Looking Forward

I thought that I would be so much farther by now than where I am today. I have so much ahead of me, and every reason to anticipate the joy that lies in wait, but I feel nothing but empty. Is this just depression, or defeat. I don't even know anymore. I feel as if I'm not much further along in my eating disorder than I was last year. The only difference is that I weigh more. The thoughts still consume me just as much, if not more than ever. All I think about is what I will or won't eat, and how I need to lose the weight that I have gained. I hate even going out of the house everyday, and if didn't have a job to go to, I don't know how often I would step outside of my door. Maybe it just takes more time than I'm giving it...

I wrote those words on Monday, but decided against posting because I know that reading this will worry the people that care about me, and that is the last thing that I want to do. Yesterday was also a really rough day and I had so many negative thoughts about myself. Today, I'm doing better, or at least I'm feeling more positive about myself, and at least more capable of reframing the negative thoughts than I was yesterday. I wish that I knew what the difference between today and yesterday was though. I'm tired of being so up and down with my emotions, and constantly telling myself that I need more time and patience. I'm afraid of my time running out with no resolution. I'm getting ready to go and see my therapist and nutritionist now, and maybe talking about some of this will help. Today has been good though, and that is also what I want to focus on. I want to be able to hold on to the feelings of today, and look forward to tomorrow.