a job to go to, I don't know how often I would step outside of my door. Maybe it just takes more time than I'm giving it...



I wrote those words on Monday, but decided against posting because I know that reading this will worry the people that care about me, and that is the last thing that I want to do. Yesterday was also a really rough day and I had so many negative thoughts about myself. Today, I'm doing better, or at least I'm feeling more positive about myself, and at least more capable of reframing the negative thoughts than I was yesterday. I wish that I knew what the difference between today and yesterday was though. I'm tired of being so up and down with my emotions, and constantly telling myself that I need more time and patience. I'm afraid of my time running out with no resolution. I'm getting ready to go and see my therapist and nutritionist now, and maybe talking about some of this will help. Today has been good though, and that is also what I want to focus on. I want to be able to hold on to the feelings of today, and look forward to tomorrow.





6 Comments:

jodapoet said...

Each day no matter how you feel try and write down at least one thing that you are grateful for. It could be anything but just one thing and you'll see what a world of good that can do for you. Hang in there.

jodapoet said...

Each day no matter how you feel try and write down at least one thing that you are grateful for. It could be anything but just one thing and you'll see what a world of good that can do for you. Hang in there.

Angel said...

I will try that.

Thanks:)

Carrie Arnold said...

Angel,

I know those feelings well- could you write down some things you've learned in the past year? Even if it's not related to ED or anything. Then you might be able to see more easily what you've accomplished thus far.

Best,
Carrie

Tomas Karkalas said...

Sorry to hear your sad story, but I just can't silence myself - the joyful THANK YOU! came OUT OF ITSELF while watching your blog.
After reading your text I understood that the above emotions are not what's needed at a moment, but MAYBE that's the answer - Just think, I too sensed myself exactly the same way as you do, but I forgot the grieving for self at a glimpse at your wonderful blog. The beauty forced me to LISTEN -
the sorrowful status of the retired transformed into the beauty of the footprints on the sand ...
While writing with the dictionary in hand, I'm hard to talk for a long, but I think you have sensed my heart - we both are in a hug and there are no place to grieve any more - we have left the footprints and the water don't cover them till now. That just can't have no reason, isn't it?
Thanks again for the opportunity to express my joy at your blog.

Greta G said...

Angela,

Hi, it's Greta from "Life With Cake" bulimia blog. I just realized that you are from Olathe, Kansas. My family is from Olathe. I went to Shawnee Mission Northwest high school--I'm 34 years old. What a small world!!